I grew up in a family of Christian's, but it wasn't a Christian home. My family kept their beliefs to themselves.  Growing up my father was abusive toward me.  As a12 year old I was sexually assaulted by a 19 year old male...I have so many scars from cuts if I ever went swimming I'd have to do so with a shirt on. I struggle with depression and other mental health issues. I'm also a former Atheist. I was very openly Making fun of Christian beliefs, insulting them and being all around unpleasant.  I can't say I didn't feel bad  sometimesbad even back then. obviously now...things are vastly different. I still struggle...but the past few years I've been dipping my toe in the Christian community. Im no longer the same edgy, sad teenager. Now I'm an edgy, sad 21 year old trying to get a feel for all this and find my way to God. I'm no longer an atheist but am occasionally plagued with doubts. I'm trying so hard. Sometimes it's like theres this pulling feeling. Like my heart is gravitating towards God...that's actually the feeling that brought me this way. I don't think I just woke up and wanted to believe in God one day, I really kinda just felt that I was gradually being pulled that way. Sometimes though I'll lay in bed, depressed and questioning everything. I'm fairly new to faith...I'm honestly kinda lost. I never read the Bible, I haven't stepped foot into a church since I was like...4. then there's all this hate.  people gleefully denouncing God, calling the Bible a book of fairy tales. I used to do that...I was with them. It's so weird seeing things from the other point of view now. I feel the pain I caused.   I want to embrace God...but I keep losing my grip. I feel like my faith is just...weak. that I just don't have the strength to worship him and love him.