i get these emotional burnout symptoms, especially after a social event, and i feel ten times more alone in life on my way back home after such events than if i just stay home and manage my life alone.

it's like a sharp contrast, a mental shock; when i interract intensively with people for a few hours; then i return to my extreme isolation feeling like nobody even came close to touching my situation and breaking the walls around my life.

so somehow i go back home feeling more crappy than if i had just hung out alone in the park and watched videos all day.

at social events i have to put my normal person face mask on. I have to smile at people and be happy for them for whatever good they have. I have to be all friendly and nice; and listen to their issues or frustrations, and inquire of their health and children and life issues.

I have to give of myself; to give friendship and love and courtesy.

But if i dare try to express my own needs i only meet cold indifferent stares; attitudes of rejection and basically very little love at all.

So i get no emotional support nor comfort, no friendship, no love. And when i go back home it just breaks me down. So i cry even on the subway sometimes, from an exhaustion.

it's a burnout, i feel drained and i just start weeping in public. It's horrible and very embarassing