Last year my parents went through a really rough divorce in which my mom cheated on my dad with my (at the time) best friends dad. This was very traumatizing for me and my 3 sisters becuase we were forced to move into a tiny appartment, there was constant screaming between my parents, my mom wouldn't (and still doesn't) take responsibility for what happened, I had to break ties with my best friend and our mutual friends, change schools, and sheild my little sister from what was going on. I was already suicidal before everything blew up in my family and this severely worsened it. 

Before my parents split I did hear a lot of fighting between them because my dad wasn't emotionally supportive for my mom. He was a good father but he would really help my mom with anything. I know they loved eachother, but my oldest sister and I could see things fading between them for a long while. None of us expected my mom to cheat on my dad though. 

My dad is responsible in the sense that he wanted to give my mom more financial support than what the lawyers were saying he should give her and he wanted equal custody of us, but my mom kept fighting for more and more money until months later where we barely had any money to get by. They finalized the divorce leaving my mom with less money than was originally planned because my dad didn't have the money after dragging out their split up for so long. (keep in mind I'm still young and all of the lawyer info came from my dad so I don't exactly have a good grasp on it). All the while this is happening I'm having to scream above my parents, begging them to take their fights outside so we don't have to listen to it, but they almost never would. My oldest sister was already moved out by this time, my second oldest sister had some struggles in elementary school which caused her to not be emotonally available with the shock that was going through all of us at the time, so it was left to me to make sure my little sister was proteted from my parents and the reality of what was going on. 

I do carry most of the blame on my mother. Rather than seeking some help from a marrige counselor she went out with jerk who emotionally abused her. Because of this I'm not able to build back uo the relationship that I once had with my mom. She's always texting her lover and getting gifts from him and going out with him so it's no wonder that I started relying on my dad for emotional support. He was my lifeline through the entire ordeal and still is, but my mother can't stand it. She asks me why I don't come to her with my problems and why I don't ever hangout with her all while texting her lover while driving 75 mph down the freeway instead of listening to me. Everything has to be about her unless it's about their divorce. In that case it's all about how my dad wasn't there for her and how she was the victim in the divorce (not her traumatized children).

At this point I've tried to let go of what happened, but when situations arise she says that shes given me chance after chance to redeem myself for her and build a relationship between us, but apparently I'm the one hyjacking any progress made between us. I want to have a good relationship with her and I want to spend time with her, but she makes it so difficult to like her. I want her to know that my dad is who I like going to for emotional support but I don't want to hurt her feelings (despite the hell she put me through). she says one day I'll realize how right she is and how horrible my dad is. Shes always bad mouthing my dad with little comments and when I try to reach out to her it's like talking to a brick wall.