Dear Norske. I don't know all the dynamics of your estrangement, nor your son's personality, but something struck me about his response to you, so I thought I would share. I have found that there is much more than we realize in the responses of narcissists. I don't know if he is a narc, but his response reminded me of the responses my SIL gave me, who I believe is a full blown narcissist. Your son could have and should have simply said "I'm sorry. I didn't notice you were crying". Instead, he turned the tables on you and "trumped" your sadness by saying "it saddens me that..." This is a very subtle, but clever twist that I didn't notice until over 2 years into our estrangement. It's a conscious choice they make to deflect responsibility. He most likely knew exactly what he was doing and the effect it would have on you. I don't know what can be done to call someone out on this kind of behaviour. Most of the articles I've read don't give much hope that people like this will ever change. I know this is not much help, but I thought I would at least mention it. God bless you.

I agree and add that you can pray directly to God about this. It does sound as if he knew what he was doing was hurtful and turned it around to be about himself or he is so blind that he really doesn't understand that what he did might be hurtful to you. That is a far reach though but with these EC it may be the case because they are blinded. He is not following the example of Christ. The Lord knows each persons heart , they can not hide it from him. Pray for discernment, guidance, and your sons salvation that his eyes may be opened by God to see the truth. Im sorry you had to endure this on top of everything else. May our Lord comfort you and surround you with his love.

Dear Norske, You have been through so much. I'm sure DH is always with you in spirit. I know our precious Lord is, too.

I find it strange that your ES would do that knowing how much you have been through with him and your DH. I think you did just the right thing (what Jesus would do) by mentioning it to him. He has a lot to think about and I do believe there is a lot of guilt and regret involved that will not soon, if ever, go away. He could have been thinking of his father at the service. Could it be that if he had shown more emotion with you ,during the service,that he would have broken down? He must have a lot of hidden emotions. Do you think he will go to counseling?

God bless you my friend. Please keep us updated on how you are and how the reconciliation is going.

Here is our text exchange about 1-1/2 hours after I left:

ES: Are you doing all right?

ME: Not really. I am coping with your dad's loss but it hurt to see my son put his arm around someone else but you wouldn't put your arm around your mother.

ES: We seemed to be handling everything well before it started and Jill was obviously upset when they brought Mark to the front. Once the service started, I was mostly concentrating on keeping myself together. I didn't notice you getting upset till you got up to leave.

ME: You didn't notice me crying with kleenex in my hand but you noticed she was upset? I guess you were sitting closer to her so easier to notice. Just wondering if you noticed I was upset when I left why you didn't follow to put your arm around me?

ES: It really saddens me that you believe that I intentionally avoided you for some reason. After you left, I was going to follow but when I looked back, you had left the building.

ME: I went to the bathroom and then stood in the lobby awhile hoping yhou would come out but you didn't so just went to my car and cried. Why did it take you 2 hrs. to text me to see if I was okay? I love you so much and today your noticing Jill sad but not even looking at your mother to see how I was doing saddens me. I am heading home now. Wished we could have hung out together for a little while. Love, MOM
















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me
To
STEVEN & SUSAN AMUNDSON
Jan 30 at 7:32 PM
Sharon and I went to the fish fry in Hinckley - a restaurant called Cassidys that could be found in Lanesboro - sort of old and comfy. I hadn't eaten all day so now I"m really full.

Jill is such a thorn in my side. If Aaron had just reached over and took my hand, anything, but I don't think he wanted Jill to see any bonding with me. I passed it all by Sharon and she didn't think my texts were angry but maybe a bit wordy. And you are right, I don't want to upset his Crohn's. Had it been me and I saw Aaron leave abruptly, I would have followed to see what was the matter.

I'd like to tell Jill that Aaron is MY son, not hers, and if she is trying to replace her son that steals and she has had to call the cops on, well, find an orphan.

I'll wait a few days on anything, pray about it and wait until it is less emotional for me. If I am ever invited to Micaiah's birthday party, I know Jill will be there along with her son Brian. Yuk!!!

Enough of that - Sharon says at some point I need to sit down with Aaron and just tell him that the "walking on eggshells" needs to stop if our relationship is going to grow and that I shouldn't feel that I have to be so careful not to tick him off and he will run again. All in the timing.

Sharon and I are going for coffee tomorrow morning; then John Setterlund is coming over to check out the snowmobile.

Glad you have Grant to watch tomorrow. I'd go if I was living back in the cities.


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me
To
STEVEN & SUSAN AMUNDSON
Jan 30 at 9:31 PM
Okay - Jill. Remember how you said Brian had an attitude? Well, he is her son so where do you think he got from?

Going back, Jill & Jim Trussell and Al and I weren't close but were involved in things our kids did. The guys were in scouts. Us 4 adults chaired the 2001 senior class all night party.

