CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, our ES and his family came back into our lives. My husband passed away on Nov. 9, 2014. ES and I continue to work on our relationship, and actually I feel my DIL has matured more than ES has. She told me that ES is dealing with some guilt issues because he missed years with his dad that he cannot get back.
At the beginning of the estrangement there were friends of ours (their son and my son are best friends) who never asked my DH and me about it and just sided with ES. They would never talk with us, even if I sent wedding card to their son, then when her husband passed, we sent a sympathy card and memorial.
Skip ahead 7+ years. Last Friday my ES and I went to a funeral of a friend, also a friend of this woman. ES and I were having a nice conversation prior to the funeral. Then she walked in, hugged ES and sat down next to him. He now has her on one side and me on the other.
As the funeral started I noticed he had his arm around her shoulders all through the first song. I started to cry, took out a kleenex to wipe my eyes and tried to stay composed. Finally after 20 minutes of ES not noticing me crying, I left after the homily (it was a catholic service). When I walked out, my son never followed me.
Over an hour later he texted me asking if I was alright. I said I was crying because he had his arm around her to comfort her but when I was crying, he didn't seem to notice me, nor did he even follow me out of the church when I left crying. He responded (texting) that he didn't notice I was crying and didn't follow me because he thought I had left "the building". He kept texting that "it saddens me that you think I did that on purpose."
I texted back that I love him so much and yes, it did make me sad that he wouldn't even put his arm around his own mother and that I was heading home but wishing we could have spent time together. Signed: Love, MOM
I haven't heard from him (it will be a week tomorrow) but that afternoon he invited his brother (who he had also been estranged from) to go to the zoo with him and his wife and daughter. I am glad he did that. I want my boys to reconnect. But found it interesting he invited him after I expressed my sadness on how he ignored me.
What are your thoughts? What should I do going forward? I realize he is dealing with grief too.
At the beginning of the estrangement there were friends of ours (their son and my son are best friends) who never asked my DH and me about it and just sided with ES. They would never talk with us, even if I sent wedding card to their son, then when her husband passed, we sent a sympathy card and memorial.
Skip ahead 7+ years. Last Friday my ES and I went to a funeral of a friend, also a friend of this woman. ES and I were having a nice conversation prior to the funeral. Then she walked in, hugged ES and sat down next to him. He now has her on one side and me on the other.
As the funeral started I noticed he had his arm around her shoulders all through the first song. I started to cry, took out a kleenex to wipe my eyes and tried to stay composed. Finally after 20 minutes of ES not noticing me crying, I left after the homily (it was a catholic service). When I walked out, my son never followed me.
Over an hour later he texted me asking if I was alright. I said I was crying because he had his arm around her to comfort her but when I was crying, he didn't seem to notice me, nor did he even follow me out of the church when I left crying. He responded (texting) that he didn't notice I was crying and didn't follow me because he thought I had left "the building". He kept texting that "it saddens me that you think I did that on purpose."
I texted back that I love him so much and yes, it did make me sad that he wouldn't even put his arm around his own mother and that I was heading home but wishing we could have spent time together. Signed: Love, MOM
I haven't heard from him (it will be a week tomorrow) but that afternoon he invited his brother (who he had also been estranged from) to go to the zoo with him and his wife and daughter. I am glad he did that. I want my boys to reconnect. But found it interesting he invited him after I expressed my sadness on how he ignored me.
What are your thoughts? What should I do going forward? I realize he is dealing with grief too.
My other son who is spending the weekend with me at our lake home texted his brother and he immediately responded to him. In fact, they have exchanged texts off and on, and more, since I sent the text exchanges with ES on 1/30. I am grateful that the two brothers stay in contact.
What should I do next? I am in continual prayer. Did he just come back and play the part of loving son for his dad's funeral only? He did get mad that I assumed he noticed me crying and didn't even put his arm around me or take my hand. But, my gosh, can't a mother say anything without them taking offense?
Your thoughts appreciated.
I am so sorry to hear how ES and DIL handled V Day in response to your loving thoughts to them. Please know that nothing you did caused this. Looking back over the 7 years you were estranged from them this does not sound far from their way of doing things.
Only God can change them. You have done all that you can, I believe. I would not reach out again until the next ocassion if you feel led. The ball is in their court. I pray they will do the right thing. Please keep us updated. We care!
I'm looking to you people, my friends, and my family for the love and acceptance I need to make the little girl inside me feel loved and accepted. The ones who choose not to be part of that - I'm leaving in God's loving hands. I need peace in my heart right now more than I need them in my life.
We talked about the funeral and he apologized for his insensitivity. He was having a hard time himself thinking back only a couple months being at his dad's funeral.
We talked about the past a bit and I explained how DH and I felt terrible with the way he and DIL treated us. He didn't deny it but said he isn't ready to talk about it yet and wants to move forward, not back.
I reminded him that we were both too much alike - we both need to be right. He agreed and laughed. Then I said that both of us need to let go of trying to be right and misunderstanding each other but rather embrace each other with love and forgiveness. He agreed.
We talked 58 minutes and hung up with both of us saying we love you. God is good and answers prayer if I am patient and wait on him. The funeral misunderstanding was on 1/30 and today is 2/17. Lots of prayers.
You are a loving, forgiving mother full of grace. You are an example to me and I am sure many here. Please keep us updated as you begin a new journey with your son and DIL. God bless you my sister.