The selfish/addicted brain answer:

I did it because I had no control. Once the train had left the station (the moment I met him), there was no way to turn back. I was a victim of the circumstance, robbed of my common sense, logic and ability to see clearly how much I would be hurting other people. I didn't mean for it to happen, I just didn't know how to handle the intensity of my emotions:

The 'I've spent time dissecting the reality' answer:

I did it because I am an addict. I am powerless and weak over the chemical brain response (high) created by the affair. I am my selfish, weak inner child who clicked so well with someone else's selfish, weak inner child and we were selfish assholes together. Our mutual dysfunction felt like love and we ran with it, completely inconsiderate of the feelings of those we claim to love.

My answer lies somewhere between the two.

Here goes. I was in my 50's when I had my 2 1/2 yr A. He was a former co-worker who I had not spoken to for 25 yrs.....enter facebook & new account me looking for "friends". I didn't even think about him until about 3 weeks into fb & then searched & found him. Sent a friendly "hey how have you been" & the rest is history. 2 1/2 yrs later after love bombing me, me being the love of his life, if he couldn't have me he didn't want anyone.....he dumped me for a younger, prettier, thinner woman from LA who I refer to as "Malibu Barbie". It's taken me 5 yrs to get over this assclown. Of course, I'm to blame too for believing his bullshit (I spelled it out bc BS has a different meaning here) & thinking the R was real. It was a fantasy. Boy did I feel stupid!

Now to answer your question. Your H sounds like mine to a point. Ours was a 2nd marriage for both of us, hence all the crap that comes with extended families from blended families. H & I loved each other very much not letting those problems affect our M. Throughout our M we worked our asses off to prepare for a financially sound retirement. That meant relocating for his job with every promotion. I would just get the best paying job I could to help us attain our goal. Also, H had a tendency to make me feel unimportant, like he was better than me, just bc he had the higher paying job. Everything was his way. He'd either demand what he wanted or would manipulate the situation. At some point, we lost that closeness we had early on in our M. About 25 yrs into our M I realized there was never any passion....never that wanting to "jump his bones" feeling when he'd walk into a room. One nite I was watching a movie on tv where a woman about my age was standing in a room. A man entered & immediately rushed to her, their embrace nothing less than full on "I want you now"! It hit me like a brick. I've never had that with H. His idea of passion was to hug me & rub his boner against me as if to say.....I know you want this. And he is a horrible kisser too. I don't remember what I was thinking when I reconnected with my old friend. I know I wasn't thinking about starting anything with him bc I had gained 60 lbs since seeing him last & not having any luck in losing the weight for years, had no reason to think I would then either. Well I did. Within 3 months I had lost 45 lbs & agreed to meet him. He was everything I expected in a lover.....so passionate, so loving, so giving. Never have I had an orgasm with my H. With F I had at least 3 per meeting. And he was the best kisser I ever had too.

So to answer your question (finally!).........A combination of low self esteem caused by my H & his family (I know now it was my own fault I let that happen) & wanting to experience that total overwhelming, consuming passion before I got too old & felt I was too old for it. I chose my old friend bc I thought he was safe, that I wouldn't fall in love. I was only going to see him a few times to quench my lust but it turned into what I confused as love. I don't regret my A. It gave me what I was looking for & more. I regret falling in love with F. And I regret my H knowing but we've never discussed it & never will. I would but I know H would never admit to his A he had 4 yrs before I had mine, part of the reason I fell into a depression & gained weight.

Sorry this is so long. I guess your question triggered me a bit...but in a good way. I know how sad you are & so hope things turn around for you very soon.

