Here's a thought:
You might be mad at God, but, he still loves you.

The ideal father. I hesitate to say This because most people did not experience the wonderful childhood and adulthood I have had because my father is who he is. But, there were many times I dissapoited my father. One day, my father told me no matter what I did, I will always be his daughter and he will always love me. He might be disappointed, but he will always love me.

This is what you should expect from your Abba, father, in heaven. He might be disappointed. He might be... embarrassed. There might be issues between you and God.

But he will always love you.
Psalm 36:7 New Life Version (NLV)
7 Of what great worth is Your loving-kindness, O God! The children of men come and are safe in the shadow of Your wings.

And, lets connect. Sounds like you could use a friend... or 5.

Hey. I also struggle with mental illness (including deprrsssion and anxiety) and am also a Christian as well. If you want let’s talk some more in a message, feel free to send me one.
God loves you and He hears and cares more than you or I could ever imagine. I will pray for you, dear, please don’t give up hope <3

Stay strong. He promises that He will never leaves us nor foresakes us.

God is big enough to handle your madness towards Him. Often times, we do feel like he doesn't hear us. Often times, when things don't turn out or happen the way we want, we blame God or get mad at Him. God is always in control and nothing catches Him off guard or surprises Him. He is always there and go ahead and talk to Him. Just remember, when you pray, pray that His will be done in whatever the situation. The Apostle Paul prayed and asked God to remove the thorn in his side but., God told him that His grace was sufficient and Paul accepted that and went about the calling that God had placed on and in his life. Hang in there. God still loves you.

Thanks for the replies.
If God loves me then why does he let me hurt so bad for so long? Ive struggled with depression all my life...on and off meds for the last 15 years.
Today I feel I am getting worse....just when I think Im at my lowest....bam...im down even more...how is it even possible....and next comes the suicidal thoughts....I dont want to go there but I feel thats where im headed. Maybe its time for change of meds again...as much as I hate the meds, they do work some of the time.
Its so hard to talk to God right now, but I am trying....dont feel like I deserve his help anyway.
ok enough from me...sorry to be a burden.

You are NEVER a burden. And, the wall you have built between you and God...could that have something to do with feeling like God is not there? You see, He is...on the other side of that wall you built. God is always there. Like a proud father of a child who is learning to walk.

Ever watched this wonderful process. The child gets excited about walking. Its something everyone around is proud of...to see a child walking for the first time. But, notice, the parent is tight behind with hands stretched out to catch the child if they should fall, So, it is with God...but, only if you let Him.

It might be little things at first...little things you might not even notice.
Do you think the toddler notices the parent behind them. Not even...they are too busy concentrating on the walking.
Its like this with God. You are to busy concentrating on your problems...your issues.
But, one thing I have noticed...the more you look for God, the more you see Him.
It is not something I can easily teach anyone. It is something you must teach yourself.

Luke 11:9-10 New Living Translation (NLT)
9 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

And, you deserve all the help God and I can give. No matter what you say.