Child Support & Custody Support Group
This community is dedicated to those involved in child support and custody cases. There are a myriad of challenges involved in any case and this is a safe place to talk about what you're going through with others who may be going through the same. Join the group and seek advice, find or provide a listening ear, or just share your feelings in this support group.
Hey guys. So, long story short, it is what it is, I had a one night stand, six years ago, which resulted in a beautiful, amazing, brilliant baby boy. The man I slept with gave me a fake name when we were together, so I spent four years turning the world upsidedown to find him based upon this fake name, with no results, obviously. Then I ran into him in town, four years ago, and asked him over (he thought we were going to sleep together) and then I laid it on him that he has a kid. He freaked out, obviously, but then acted like he was going to do the right thing, and I believed him. Well, then he comes back two weeks later and says he can't do this. He loves his wife so much (the one he cheated on to make our baby, and the one he almost cheated on when he thought he had a chance with me, two years ago) that he would "honestly die if [he] didn't have her..." and he walks away and I never see him, again.
But I wasn't satisfied with that answer, and I kept looking for him. I posted ads online with a photo I had of him and asked people in the city if they knew anything about him. It took two years, but I finally got his real name, yesterday, and immediately filed for child support. A friend of mine did a facebook search with the new name and she found his account, and sure enough, he had blocked me. He doesn't even know that I know his real name, yet, but he had already preemptively blocked me (and I only joined facebook two months ago, so he's really on top of this...)
Here is my question: am I crazy? Is it worth it to go through all this trouble to make a man be responsible for a child he wants to pretend doesn't exist? He wants nothing to do with his son or me and he has gone to great lengths to keep things HIS way. Also, that wife he couldn't live without? Not even his wife, anymore. He divorced her, 18 months ago, and now he's married to some new woman. So he's clearly a piece of work. But am I being really creepy and stalkerish by having done so much to track him down when it was just a one night stand? I have such mixed emotions about this. On one hand, I feel like when you create a child, you have to step up. After all, I didn't plan on becoming pregnant, either, but when I found out about my son, I grew up and I became responsible for him. It shouldn't be different for the father, should it?
I need some perspective, here. Have I taken it too far? Should I have listened when he told me he couldn't be here? Does a man who has a one night stand and accidentally impregnates a woman have the obligation to support that child or should he have a choice to walk away? I'm just looking back on everything I've done to locate him and now that I finally have, I feel like a total stalker and like I had no right to file for child support against him when he's gone so far to erase our child from his consciousness.
Thoughts?
I think it's impressive you worked so hard to find him and did.
If you are doing this only because you want to make him suffer for what he did, and maybe you make plenty of money to raise your kid, then you might consider how this could go wrong.
If you ask for child support, then most likely the courts will give him visitation if he asks for it. Is that something that you want for your son?
What if he is a worse dirt bag than at first glance and he is willing to try to get visitation just because he wants to make you pay for making him pay?
How will it affect your kid if he has to accept a new parent in his life? That may be a good thing in some cases, but not always.
The idea of him having visitation rights makes me nervous. On one hand, I wonder if he'll even want to know his son. Will he just give the money, each month, and leave us alone? I discovered in my searching for him that he does have the money to give. He holds a very prominent and well-paying position in the community, which explains why he gave me a fake name. Though, I do also believe you're right about him being a dirt bag. He currently has a profile on Ashley Madison, so he can cheat on his second wife, as well. It's just disgusting and he doesn't seem like he'd be a good role model for my son. That being said, because we live in different states, a custody arrangement might be tricky enough that he won't even bother with it. That's what I'm hoping. Or that his time with my son is so limited, no real damage can happen. He won't hurt my son; he's not abusive. I think he's just sleazy and a terrible person to be in a relationship with, but he's a teacher and apparently really good with kids, according to everything I've read (yeah, I can read online reviews about how much people adore him ...it's *fantastic* -note the obvious sarcasm). So, while it's scary to think of sending my son to spend time with someone I don't know who has been such a scum bag, I'm hoping that, when it's all said and done, the guy will be decent enough to either stay out of the picture and pay the money, or at the very least, try to put his best foot forward when he is with my son.
It's just a difficult situation. If we weren't so desperate for his financial support, I probably wouldn't bother at all. I'm not one to seek out revenge; I've never really been an angry person. But I do need help raising my son and he's the only other person on this planet who is legally obligated to help, so it feels like I don't have much choice.
Do you have any tips for helping my son accept a new person in his life or for creating a peaceful custody arrangement, if it comes to that?
You should also record the Ashley M. web site stuff and all the other dirt you have on him. Now this may be playing dirty, but talk to the guy. Call him by his A.M. screen name. Let him know that you are filing for child support and don't want him in your kids life because he doesn't and hasn't wanted to be in it and because you don't think Ashley Madison is an appropriate person to have in your sons life. Then ask him nicely to do this the "easy way" and when would be a good time to sit down with your lawyer to work out the details.
I think he will get the message.
BTW, Legal Shield is a good way to get lots of info from lawyers, it is not ideal, but it helps when you cant afford one and if you learn how to ask questions the right way.
With legal club membership you get an attorney for flat hourly rate of $120/hr
Best advice:
Step one - investigate and document all details about this dirt bag guy or use private investigator
step two - when ready to file custody case take legal club membership for a lawyer with discounted hourly rate
With all the financial hassles your are going through may be this is the only way out good luck