Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

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Why do I still have these feelings?

chpdl
chpdl

Last week, I felt very strong- 5 months after the end of an intense, 3 month affair (mainly emotional with three instances of kissing but nothing else physically), I thought my feelings has returned to “neutral “ towards AP. However, as the school year ends, all kinds of feelings of longing and regret are surging (I won’t see him all summer). I’m really working hard on my marriage, so I thought I’d be excited for summer to get away. However, even though I haven’t talked to AP more than once a week in the last few months, I feel this pain of not being in the same space as him or having the opportunity to bump into him. Again, I am working on my marriage and know being with my AP is the wrong choice. So why these intense feelings all of the sudden after all of this time?

Jfair
Jfair
Because you are still in contact with AP, you haven't gone through the actual withdrawal of no contact. Now that there is no possibility of seeing him, you are feeling the loss. You have some tough weeks/months ahead, but you will survive. I can't really say that it gets better after that, more like a constant roller coaster of relief and regret. Hope it's better for you.
chpdl
chpdl
I had a five minute conversation on Friday. That was bad. I couldn’t resist. I’m hoping to find the strength to resist for the next three days. Because I love my husband and want my marriage to work our. But clearly my feelings for AP are a bit stronger than I thought.
prettyanddumb12
prettyanddumb12
The affair is gripping; and it will continue to be so until you sincerely forsake the drug and person attached to it and put your 100% into your marriage.

My background: I’m a CS and I haven’t given up my AP. It’s going on 5 years and we live hundreds (at times it was thousands) of miles away. I’ve only seen him in person a handful of times and from 2015-2017 we went almost 2 years without any contact. Now we’re having an affair again, though it’s limited in nature. These things don’t shake easily, even if you do go through the withdrawal of no contact.

Hang in there. Hugs to you!
chpdl
chpdl
Thanks for the support. I couldn’t help myself and had a short conversation today. We both expressed appreciation for our former relationship and regret over the crazy year. His marriage is still a disaster. I still feel strongly for him. But I know my marriage is the right choice. Hoping the next 2.5 months help with the healing and I can get over this drug!
alwyslve
alwyslve
I am curious how you have been doing. I thought about your story quite a few times over the past month, since we seem to be not too far off on timing from the end of our affairs.
chpdl
chpdl
Funny you ask...the summer has been great. My feelings for AP have weakened quite a bit. More often when I think of him it’s in a negative light (his marriage was over when he started the flirtation with me so even though I’m excepting my part in everything, I’m trying to reframe him as a manipulator in my mind to help me continue moving on). However, he is a colleague at the school I work at and we start back next week. I am very nervous for what feelings rise up in me, how I will react to AP, and the flashbacks and pain that will start again in my husband. I pretend that I am stronger now then the end of the school year. I pretend I can go back to treating AP as just a work acquaintance (which is really all he was the first 10 years we worked together) but until I get back, I don’t know for sure. I’m just hoping for strength...and understanding from my husband!