Child Support & Custody Support Group
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hey everyone! i was wondering if i could get some feedback on something that happened this weekend. my situation is that my ex is verbally/emotionally abusive toward me and has started turning it toward his son. about a month ago he became physical, grabbing our son by the neck in anger. i was scared by this behaviour, and decided that i was going to put the kid in playschool full time. prior to that he had been spending 3 full days per week with his father. i wrote up a parenting agreement in which fin would be in school full time and he'd visit his father for three hours a night on monday, tuesday, and wednesday. so far the dad hasn't signed. i have full custody of our son because we were never married. if we go to court, we'll almost certainly get shared custody (this state is like that) despite the dv charges and other stuff...his father does nothing all day with the kid except watch tv. it's disgusting.
okay, so this will be fin's third full week in playschool. they're moving him up to the 4-year old group even though he just turned 3 in august, because he's very smart and benefits from the extra stimulation. i'm THRILLED about this! i told his father last week that this was happening.
okay, so here's the problem. the dad called me up on saturday to ask if he could take finny to the zoo on tuesday. (note: he's NEVER taken finny ANYWHERE in the past 3 years. no lie.) so i said, "he's got school that day." and the dad says, "it's JUST daycare. it's not school." i said,"he's doing really well there and he's not going to take a day off right now. so no." he started to argue with me again and i said, "i have to go." and hung up. my tone was cordial even though i felt that he was wrong to ask me that.
i feel that fin NEEDS consistency right now. everything is so topsy turvy with the new arrangement and new playschool and all that. i really feel that the dad should just sign the agreement and stick to it. to call me up and ask to have extra time, make changes, etc. is not acceptable to me and i feel that it's not good for fin.
i'd love to hear any thoughts you all may have about this. i would like to add that despite the dad's flaws, he and fin have a love for each other and i don't want to break them up. but the dad has some serious anger issues and i don't think he should be spending a WHOLE lot of time with the kid.
thanks, everyone!
okay, so this will be fin's third full week in playschool. they're moving him up to the 4-year old group even though he just turned 3 in august, because he's very smart and benefits from the extra stimulation. i'm THRILLED about this! i told his father last week that this was happening.
okay, so here's the problem. the dad called me up on saturday to ask if he could take finny to the zoo on tuesday. (note: he's NEVER taken finny ANYWHERE in the past 3 years. no lie.) so i said, "he's got school that day." and the dad says, "it's JUST daycare. it's not school." i said,"he's doing really well there and he's not going to take a day off right now. so no." he started to argue with me again and i said, "i have to go." and hung up. my tone was cordial even though i felt that he was wrong to ask me that.
i feel that fin NEEDS consistency right now. everything is so topsy turvy with the new arrangement and new playschool and all that. i really feel that the dad should just sign the agreement and stick to it. to call me up and ask to have extra time, make changes, etc. is not acceptable to me and i feel that it's not good for fin.
i'd love to hear any thoughts you all may have about this. i would like to add that despite the dad's flaws, he and fin have a love for each other and i don't want to break them up. but the dad has some serious anger issues and i don't think he should be spending a WHOLE lot of time with the kid.
thanks, everyone!
I can understand you not disrupting his three days that you have him going but you are taking more and more time.by adding him going the other two days.No wonder this man is frustrated..He does not tell you what to do in your spare time with the child so why should you dictate what he does in his spare time with the child?
Why must you try to take every inch you can get with your son, Does he not deserve the time as well? Especially if he's not working during those times.????? If he gets him only in the evening what kind of bonding can you really do especially if he'd like to take him to a zoo or a park or something during the day, when those things can really be done only during the day!
I don't know the context of what exactly happened when he grabbed your son but all of that matters. If your ex is a good, caring father who would never hurt your son in any way, I would say let them spend that extra time together. Especially at this age, I agree some extra time with dad would be great for your son and is more important than missing playschool a this point. I am just concerned about your ex having grabbed your son's neck.
I personally also think it's odd that out of the blue he wants to take him to the zoo when he has never taken him anywhere in the past 3 years. Odd yes, but no reason not to let him do so, unless there is a legitimate fear or concern of any kind for your son's safety with his father. If there is no fear or concern, you should seriously consider allowing the extra time for dad and son. Good luck. Keep us updated!
Is there any way to get an agreement, usually court ordered, to force him to seek anger management counseling in order to have extra visitation?
I agree that extra time with him can be beneficial...but not if he's abusive.
I learned alot from a very good, sympathetic lawyer who helped me remodify our schedule. My ex is not stable and is an abuser. He changes jobs, girlfriends and where he lives constantly and expects me to be flexible. His control of the schedule, constant changing was disruptive to me and to the children. I was able to settle out of court and get him to stick to a modify schedule by making him think he was really hurting me. I would give in on what I could but make him think it was terrible to me. Then I could get what I needed - stability for the children.
Unfortunately he is now attempting to control in other aspects- negative comments to the kids. Document it all. What kids tell you is hearsay, but if you have emails and witnesses it helps. You can testify that he grabbed your son innappropriately- document it. My kids are in therapy so there is record of ex;s behavior affecting their emotional health. He wanted nothing to do with the kids until I left him four years ago, so he is desperately seeking to control me still through the children.
You have to be very careful with someone who is abusive. I made the mistake thinking children were shielded and that I left the abuse behind when I divorced him four years ago. Be aware and best of luck!