Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So I have been on DS for a little bit now, not as long as some people but something I am coming to find from a great many many people is that infidelity seems to be the one thing that people get beat up over in a marriage/relationship regardless of factors leading up to the big "A" yes AFFAIR! It seems that as soon as someone has an affair that they are the absolute root of evil in the marriage and the betrayed spouse should just leave them essentially. It does not seem to matter what the betrayed spouse did prior to this, just that the cheater cheated. I have seen so many negative comments towards those who have had affairs in regards to, "there is never any right to do that to someone". Well no there isn't, but there is never any right for the betrayed spouse to beat the crap out of their spouse for years and years either, be it physical, emotional, psychological or whatever. Or, "it was your decision to have an affair". Hell yeah it was, just like it was my decision to stay with my spouse after they threaten my very existence, or threaten to take my kids if I ever left, or to destroy everything I have worked so hard for in life. Or how about the betrayed spouse threatening to commit suicide if you ever left them. All of these are legitimate reasons/choices as to why the "cheater" has stayed in the relationship prior to ever having an affair. Yes you do get the ones that just cheat for the sake of cheating and it would be my hopes that the betrayed would leave BUT that is not very often the case it seems either. Most people get sucked right back in with empty promises/threats. I have absolutely been on both ends in the sense that I have been the betrayed and I have been the cheater, neither position is fun and both create emotional turmoil.
So now turning it to my own personal situation I am the ultimate "bad guy" because I cheated on my spouse. In other words, instead of ending my 12 year relationship(were now at 14 years together) that I had been verbally and psychologically abused and manipulated for a significant number of years, along with threatened various times when I did try to leave I made the "decision" to step out and have an affair with another man. But what do you call it when you have your spouse contacting men and women because they want to "spice things up" in the bedroom and you are absolutely not all for it? They are on multiple dating sites and do not care because as a wife you are supposed to fulfill their sexual needs and this is his sexual need. What about when your spouse sends these people naked pictures of themselves as well as of yourself and you have absolutely not given your permission for this? What do you call it when for years multiple women have joined in the bedroom because no matter how many times you said no the conversation/fight happened so you finally just gave in and did it because you were "fulfilling their fantasies". Just like my affair was 100% morally and ethically wrong, what happened to me for many many years was wrong too. But I am the cheater so that condones his behaviour. I have tried to leave several times, we have spent many months in counselling, I have been made every promise under the sun that he will change his abusive and manipulative ways and yet they're still there. But when I do get the courage to say hey I know this isn't working and I think we need to separate I get guilted into feeling like I am the worst person in the world and it is most definitely held over my head that I had an affair. I am over 2 years past my affair(that was for approximately 3 months before he found out) and although I understand trust is not something that can just happen I really question when or if the day will ever come that I will truly be forgiven and that we will be able to move on from it. I can say I was that spouse that has given over all of my passwords for any and all social media, my cell phone has no password on it, he has access to all of my cell phone records as well to check to see if I am having contact with anyone I should not be and he has even put the location tracking on my phone so he literally knows where I am at any given point in the day. After 2 years of this I am sorry if I feel a little bit jilted because "I was the cheater". I messed up, owned it, dealt with it and still pay for it literally every day of my life but his wrong doings don't matter because I cheated.
For those who read this to the end thank you. I expect it will bring up many different emotions for people but I needed somewhere to vent this and can not do so on paper because he reads everything I write and I am sorry but I am entitled to at least one thing that is private in my life.
Most BS's (not all) think we are narcissistic & selfish. We have no character & lack morals. They need to come off their high horse & look in the mirror. At least the ones on the infidelity forum.
It is hard to have a nuanced discussion of an affair without being accused of not taking responsibility for your actions. However, there is a context for every decision. It is very rare for someone to wake up one day and decide to cheat or to simply lack a conscience altogether. I know what the context was in my situation, and I still own the choice I made. I know how I got there. I wish I had put a stop to it before it started so insidiously. I know what it takes not to get there again.
Some people are bothered by Esther Perel's quote that the victim of an affair is not necessarily the victim in the marriage. I don't think she means the affair is the BS' fault. That would be unfair. I think she means the affair is but one damaging thing that can happen over the course of a marriage and that to heal, sometimes many aspects of the marriage need attention.
Take care of yourself.
Well, all of us who have been there know how it usually goes. You don't see the affair coming until it has snagged you. You probably don't even want a divorce. Maybe you have kids. You don't want to break up your family and have everyone live separately. Maybe that isn't economically feasible. You have years of history with your spouse. Maybe things aren't good, but they once were, and it is possible they will be again. Maybe you don't even believe in divorce. Maybe you are afraid that if you even bring it up at the temptation point, your spouse will divorce you. Maybe your spouse is dangerous.
I wish I had made a different choice. I just don't think filing for divorce instead is it.
I just want to be happy, I want to be treated like an equal and treated like the things I say and do matter. To this day I do not have that with my husband and know I probably never will.
I absolutely agree with you that the quote is not meaning that the BS is directly at fault. I had never actually seen that quote until you wrote it there, definitely something to think about.
Looking back now I can definitely see where things changed and my affair had turned from just a friendship to an affair, at that point though I was blind. I know I will not put myself in that situation again to let an affair happen. But many of the contributing factors to my affair starting are still the same. All of the factors you stated are somewhat relevant in my situation. I don't want to leave because we have kids together, but what am I teaching them by staying in a volatile situation where my husband and I cant even have a discussion without it turning into a fight. For the first 12.5 years of our relationship the only time we didn't both work was when I was on maternity leave after having each of our 3 kids and for about 3/4 of the time he was the one who brought in the biggest part of the income so at the times I felt like I needed to leave I couldn't because I didn't feel like I would survive financially without him. Tables turned this past year and a half and I have been the only one working while he received unemployment pay. He contributed less than 1/4 of his pay to help me with monthly bills and so I know without a doubt now that I can do it on my own, but then I feel guilty because I would be kicking him to the curb without a place to go. I do not believe divorce should happen unless there is absolutely no way of reconciling your differences. I feel like after all that has happened and all of the counselling I have done both personally and as a couple that I have reached the end of my rope. I'm either going to hang myself by the end of that rope and remain miserable in my marriage because he is happy and I feel guilty leaving knowing it is my happiness I am in search for or else I'm going to cut the rope and find myself and my happiness again. The problem is putting myself first because it is something I have not done in a great many years and now when I do put myself first I get guilted about it....