Children Of Divorced Parents Support Group
This community is for the children of divorce, both for adult children who have lived through a divorce as well as parents concerned about the effects of divorce on their children. Share your story and get advice in this support group, where there are others going through similar challenges.
First, a brief background...
I am the 50yo mother of an 18yo daughter and 15yo son. Their dad and I divorced (mostly due to my alcoholism - I am now sober for 10+ years) when they were 6 and 3 respectively. I was initially granted custody, but my ex petitioned for custody when it became apparent that I was still struggling with my addiction. By that time, he had a live-in girlfriend whom he married shortly thereafter. My ex and his wife have since had 2 children of their own (ages 7 and 3ish).
So my children have lived with their dad and stepmom for about 13 yrs, and have 2 half-siblings. I am extremely grateful that my ex is able to support them (financially) better than I would have been able to, and also that their stepmom has treated them as her own since day one. I am so grateful that my children were able to grow up in a 2-parent home and have younger siblings.
I live about 1 hr away, and when the kids were younger, I would visit them every other weekend or so. I would pick them up at their home on Friday evening, we would check into a hotel and spend the weekend going places, swimming, having fun etc. They would also come visit me and my current husband during the summer (1 week or so) and over long holiday weekends. As the kids grew older, it was harder to make plans, as they have after school jobs and summer jobs, etc. I still attempt to see them once a month, go have lunch, see a movie, etc. I think we are on good terms, my daughter confides in me, my son and I have fun together. I call, text and email during the week, but sometimes it takes a couple of days to get a response. I realize my kids are busy teenagers (my daughter esp - she is going away to college this fall).
My issue is that I am rarely acknowledged on my birthday or for Mother's Day. Mother's Day most of all. I realize that their stepmom has been "mom" to them most of their lives, and I know they celebrate with her. Is it too much to expect that they would call me or send a card? I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not. Maybe I'm just being selfish.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
I am the 50yo mother of an 18yo daughter and 15yo son. Their dad and I divorced (mostly due to my alcoholism - I am now sober for 10+ years) when they were 6 and 3 respectively. I was initially granted custody, but my ex petitioned for custody when it became apparent that I was still struggling with my addiction. By that time, he had a live-in girlfriend whom he married shortly thereafter. My ex and his wife have since had 2 children of their own (ages 7 and 3ish).
So my children have lived with their dad and stepmom for about 13 yrs, and have 2 half-siblings. I am extremely grateful that my ex is able to support them (financially) better than I would have been able to, and also that their stepmom has treated them as her own since day one. I am so grateful that my children were able to grow up in a 2-parent home and have younger siblings.
I live about 1 hr away, and when the kids were younger, I would visit them every other weekend or so. I would pick them up at their home on Friday evening, we would check into a hotel and spend the weekend going places, swimming, having fun etc. They would also come visit me and my current husband during the summer (1 week or so) and over long holiday weekends. As the kids grew older, it was harder to make plans, as they have after school jobs and summer jobs, etc. I still attempt to see them once a month, go have lunch, see a movie, etc. I think we are on good terms, my daughter confides in me, my son and I have fun together. I call, text and email during the week, but sometimes it takes a couple of days to get a response. I realize my kids are busy teenagers (my daughter esp - she is going away to college this fall).
My issue is that I am rarely acknowledged on my birthday or for Mother's Day. Mother's Day most of all. I realize that their stepmom has been "mom" to them most of their lives, and I know they celebrate with her. Is it too much to expect that they would call me or send a card? I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not. Maybe I'm just being selfish.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
It will take awhile for them to recognize you back into their life and perhaps get those acknowledgement you desire. Don't break off your communication with them. If your child is going college, ask when their Moms Weekends are and schedule from there. I think it would be best to celebrate with them on other holidays, memorial day or easter etc. and maybe one day you will be celebrated your mother day. Good luck.
I will tell you this teenagers (it doesn't matter if they come from abusive back grounds or not) they forget. It's their time to be selfish. But it is also a time when they learn that being selfish is not always good. Just like when babies and toddlers go through milestones, teenagers like it or not are going through milestones. Their milestone is called society and relations. They are learning how to relate to people. This is the time they learn that not everyone is your friend. People you think care for you actually don.t People lie and cheat. Friends backstab. As a parent we want to sheild our kids from this but this is all part of growing up. This is the world we live in and your not the only one in it. People may not always agree with you etc.
Anyway, in my opinion (congrats on not drinking anymore) but they may be angry with you because of the family splitting and becoming no longer secure. Children thrive on security and repetition. Example: I wake up I have breakfast with dad at the table and at bedtime mom reads a story.
Because of these daily rituals kids develop a since of security because they no every morning they wake up what is going to happen. And a few months out of the year there are some surprises aka birthdays and christmas etc.
When divorce happens, this changes everything. Its like a disrupt of service. Kids start feel anxiety and not belong anywhere because the daily rituals are no longer. They don't know what to expect. Over time this can cause resentment. Most kids grow up and never face their anger or bitterness. Instead they ignore it altogether never healing completely.
Your kids may come around but like everything it takes time. Maybe talk to a therapist and ask them advice on how to approach your kids to get them to open up about how they feel. Maybe they are angry and they need to address it. Again I don't know your whole story or situation. I hope one day your kids will reach out to you. I personally do not talk to either parent anymore. But my situation is a lot different. I come from a very abusive background. For my sons sake I don't bring him around that family. My mother is completely selfcentered. She only wants to talk to me when my sister is mad at her. All she does is gossip and I get tired of it. My father doesn't care two cents about me. He told me he did not love me and that I was the reason for his divorce. I can't help I was born. My parents may have not planned for me but God did. I am suppose to be here even though they didn't want me here. And I rest in the fact God accepts me the way I am. Anyway, I pray your children and you could have some sort of quality relationship together. I can see by you even coming to this board that is what you want. God Bless
I am a 17 year old child of divorced parents, I still see both of my parents, they live close so our time is split equally between them. When my dad got re-married, I never even gave her a present for mothers day. I would just feel weird doing that since my real mom is still around.
I never thought of my step-mom as my mom, i would always call her by her first name. She was always more of a friend than a parent figure to me.
You should try to talk to them about it, just say something gently, such as that you feel hurt that they don't even acknowledge mother's day to you.