Child Abuse Survivors Community Group
This group's primary focus is physical and/or emotional child abuse: our memories, how it's affected us as adults, how we've survived, etc.
Anyone out there a mother afraid of being a mother?
as my daughter gets older i have a harder time dealing with her, and im afraid that i will become my mom as well, that i will hurt her. lately she bites, hits, and pinches. ive tried every method known to man about getting her to stop, from time outs to putting something yucky in her mouth, when she bites, she bites hard and draws blood from other kids. today she was throwing a fit when i was trying to change her poopy diaper, she was getting crap everywhere, over me, over the couch, kept trying to pinch and bite me, i smacked her pretty hard on her thigh, and told her to stop. it worked, but it scares me, i dont know whats right and whats wrong when it comes to that. i hugged her after and told her that she couldnt be throwing fits and biting me or anyone like that, and that she had to be nice, and that it would make the diaper changing go faster. but its so hard.
im so afraid i hurt her. because of how i grew up, im against spanking for the most part, but ive already done it to her, so im confused and hurt. but i dont know what else to do when she is like that.
as my daughter gets older i have a harder time dealing with her, and im afraid that i will become my mom as well, that i will hurt her. lately she bites, hits, and pinches. ive tried every method known to man about getting her to stop, from time outs to putting something yucky in her mouth, when she bites, she bites hard and draws blood from other kids. today she was throwing a fit when i was trying to change her poopy diaper, she was getting crap everywhere, over me, over the couch, kept trying to pinch and bite me, i smacked her pretty hard on her thigh, and told her to stop. it worked, but it scares me, i dont know whats right and whats wrong when it comes to that. i hugged her after and told her that she couldnt be throwing fits and biting me or anyone like that, and that she had to be nice, and that it would make the diaper changing go faster. but its so hard.
im so afraid i hurt her. because of how i grew up, im against spanking for the most part, but ive already done it to her, so im confused and hurt. but i dont know what else to do when she is like that.
others still use discipline. i know someone who carries around a wooden spoon in her purse. it does work. her kids are extremely well-behaved, even though you rarely see that kind of thing anymore.
they claim karate and pre-ballet and then ballet gives kids self-disapline. i was a big believer in swimming pools and swimming lessons. it tires them out and it seems to calm them down and they end up in terrific shape and it gives them a lifelong sport/skill/therapy.
whatever works for you. if the child is two, "talking" does absolutely nothing. i totally prefer a kid that can speak and reason, and that only happens AFTER the terrible twos are over.
This may be a long post, but try to bear with me. I've reflected on this issue for 2 years. It starts with doing your research with your child's age group and learning about any problems that may come up. Google is your friend- use it! You'll get thousands of answers to your questions and you can choose the one that suits you best. Sink down to the level of your daughter and really understand what's going on. Make the effort that others did not make for you! Be the best parent you can be!
If your daughter is a year old, I can tell you right now that there is a lot of brain development going on as well as teething. Molars are the worst. My husband had a wisdom tooth come in and it nearly crippled him for a month. Imagine what that would feel like for a child who does not understand why she is in pain. For all we know, brain spurts can be equally as painful- maybe she has a migraine. Also add into the mix that your child cannot talk yet, but really wants to. Frustration will cause 99% of the problems you have with your baby girl.
Once you know what is causing your child's outbursts, then you can work on preventing them from happening in the first place. If your child is happy, you are not so stressed out, and everyone else in the house will breathe a sigh of relief. Negativity will feed off of itself and spread throughout an entire household if you let it. Keep one step ahead of the game.
Secondly, you are talking like you do not want to use corporal punishment on your daughter. Just because you have already does not mean its too late to stop. To be quite honest, I hit my daughter once before she was a year old when she was being bad. She shot me a look that reminded me of myself when I was a little girl looking up at my step-father. From that point on, I made the decision. I am NOT going to be him. Hitting is entirely unnecessary with raising a child. There are so many other options to try. This is something you will want to get into your head. This is a well proven fact: every time you raise your hand to your child, you take a risk of losing your temper. Never, ever, ever hit your child when you are frustrated or angry. It sends a very bad message to your child.
For starters, look up the definition of corporal punishment. Its the deliberate infliction of pain as retribution for an offense, or for the purpose of disciplining or reforming a wrongdoer, or to deter attitudes or behavior deemed unacceptable. Imagine yourself in a classroom. How well would you learn if you were hit every time you made a mistake? That is exactly what you are doing to a child when you punish them as such. Grow some patience and show some sympathy. When you feel the old anger rising, step outside for some fresh air and center yourself. Remember your past and ask yourself if you want that for your child. Only when you are calmed down, go back into the fray.
Now imagine a child that thinks with her head. Imagine a two year old that stops and centers herself when she starts to lose her temper because she watches you do it all the time (my daughter is doing this through her terrible twos- its amazing). Imagine a girl that will talk and not yell about her problems. The clawing and hitting stops. In the end, that is what your child will become if you are patient and work out alternatives. Its not a child that is spoiled or undisciplined. In fact, the child will be even better behaved that most. Try to be understanding, as this will not happen overnight. Keep exposing your child to positive behavior and she will pick up on it.
