Children Of Divorced Parents Support Group
This community is for the children of divorce, both for adult children who have lived through a divorce as well as parents concerned about the effects of divorce on their children. Share your story and get advice in this support group, where there are others going through similar challenges.
Hello. My name is Annie. I am a member of some other support groups here on DS, but came to this one to ask for some much needed advice.
I am not a child of divorced parents, but my parent's marriage is not an ideal one. My mother is a narcissist and my father is codependent.
This, in turn, has manifested in my life when I ended up marrying at a young age, to, you guessed it, a narcissist. And I became the codependent one. Of course, I knew nothing about narcissism growing up or when I got married. I've learned since.
In the 10 years I have been in this relationship, I spent the first 7 in that codependent stupor, and allowed myself to be a doormat for my husband in every way.
So, I ended up stuck in my tiny hometown, isolated from anyone except for my narcissist mother and husband (no friends because hubby didn't like anyone I tried to befriend), and though respected in my work life, in a constant struggle with hubby who didn't like me spending so much attention away from him. I thought it was a compliment that he wanted me all to himself. It was just possessiveness I see in retrospect.
Even so, I always tried to be the perfect wife and do all the housework, manage the finances, do the shopping, cooking, basically run my life, hubby's life, and everything else (except mow the lawn, he did mow the lawn). I let everything that made me, me...fade. I settled into the mold he chose, and was quietly miserable. No one even knew.
Now we have a son. It was unexpected, but a blessing. The best thing to ever happen in my life. He is my heart and the light of my universe. I would do anything, absolutely anything to spare him the slightest moment of pain or sorrow. I love him more than I can put into words. And he is a wonderful child. He is 2.
My husband is good with our son, but often absent. He cries when speaking of how much he loves our son, but only visits a short time between his work and leisure activities. Basically,he works,comes home to eat and change clothes, and goes back out, coming home after the baby is in bed. He has rarely fed him,never bathed him, and if I ask him to watch the baby,he usually watches television and does not pay attention. Sometimes it is different and he plays with our son, but it's on hubby's terms, always.
In the last 3 years, as I refuse to allow my husband to use out son as narcissistic supply and try to set boundaries, the marriage has deteriorated to nothing but a coparenting relationship. Husband and I are not really a couple at all anymore. He works, I stay home with our son, and still do absolutely everything 24/7 (except mow the lawn :/ )
We do not fight anymore, as we hardly interact enough to get worked up. And even then, I just don't care enough to fight anymore anyway.
But my question is this: Do I stay with him or not?
I know it is not "good" to stay together for the kids,so to speak, but I think that is more of when there is a lot of fighting going on, isn't it?
If we split, I will have to put the baby in daycare instead of with me,which neither of us wants, and the whole custody thing would begin. My husband would try for full custody just to "win" because he has to win at everything. And I could not bear to be away from my baby. And what about birthdays and holidays...I don't want my son to have to choose, or miss his other parent!
If I could just be sure that my son will be happier one way or the other, that would be what I would do. I really don't care about what I want...I only care what my son would want...
I'm really struggling with this.
What does my son want? As children of divorced parents, can you help me?
Feel free to ask me anything, or message me.
Thanks for reading my loooooong post.
Love,
~Annie
I am not a child of divorced parents, but my parent's marriage is not an ideal one. My mother is a narcissist and my father is codependent.
This, in turn, has manifested in my life when I ended up marrying at a young age, to, you guessed it, a narcissist. And I became the codependent one. Of course, I knew nothing about narcissism growing up or when I got married. I've learned since.
In the 10 years I have been in this relationship, I spent the first 7 in that codependent stupor, and allowed myself to be a doormat for my husband in every way.
So, I ended up stuck in my tiny hometown, isolated from anyone except for my narcissist mother and husband (no friends because hubby didn't like anyone I tried to befriend), and though respected in my work life, in a constant struggle with hubby who didn't like me spending so much attention away from him. I thought it was a compliment that he wanted me all to himself. It was just possessiveness I see in retrospect.
