Wow, Marie: I do understand what your saying about having no feelings, the numbness the feeling of being their physically but not emotionally. I do understand that. It has been a long long path and a lot of hard work for me to get past those kinds of "feelings" for not feeling is also a feeling....I know...kind of an "oxymoron" huh. But, it is the truth. I also did that to myself when I was about 28 years old. That's 30 years ago, and it took me several years to work through it, and even now..when really stressed in a situation I have to remind myself NOT to turn my emotions off. The situation that "started" me on a path of healing was having a dry eye infection...um hum...I had to finally go to the doctor regarding it...and after the examination the doc sat down and ask me...how long has it been sense you actaully had a good cry?....I was taken aback at his question, because I didn't understand what that had to do with my eye problems....(funny how much the medical society can tell by the physical damage we cause ourselves) and I told him....years, I don't remember the last time I cryed...why?....and he told me..what you have done is caused your tear ducts to become nonfunctioning, thus the eye infection...he told me how our eyes depend on the tears to lubricate and keep them healthy...and now...mine didn't work anymore..because I had decided that if feeling had to hurt soooo badly..then I would just NOT FEEL! Well he precribed some lubracant that I had to put in my eyes for months every night...witch afterward I could not see until morning...an inconvenance....but I did, and it eventually made my tear ducts work again...he also advised I seek counseling...maybe through a church...WELL, I considered that for quite sometime...and finally I did start going to church...and reading my bible....and one thing lead to another....(one day at a time) My life started changing...didn't happen over night...there is not quick cure for having suffered from a dysfunctional abusive childhood...nope. There is however....HELP....a way to become all you can be...to feel all the GOOD feelings in life...and to love and trust again....people who desever that love and that trust and give it right back to you....believe me I KNOW....and believe me that when I was in your shoes...I would not have believed it either....we are ready to take that step when we are ready .....and only YOU know when that time has come...the time to take control of YOUR LIFE and to STOP accepting the ABUSE of others....we can change our situations....that doesn't change whom we are....or how others treat us...UNLESS we stand up for ourselves and really really decide to MAKE a change in almost EVERYTHING in our lives....for ourselves...and no that is NOT selfish, it is a necessity..for survival...for a GOOD and DECENT life! Deal with the past..then let it go...move forward and MAKE IT YOUR LIFE....and not what everyone else has made your life...DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO MAKE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU...do it for YOURSELF! YOU CAN....and if you believe in a higher power...what ever that is for you....trust in it....first...cause you have to trust in something...you do not trust yourself....now, but you will as you grow. if you like...I will be here for you and listen to you and support your advancement. GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU! Sha

thank you

yes, sistermarie, I have been there where you can't feel. I bought a book, Feeling Good, by Dr Arron T Beck. And I read, almost childrens books, about feelings. I didn't know what they were. I couldn't distinguish them inside myself. And it took me some time to even find my feelings, they were buried so deep. I think what brought my feelings to the surface is when I started meditating for 20 minutes a day. Then I increased it to 45 minutes a day (one sitting). Years later I read the warning that when you start meditating beware that old feelings will resurface. And I also bought a book about making meditation simple. Back then I searched for books like alot of people seek therapy. And it always seemed I would stumble across the right book at the right time. It is so worthwhile to find your feelings, life is just too confusing without them. take care.

I felt like a zombie while my abuse was going on too hun, and have struggled with it off and on since. If you are not in counsiling, try and find some help. Good luck

I cant feel anything either i guess after one more last abusive relationship i just said to hell with it. I did the co-dependant books. I did counseling. Im on anti-depresants....I still dont feel....so whats next...because im done with trust...im tierd of duality...and every where i look seems no one cares.

oh wow... this is all so familiar

Yes. I am just now learning how to feel again, after many years of numbness. Like you, I suffered one traumatic event after another since childhood. I was abused throughout my childhood and then in 3 back to back abusive relationships. I attract pathological people like moths to a flame. I am an easy victim and have let ppl abuse and take advantage of me my entire life. I have been trying to fix all this for a couple of years. I have started to feel again and it's so crazy now. I cry at so many things, even animated movies! It's weird when you come out of that numbness.

Then also, when you learn how to feel again, you have to learn it all over from scratch... your feelings are like a baby's. and now with me, after my last abusive relationship too, i just dont feel the same either. really sucks for my current BF. he is a nice guy. he stuck by me in the hospital when everyone left. was there for my lonely pregnancy, even though i wouldnt date him then. but when it came down to it. he was my only friend. the only one i could call and talk to, no one else cared anymore, i should be more appreciative, nicer to him, not concerned that he is fat, or finding anything wrong with him my brain can. and i just cant love like i used to. im not sexually attracted to anyone like i could be before. its just a chore, something to be done. like walking to your car to go to work. sometimes i feel horrible. but i cant make myself feel more. its like i have to put myself on a schedule, of what to do each day.
and i try to enjoy my daughter... try so hard. she is so beautiful, and deserves a healthy mommy

wow there are so many of us all the same. I am currently seeing some one new and he is afraid I might become to attatched. He doesnt understand I care for him but my feelings dont run deep and I am not sure they can. I can relate to not giving them your whole heart. How can you give when you suffer from numbness. I have learned to be the happy person everyone expects. no one can really see the inner dead. I guess after so many years of abuse we learn to not feel as a way to survive.

we just dont look at love and happiness the same way as others. with us, love and happiness comes with attatchments or prices, and we choose what price we would pay at those times for our slices of happiness or love. we cant JUST BE happy. we cant just take life as it comes and sit back and relax.

thank you all we are so much alike

I was abused by my parents until I was 17 and and kicked my mother out of the house. I had always taken the abuse believing one should respect their parents but my mother, who has Borderline Personality Disorder, would fly into homicidal rages and do really sadistic things where I am convinced she really wanted me dead. I just knew if I didn't take action my sister and I might die. At that point I didn't care for me at all, I thought I was lost but my sister was 5 and I hated the thought of her not knowing a good life.

I ran into a friend from high school and she said that I was like Eeyore. The comparison was funny but not really because I got what she was saying. She described that I used to have no emotional range at all, no high or low, just a nothingness and that it was scary at times. I hadn't known it was visible, but then I didn't care. I learned from Dialectal Behavior Therapy that because of abuse sometimes not all emotions develop because they aren't nurtured or are counter intuitive to surviving in an crap environment. I know that with me this is true, I often don't quite understand certain emotions and my husbands has to "explain" things to me because my socialization skills are so poor. I also physically have an enormous pain tolerance and don't realize when I've been hurt. This alarms people all the time. Sometimes I miss the physical pain because then the numbness goes away. I've been in alot of bad therapy and only recently found a therapist that has been helpful. It's been very hard, exhausting but I know we can get through, if my body survived the abuse, I am determined my mind will as well and I'll understand peace.