Child Support & Custody Support Group
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I will try to keep this short and I will fail :)
In October 2010 my now ex wife left the children and I. I won't get into the specifics, the moral of the story is Facebook and a high school sweetheart. I did my homework and read how once a parent leaves, there is a new family dynamic. It used to be parents and children. Now it was Dad, son, and daughter. The three of us started family therapy in December of 2010.
My ex's behavior changed dramatically after leaving. I don't know if it was the fact that I wasn't a mediating force between her and the children anymore or if it was/is something more psychologically clinical (I'm not a psychologist so it would be unfair for me to hazard a guess) but she became verbally abusive toward the children. Arguing with them. Children in tears constantly. They were acting out in school.
The family therapist did her best to help the children. She would meet with the three of us together, sometimes just one child, sometimes both children together. She tried to get ex involved but ex never would attend a session. Sadly, the therapist's most consistent line was "We can't change Mom." The therapist's only solution was "The yelling has to stop!" But she had no power to make that happen.
My ex and I had visitation arranged in the divorce agreement. Visitation was to be one overnight every weekend. But, since she was still on the deed to the house, she would come and get the kids off the bus every day giving her plenty of opportunities to fight with them. I got her off the deed and put up the no trespassing sign. That solved the every day problem and a lot of the yelling problem. But it led my ex suing me for custody.
Ex ended up with every other weekend and two afternoons per week when we settled out of court over a year ago. My victory was that family therapy with the children and their mother was included in the court order. I want nothing more than for my children to have a good relationship with their mother! I want them to be happy to spend time with her! I want her to be a good example for them! I want them to love her! But a year of court-ordered therapy didn't work. Ex ignored the parts of the court order she didn't like. Things just got worse.
Our children both have chronic medical conditions that are impacted heavily by stress. I fear for their health. The the therapist finally recommended to the attorneys (mine and my ex's) that a custody evaluation be done. I immediately filed a petition to modify custody that includes the evaluation.
My ex never took responsibility for her actions. She denies the things she says to the children. She makes stuff up and believes what she imagines. I've been in a position with the family therapist plenty of times where I had to lay out the facts to disprove my ex wife's imaginary truths. But my children can't do that. They are too young to have those skills yet.
I've followed the rules. Made every effort not to bad mouth their mother while their mother vilifies me every chance she can. I've followed the court orders to a T but my ex picks and chooses what she wants to do (I've passed up on filing two separate contempt of court motions against her because the custody case I'm involved in now seemed a wiser path). I document everything I can and make sure my facts are straight.
I don't know if there's much more I can do but if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it! If you have advice on dealing with someone who has uncontrolled anger directed toward you and uses your children to try to act out on that anger, I want to hear your advice. If you have an ex who refuses to take responsibility for their actions and chooses to blame you instead, I want to hear your advice. If you have experience communicating with someone like this, I want to hear your advice (I've been communicating with her in a very clinical manner as you would someone who is mentally disturbed. Give them the info they need, ignore the babble.)
Thanks in advance. Sorry for the long story.
In October 2010 my now ex wife left the children and I. I won't get into the specifics, the moral of the story is Facebook and a high school sweetheart. I did my homework and read how once a parent leaves, there is a new family dynamic. It used to be parents and children. Now it was Dad, son, and daughter. The three of us started family therapy in December of 2010.
My ex's behavior changed dramatically after leaving. I don't know if it was the fact that I wasn't a mediating force between her and the children anymore or if it was/is something more psychologically clinical (I'm not a psychologist so it would be unfair for me to hazard a guess) but she became verbally abusive toward the children. Arguing with them. Children in tears constantly. They were acting out in school.
The family therapist did her best to help the children. She would meet with the three of us together, sometimes just one child, sometimes both children together. She tried to get ex involved but ex never would attend a session. Sadly, the therapist's most consistent line was "We can't change Mom." The therapist's only solution was "The yelling has to stop!" But she had no power to make that happen.
My ex and I had visitation arranged in the divorce agreement. Visitation was to be one overnight every weekend. But, since she was still on the deed to the house, she would come and get the kids off the bus every day giving her plenty of opportunities to fight with them. I got her off the deed and put up the no trespassing sign. That solved the every day problem and a lot of the yelling problem. But it led my ex suing me for custody.
Ex ended up with every other weekend and two afternoons per week when we settled out of court over a year ago. My victory was that family therapy with the children and their mother was included in the court order. I want nothing more than for my children to have a good relationship with their mother! I want them to be happy to spend time with her! I want her to be a good example for them! I want them to love her! But a year of court-ordered therapy didn't work. Ex ignored the parts of the court order she didn't like. Things just got worse.
Our children both have chronic medical conditions that are impacted heavily by stress. I fear for their health. The the therapist finally recommended to the attorneys (mine and my ex's) that a custody evaluation be done. I immediately filed a petition to modify custody that includes the evaluation.
My ex never took responsibility for her actions. She denies the things she says to the children. She makes stuff up and believes what she imagines. I've been in a position with the family therapist plenty of times where I had to lay out the facts to disprove my ex wife's imaginary truths. But my children can't do that. They are too young to have those skills yet.
I've followed the rules. Made every effort not to bad mouth their mother while their mother vilifies me every chance she can. I've followed the court orders to a T but my ex picks and chooses what she wants to do (I've passed up on filing two separate contempt of court motions against her because the custody case I'm involved in now seemed a wiser path). I document everything I can and make sure my facts are straight.
I don't know if there's much more I can do but if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it! If you have advice on dealing with someone who has uncontrolled anger directed toward you and uses your children to try to act out on that anger, I want to hear your advice. If you have an ex who refuses to take responsibility for their actions and chooses to blame you instead, I want to hear your advice. If you have experience communicating with someone like this, I want to hear your advice (I've been communicating with her in a very clinical manner as you would someone who is mentally disturbed. Give them the info they need, ignore the babble.)
Thanks in advance. Sorry for the long story.
Here is what I know, when it comes to changing custody, it's going to vary based on the state. My understanding, today, in most states, the laws favor 50/50 custody pretty much no matter what. Unless the other party willingly gives up joint custody. Or there is neglect (which is near impossible to define or prove) or abuse (again hard to define or prove). From the stats I've seen, 85% of those who have full custody, get it because the other party walked away (did not dispute it), it was agreed outside court.
Even if the other party walked away, they can still come back later, challenge it, say they changed their mind, earn it back (get 50/50 custody). Even if it's in the best interest of the child, to be with one parent most of the time (because mom parties a lot, kids don't want to be with her, etc...). To get gain full-custody, and keep it, you have to prove neglect, or abuse.
I say this as a former stay at home mom (to three kids, for 8 years, my ex spent little to not time with them before or after the divorce). Yet we have 50/50 custody (he fights it because he doesn't want to pay child support).