My name is Jessi, and I will be straight with all of you, I have had a lot of trouble not turning away from religion.
Now don't get me wrong, I am religious, but this is a kind of long story.
When I was younger, every church I went to was full of rich uppity people who treated the lower class like dirt. I thought I had finally found a church but then they ended up with a new preacher who told me that anyone with a tattoo was not a Christian (Please no debates on this, both of my parents had tattoos and were religious) So I left that church, and after that I didn't find a new one before college. In college I became friends with a Wiccan (who is now married to a Christian, so not sure where she stands now, but i'm still friends with her) and a Pagan. Neither of these ladies tried to change me, but I realized that I didn't know where I stood. My family had gone through so much over the years before that, that I began to hate God, and I screamed at Him daily for a long time, until finally I didn't care any longer.
Two years later I still refused church and anything else to do with religion, but that year didn't spring break, one of my dog's just vanished. He was blind and never left my moms side, but one morning, she took him out and she turned to check on the other dog and looked back and he was gone (We live out in the country and our dogs never ran from the yard). We searched and searched, until it was the day I had to go back to college. That night, I can remember sitting on my bed in the dorm, crying my eyes out and finally screaming "If You want me to believe, I need some proof that you care!" The next day, which was Monday and meant he had been missing for 4 days, I had just gotten to work when my phone rang and it was my mom, and of course I assumed the worse, because at that point, we only ever got bad news, she was crying when she told me that the dog appeared in the yard, clean as can be, not hurt, and happy to be home (Around our house are woods so we figure someone took him but brought him back) but I took that as my proof, and I sat there and cried. I slowly began to start reading the Bible again, but still wasn't ready for a church.
Now after I graduated college, I couldn't find a job, everyone had told me I was over qualified and under experienced, until I finally became a delivery driver for a place called Jimmy Johns. One Sunday afternoon, two men and a woman came in, and the woman was wearing a shirt with Snoopy and Woodstock, and the theme music written in music notes across the shirt. I started talking to her about it, telling her that I have one with Amazing Grace written on it. They invited me to their church, because the woman and the man that was her husband were the music directors, and the other guy was a close friend who was also in the choir. I have always been in choir and I did miss singing in one, but I still felt unsure. Well Wednesday came around, and I still wasn't sure, I didn't want to be looked down on for being a delivery driver, but I was just coming back from a delivery and someone called my name (The Jimmy Johns was connected to a Dunkin Donuts, and they have a drive-through) I turn to look and it was the man from a few days before, getting his wife a coffee. He asked if I was coming, and I felt like that my was nudge to give the church a chance (What's the likelihood of him coming through at the same time I was coming back?) So I went, and was very glad I did.
Well fast forward a little while and my dad was diagnosed with Liver Failure. I kept strong in my prayers, hoping we could get a transplant. He hadn't gone to church in a long time but I finally talked him in to giving my church a chance, so he did, and at the end of the service, I went to the alter to pray, praying for Him to touch my dad. I got back to our seat, and I was crying, and my dad kissed my hand and walked out front. My mom and I cried because we knew he was going to ask to be saved. A few weeks later we were all baptized, and dad started praying and came to church but soon his health was just too bad.

The past six months have been very trying for me, and I found myself slipping again. In November my uncle was shot and killed, and then in December, the day after Christmas, my dad lost his battle with Liver failure. I went into a severe depression, which I am trying to work out of, and found myself beginning to no longer care.
This past week was Revival at my church, now I only got to go Sunday morning and Wednesday night because I work night shifts and couldn't ask for them off because I'm a temp and I just took a week off for my honeymoon.
Sunday morning, the visiting preacher asked a few questions, and one of them made me realize how far I was slipping. That morning I went to the alter to pray, along with many other people, and I prayed. I prayed for strength, and courage, and I prayed for His help to grow spiritually.
I love my church family, but something I have realized is I am not close to anyone. There are people I consider friends, but I don't see them outside of church, and I know I don't have an excuse now, but before, I didn't want to leave my dads side unless I had to. Now I guess it is more of a fear because I don't feel like I am religious enough....


Anyways, I guess I am looking for friends, to maybe help me grow. I feel like music is what helps me most, and my choir director always has me singing solo's.