Try and stop thinking with your adult brain and sink down to her way of thinking. She still only understands a few things- eat, sleep, dirty the diaper, play. Anything else is either too boring and way above her head. There is no manipulation in there (but you may think it is, since you are used to it with your adult like experiences). Her body is not mentally developed enough to grasp that concept yet. In other words, when she is attacking you, stop for a moment and try to understand why she is doing it. Yes, there is a reason behind it. Is she tired? Is she hungry? Does she need a diaper change? Is she bored? Is she getting enough attention? Guaranteed, you meet those needs and her behavior will improve. Meet those needs before she has to ask for them and it will get even better. Keeping your environment as peaceful is very important. If you're having trouble with her getting into things she shouldn't be, why not take the incentive and move those things to another room she can't get to? Childproofing is also a huge huge huge help. Out of sight, out of mind, no epic battle with your child, no tears, and mommy is happier for it.
Some bits to read and ponder:
http://www.parentscentre.org.nz/parenting/nohittingplace.asp
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/do-you-hit-your-kids-parents-discipline-2172353/
http://yourparentingsolutions.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/should-I-spank-my-child
http://www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Your-child/-/Child-care/Spanking-%E2%80%93-why-you-should-stop-it-and-how.aspx
You'd be surprised that many people think that hitting is okay because their parents did it to them. It is one of the longest cycles of abuse in existence. Question someone further about it and they can't come up with a further explanation.
Knowledge is the best weapon against this demon.
Daycare is not the best place for a child. You can't just pawn off your child for someone else to raise. By raising a child yourself, you are teaching your child your ideals. You get to use your own creativity. You have a stronger bond with your child because you are there when your baby needs you. Most importantly, you get to smile and laugh at your child when he/she is goofing off. You have no idea how many moments you miss in one day if you've never tried. They are absolutely precious! I wouldn't give them up for anything.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, but it is the most rewarding. Hang in there, Dracona! Please message me if you need someone to talk to.
ive tried googling lots of things, everything actually lol.
my problem with alot of that, is well, its hard to get through all the rubbish. because she just doesnt seem to be responding to those type's of punisments. i got her a time out chair, that basically straps her in, and i set her in a corner for a couple minutes when she is being difficult now. where i can still see her, but she is away from toys and everything, at least not facing the action, but she cant get out. cause just setting her in a chair turned into more of a fight to keep her there, and i dont think she really understood and would forget what got her there in the first place. most the time, she is a good girl. but the diaper thing, more the biting thing, was getting serious. she was really hurting people, and i tried EVERYTHING to get her to stop. it has gone way beyond just biting or pinching. I had to do something to let her know, this is absolutely NOT ok to do. i keep hoping it stops. i try to spend as much time with her as possible.
we play monster around the hosue and i chase her, and let her chase me back and get me. we play the abc game, and hang upside down and get back up before the dog licks you game. we have fun together.
i work nights though, and its hard. and my BF has been her father since she was born, her real father left when i was pregnant and never looked back. but its hard co parenting to, because he lets her watch alot of tv, kids educational shows but still, or he will take the easy road whenever he can most days.
im just so afraid at times that i will be like my mom, and never know it.l ive spent my whole life trying not to be like her. and, when i get in a funk or really depressed, i dont know what to do. and i wish i was better for her. its hard for me to respond to her whining, that whine that isnt quite a cry but sounds like they need you so bad, but there is nothing you can do. like she has to have a bedtime, and naptime, and i cant just let her have whatever she wants. its so hard to deal with that.
Some of the problems you mention are quite common for her age group. For me, diaper changes started being a problem at 10 months and gradually got worse. The main cause of that is that my child does not like being on her back (a lot of other kids have the same problem). Try bending her over your knee to change her or standing up. My daughter only lets me change her on her stomach. Its not about your way or no way. Compromise is the best answer. There are ways you can both be happy, you just have to find what works best for you.
If you find yourself displaying your mother's behavior, why not deliberately act differently so you don't become that person? Such as, if you are having a hard time with her breaking her routine, why not intentionally try to be flexible and be relaxed about it. I used to stress out so much when my daughter didn't go to sleep on time or ate late- the same thing my mother did. Once I caught myself displaying that behavior, I had to catch myself and repeat in my head "Go with the flow. Parenting is about guiding, not controlling," . In my mind, controlling tends to lead to abusive situations. Opening that floodgate is something I so don't want to do with my child. It took some time getting used to, but now I am a much more relaxed mother. Anxiety does not have to rule your life. You may notice that when you loosen up, your child will too.
With pinching and biting, try to be most sincere about it and give your child a look of sorrow anytime she does it. I used to do that and smooth my hand over my daughter's arm (or foot) and say calmly, Ouch. Gentle, please. It takes a long time for that to sink in, but be consistent and your daughter will catch on. If I remember correctly, my daughter had her A-HA moment around 18-19 months (it took her to figure it out, lol). Another tactic to try- turn something negative into something positive. If she is pinching or hitting, tickle her and make her laugh. If she's having a bad day (lots of whining), make it easy for her to do something good just so you can give her positive reinforcement. It could be as simple as handing you something, getting a drink, opening a door, etc. You can scare away the shadows by shining light on them. Positives lead to more positives. It will make your child do good things more often.
You're doing a great job with your daughter! You are unique and far from being the person your mother was! Best of luck!