When we became estranged, Jill NEVER cared to find out Al and my side of the story, just immediately sided with Aaron and told him how terrible we were. When Brian got married, we weren't invited to the wedding but I drove over to their house (a few blocks away) with a wedding card and $50.

Then when Jim passed away about 3 years ago (we still lived in CG), Al and I talked about whether or not we should go to the funeral and felt we shouldn't because we didn't want Aaron to feel uncomfortable with our presence, but we sent a sympathy card and memorial.

Then when Al got cancer, I sent Jill a note telling her about Al and asking if she had any advice for me or anything that would help since she had been through her husband having cancer. She never responded.

When I talked with Aaron about it this summer, he came to her defense and said she didn't "want to get involved because of Aaron and me". What the heck? Isn't she an adult? I told Aaron I wasn't asking about anything other than some support from another wife whose husband had cancer. It was obvious he was/is very protective of her.

Like I said, if LaVonne is his mother and Jill is his mother, who the heck am I?

I'll just stay back. Don't expect to hear from him too soon, but as Sharon said, I can't walk on eggshells for fear of losing him again either. He makes demands on me like if I wanted to be his friend on facebook I had to "de-friend" Angie's mom. What would he say if I said he had to de-friend Jill?

It's sad to be afraid of why I say all the time.


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me
To
STEVEN & SUSAN AMUNDSON
Jan 31 at 8:03 AM
I certainly agree about the zippedoodah. Grace and I will practice together.

Here is the text conversation we had. I was trying to say I was sad and also that I know he saw me crying. If she just "teared" up and he put his arm around her, I had the kleenex out and he "didn't see it"?

A: Are you doing all right? [sent over an hour after I left the church]

L: Not really. I am coping with your dad's loss but it hurt to see my son put his arm around someone else but you wouldn't put your arm around your mother.

A: We seemed to be handling everything well before it started and Jill was obviously upset when they brought Mark to the front. Once the service started, I was mostly concentrating on keeping myself together. I didn't notice you getting upset till you got up to leave.

L: You didn't notice me crying with kleenex in my hand but you noticed she was upset? I guess you were sitting closer to her so easier to notice. Just wondering if you noticed I was upset when I left why you didn't follow to put your arm around me?

A: It really saddens me that you believe that I intentionally avoided you for some reason. After you left, I was going to follow but when I looked back, you had left the building.

L: I went to the bathroom and then stood in the lobby awhile hoping yhou would come out but you didn't so just went to my car and cried. Why did it take you 2 hrs. to text me to see if I was okay? I love you so much and today your noticing Jill sad but not even looking at your mother to see how I was doing saddens me.

I am heading back to Pine City now. Wished we could have hung out together for a little while. Love, MOM

I am so sorry - I meant to only copy my text exchange with my son, and copy it for you to look at. You certainly don't need to bother with all the background baggage.

Rosearch - your words have given me so much to think about. Maybe all this time it has been my Es that is narcisstic, not DIL as we all had thought.

Norske, Again, I believe you did right in letting your ES know your feelings. You said it in a truth in love way. That is God's way.

Norske, I am so sorry. I understand how hurtful that must have been for you, to have so recently gone through the loss of your own DH, and then to be sitting again in a funeral. I know that I, too, would have been hurt if my ES had not shown compassion and awareness of my suffering. Sending some virtual hugs and arms around you!

take care of the little girl inside you. give her what she needs. i know it is difficult for all of us to hurt from what we expect others to give us but they don't. but that is our plight right now. focus on you my dear. I say that with Christian love. It is your time to be good to you.

Thank you everyone. What a wonderful group of God-loving friends we have here. Wish we could all get together in person and pray.

So do I, my friend.

Norske, don't take this wrong, but I think you were dealing with a lot of emotions that day. Remembering your husband's funeral and having negative feelings toward this woman led to jealousy when your son turned from you to comfort this woman. Things were going great before she came. Don't accuse your son of not noticing. He said in his text he felt bad that you had those feelings. Everyone is insensitive at times. He is still re-connecting to you. Appreciate what you have. I would apologize for coming across kind of strong and just say you miss the times when he hugged you. Then invite him and his brother to do something.

I am sorry Norske. You have a lot to cope with, in loosing your husband and trying to reconnect with your son. I pray that things will improve. Prayers.

I personally believe with all the sadness in your life this past year and all that your ES had put you through it was wrong of him to be so insensitive at the service. A mother should be put first. I can picture my ED doing that.

Have you heard from him, Norske? I hope so.

Thanks feelinghelpless. I appreciate your honesty. Thinking back I probably should have only responded with the word "no" when he asked if I was alright, but I wanted him to know he hurt my feelings

After our texting he contacted his brother and invited him to go with him and his family to the zoo, something he had mentioned at Christmas. I guess I find it interesting or maybe it is a coincidence that he would contact his brother to get together after we had the text exchange.

Has he contacted you since then, Norske.