Some of the earliest memories with my mother are being pushed or locked in a dark closet or room, cause i was scared of the dark and had inturupted her and the boyfriends play time, so they put me there, and made me stay.
i stayed with my grandmother often, she took care of me. she really was wonderful, i dont know where my mom went on. everyone that has known her just says something isnt right. if it wasnt for my grandma's early influence i think i would be dead or in jail. the physical didnt start till i was about 9. she put me out on my own when i was 13, to show me what the real world was and teach me responsibility. she put me in fostercare for a month, i petitioned the state to stay. there was also a divorce going on with my step dad, who was very young, and also abused me with her direction. she would tell him how i was the most horrible child, and he would come home and make me bend over and grab my ankles and bare my ass, then beat me with the belt, if i screamed or stood up, it was another 3 swats or whenever he felt like quitting, or he would hold me down so my mom could do it. she would hit me with whatever she got her hands on. if not her fists and kicking. he was 19 with no child experience, my mom 25 with two kids. she never touched my brothers or sisters like she did me. she was scared of my brother because he was a boy, and my sisters had a stable father (my stepfather) to run to. he ended up being ok for them at least.
love or affection was a prize for doing what she asked, it was a tool for obedience. as were birthdays and christmas presents, she would often take them away, or make you "WORK" for what she had given you, making you feel guilty. i was constantly told that she would make me respect her, that i didnt deserve the life she gave me. she would ridicule me in front of friends, so that soon their parents would not let them come over. she would make me bend over and stick my nose in crap, pick up rocks,smack me around, and apologize to my friends for MY behavior, when i had done nothing wrong. I was a kind child, full of love and forgiveness. i remember always stating, when someone was mean to me, that they know not what they do, and that i forgave them. i was not hard to handle, all any one had to do was ask, (sometimes twice LOL) but it really was that simple. i did not begin to feel resentment and this depression till my later years. i am currently 25, near 26. and this is one of the worst times in my life. i have been on my own since i was 16. i traded the abuse from my home, to finding abusive relationships with men.
the cycle continues. i did not see red flags, i did not know warning signs, i did not know how to love or trust, i did not understand emotions. i kept a tight lock on my true feelings, not knowing if i could trust them, or if that i showed how i felt that i would be abandoned. all i knew is that i had this gaping hole in my chest, and i thought love could fill it, but i would never recieve the love in return.
after years, i learned. i became tired of the constant hard heart breaking break ups. i realized the problem was inside me. i did research, support groups, read books. and thought i had gotten somewhat better.
now i am pregnat. i lost my first baby, we wanted another one. we didnt want to jump into getting married, now im glad we didnt marry. he is leaving me, saying i need to support myself. that im on my own with the baby. i trusted him as much as i could, let him take over my finances, and i didnt work for a couple months. he wanted me to find another job, and heal from the loss of the baby. i got pregnat just 2 months after losing the first one.
finding a new carreer takes time. he doesnt want me anymore. im broke, alone, and pregnat with no medical.
and this is bringing up all kinds of issues from before.
i feel abandoned, and hurt, and like a lost little kid, and all i want is my mommy, or a shoulder, or someone to hold me. well my mommy came by. and told me i destroyed the relationship. that he was a perfectly good guy till i got with him. that it was my fault. this hurts, how can she still get to me?
she also spread a rumor amongst friends and family that she caught me sleeping with my neighbor, which has no truth. i dont know whether or not i should abort the baby.
part of me wants to have it to spite him, cause if i abort it he wins, cause he doesnt have to pay child support,
if i have it he wins, cause i will be a single mom on welfare.
i know i would be a great mom, because i know how not to be a parent. and i love kids. i dont know what to do,
anyone else been here? im so lost. and im running out of time.