Children Of Divorced Parents Support Group

This community is for the children of divorce, both for adult children who have lived through a divorce as well as parents concerned about the effects of divorce on their children. Share your story and get advice in this support group, where there are others going through similar challenges.

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writerfighter1441 09/24/2016

Hello everyone! I figured I'd join this group because I really want some advice from others who understand my situation, and I really don't know who else to talk to besides complete strangers so here goes. I am a sixteen year old girl, and I have never been in a relationship. I haven't even held hands with a guy, much less ever gone out on a real date. And I know that that isn't a bad thing and that I'm able to be independent, but I want to have a relationship that all of my friends have, I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. I have felt attraction to many guys before, but every time I think something might be happening with said guy, I panic and retreat into my shell. I think this has been caused by my parents' divorce. My parents divorced when I was twelve and it was, to say the least, completely unexpected. After that, I just haven't found the appeal of a relationship. I picture it as being together only to inevitably break up in the end, and I hate that I think that. I read that children of divorce are TWICE as likely to get divorced themselves than children from intact families, and that children from broken families are less likely to maintain serious relationships, and that terrifies me. I want to have a serious boyfriend and get married and have a wonderful relationship, but I'm terrified of being another statistic, especially after watching my own parents divorce. Also, my maternal grandparents went through a pretty nasty divorce, as well as almost all of my aunts and uncles, so divorce seems pretty "genetic" in my family. I think this is why I'm afraid to be in a relationship. Am I doomed because of the situation I've been put in? I would love to know if there are any others who feel the same way I do, and if anyone has any advice for what I could do. Anything would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

trueblue 09/25/2016

I am 41, and a child of divorced parents as well as divorced grandparents. I've been married for 20 years and this is my first marriage. Take it from me: Your past doesn't have to define you. You can have a great marriage someday in spite of coming from a divorced home. What I would say is that you have to be determined to break the divorce cycle, and that will mean working extra hard on your eventual marriage to make it strong. You are very fortunate that right now you are young enough to experiment with getting to know guys, without having to commit to a serious relationship. If I were you, I would just date casually, or better yet, just become friends with a few guys. Don't get in over your head with all the emotions, breakups, etc. Just get to know how guys think, how they relate and communicate, and start to make a list of qualities you admire. Also work on becoming as emotionally healthy as you can be. Read books about how to choose a spouse and how to create lasting relationships. Then, when you get older and are ready for a serious relationship, you will be better able to choose wisely. I can't emphasize this enough: When the time comes, it is very important that you choose a spouse wisely, letting both your head and heart steer your course of action. If you notice any red flags when you are dating someone who you're serious about (and this includes red flags that your friends or family mention to you---listen to them!), then you need to slow the relationship way down and take your time to see if the red flag is part of a pattern of ongoing behavior. Make sure you are 100% deeply in love with whoever you marry. Most men do not change, so any personality flaws that you notice (or pretend not to notice) when you're dating will only be magnified when you get married. I was 21 when I got married, and if I could go back and get married again, I would wait until I was a little older, like mid-twenties. I have found that people don't have a fully developed sense of themselves, who they really are, what they want to accomplish, etc. until they're in their mid-twenties.

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