Even so, I always tried to be the perfect wife and do all the housework, manage the finances, do the shopping, cooking, basically run my life, hubby's life, and everything else (except mow the lawn, he did mow the lawn). I let everything that made me, me...fade. I settled into the mold he chose, and was quietly miserable. No one even knew.
Now we have a son. It was unexpected, but a blessing. The best thing to ever happen in my life. He is my heart and the light of my universe. I would do anything, absolutely anything to spare him the slightest moment of pain or sorrow. I love him more than I can put into words. And he is a wonderful child. He is 2.
My husband is good with our son, but often absent. He cries when speaking of how much he loves our son, but only visits a short time between his work and leisure activities. Basically,he works,comes home to eat and change clothes, and goes back out, coming home after the baby is in bed. He has rarely fed him,never bathed him, and if I ask him to watch the baby,he usually watches television and does not pay attention. Sometimes it is different and he plays with our son, but it's on hubby's terms, always.
In the last 3 years, as I refuse to allow my husband to use out son as narcissistic supply and try to set boundaries, the marriage has deteriorated to nothing but a coparenting relationship. Husband and I are not really a couple at all anymore. He works, I stay home with our son, and still do absolutely everything 24/7 (except mow the lawn :/ )
We do not fight anymore, as we hardly interact enough to get worked up. And even then, I just don't care enough to fight anymore anyway.
But my question is this: Do I stay with him or not?
I know it is not "good" to stay together for the kids,so to speak, but I think that is more of when there is a lot of fighting going on, isn't it?
If we split, I will have to put the baby in daycare instead of with me,which neither of us wants, and the whole custody thing would begin. My husband would try for full custody just to "win" because he has to win at everything. And I could not bear to be away from my baby. And what about birthdays and holidays...I don't want my son to have to choose, or miss his other parent!
If I could just be sure that my son will be happier one way or the other, that would be what I would do. I really don't care about what I want...I only care what my son would want...
I'm really struggling with this.
What does my son want? As children of divorced parents, can you help me?
Feel free to ask me anything, or message me.
Thanks for reading my loooooong post.
Love,
~Annie
First, I'd like to just put up front that I am not a therapist or doctor, so please take all of my advice with a healthy dose of granulated sea salt. I am the adult daughter of divorced parents, their divorce was just finalized today, and I am 22. So this is the perspective that I'm coming from when I write this.
My mother stayed. My parents relationship was not abusive or completely unhealthy. But they were both very very unhappy, and did not communicate well at all. They began their divorce after my brother graduated from high school a year and a half ago. I'm telling you this back story because I think it's important to understand this perspective.
So I don't want to take a side on whether you should stay or leave, only to explain the pros and cons of my mother staying, and through our experience, add information for you to consider.
Because my mother stayed in a relationship that lacked communication, my brother and I both do not deal effectively with conflict and have a hard time communicating our needs, and compromising. We never really learned what conflict or communication looks like in a healthy relationship.
My father was also emotionally and physically unavailable (much like it seems your husband may be), and he has a very poor relationship with my father because of it. My brother didn't have a strong and present male figure from whom to learn the basics of "being a man" and I can tell you that significantly effected him. He has some misogynistic tendencies, he doesn't express emotion well, he has a quid-pro-quo attitude about everything and loves conditionally. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother to pieces and believe that, overall, he is a good man. But if he'd had a father figure he respected and who was present, he would have been very different.
When my parents finally divorced, it was hard on my brother and I, like it's hard on all children. I don't know if it's better to stay in a loveless unhappy marriage for children when they're young, if the "family part is okay" as my mother says. But I can tell you from experience that my brother and I knew when my parents stopped loving each other. We knew. And the false happiness and the constant tension in our family is something we are still working out in ourselves.
Having said all of this, my childhood wasn't bad. I have a lot of good memories, and a strong foundation. My parents created a life for us that was by no means perfect, but is the rock upon which I have based my own life on. I am able to look back at my childhood and the life lessons my parents taught me with mostly happiness, even today. So they must have done something right, because my brother and I turned out pretty great :)
I wouldn't know what to tell you, and anyone who says you should definitely do one or the other isn't someone you should be listening to for advice haha. But I hope our story helps you, or at least gives you something to think about.
Love and happy vibes,
Kate