I have to tell you if I wrote my dilemma it would be almost exactly what you just wrote!!!! I’m serious! 18.5 year marriage to the best father and husband and friend anyone could ask for. Not perfect like you said but damn close. I feel so selfish. I had an affair through FB messenger with a good friend that lead from simple texting to daily texting to this intense, vulnerable, excited new me that wanted him in the worst ways and we talked about the day we would meet up and planned it. I never thought twice however my husband and I have such an open communication in our marriage it was our strongest quality. I had to tell him we chatted a lot and he was not that assertive as I think He should’ve been with me because he said I wish you wouldn’t talk to him then I actually told him I didn’t know what was happening to me but I told him I was feeling something towards my AP and my hubby said to me all I want for you is to be happy and if you don’t want this life then fine you just have to tell me. I wanted to be married. I subconsciously knew I wanted my AP but I really didn’t think I’d go through with it. My husband and I have two beautiful girls and a great marriage. Stressful because of our one daughter who has some issues. I was married at 21 and he was my first sexual partner. Talking sex. Had boyfriends but never a serious relationship. I couldn’t keep a secret after we kissed and that’s all we did and texted. Made out I should say. My AP right in the beginning of us talking told me he had the biggest crush on me but was so nervous. I think we built each others ego up. It wasn’t Love we just loved each others company and played catch up after 20 years. The attraction was so intense. I told my husband it all. He knows I planned it, remembered that I talked to him that night and how I came home and everything. He didn’t want to divorce although he contemplated and said I love you I can’t and of course I felt the same. So we had therapy and open commmnication and I let him ask me anything and he can check my phone or whatever he wants at anytime. I had to break off contact but didn’t want to. Then tried to make it sound more nice than mean and I still held on to hope but he unfriended me and said I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t want to talk with me and that was in Oct. he contacted me a month ago wanting to know how I was. I didn’t respond my heart sank and I told my husband he did. Again I’m trying to save my marriage. But............ there is not a minute that goes by that I want to talk to my AP. It is such an addiction it’s not even funny. I’m on the verge of contacting him and my husband said if I ever did again and he found out that’s it. I know I cheated because I was bored with the same old lifestyle. I wanted my lifestyle but it was like a break from reality that I didn’t want to stop. My husband needed to be more assertive and be more driven with life and do things for himself instead of all us girls in the family. He never did for him. He needed to take care of himself better and our sex life is great. He is a good lover!!! Really!!! Always has been. He has changed a lot for himself and for us and I have to say why in the hell I do not understand that I still wanna contact my AP SO BAD

^ Because affairs are addictions. They don't care any more about our 'good' lives than alcohol does. Or heroin. They speak to the damaged parts of our psyche that look to burn the whole thing down. Like any drug, they sink into your vulnerabilities and make it impossible to stop thinking about the high or fix. And they're completely destructive.

It takes strength, resolve and some really good therapy to heal the inner wounds that cause you to cheat in the first place. If you're not willing to invest all three, you will end up in an affair again (and again).

I set myself up for an affair by being codependent, so I worked my ass off for everyone else, never got my needs met, and never had real emotional intimacy or felt seen, even in a two decade relationship. Thus, I was walking around with lots of emptiness and resentment over many years, unsure of how to fix it, and kind of resigned to my marriage being a roommate sort of relationship. I also felt the passage of time when I turned 40. That was where my vulnerability resided. I wasn't thinking about cheating, but I was filling my life with things that were not my husband (work, especially).

All it took was meeting the right (or wrong) person who could read me and use my unhappiness as an "in." He was a charming sociopath who reminded me of what it was like to have a spark about life. He was the instigator of the affair, but I went along with it every step of the way. A codependent and a sociopath make a magnetic match. I started to feel deeply responsible for him, and he pressured me to leave with him and reassured me that we were meant to be.

What snapped me out of it was being found out. It was really ugly and shameful, but that isn't what cut the final tie. I saw our affair "relationship" for what it was, including the fact that it was another example of me having a dysfunctional pattern in which I would give myself away and end up drained. It was a magnified version of the pattern in my marriage and previous dating relationships. The problem was me, and if I didn't find a way to fix it, I would never have real intimacy in any relationship and would always give my energy away.

Once the fog lifted, all of the rationalizations that protected me during my affair left. I saw what I had done to everyone I loved, including the kids. I had to deal with my reputation being in shambles. I'm fortunate my H didn't divorce me.

My affair was dependent on the perfect intersection of internal and external factors. I've spent 2.5 years working on this. It will be a lifelong process, but I know I will never cheat again because I see it clearly for what it was. I'll never stand at that intersection again.

My husband and I both have addictive personalities. He has a gambling problem and chose it over sex and intimacy with me. I tried to fix it myself (impossible) and after about a year I was approached by a suitor and exploded with desire and what I now know was revenge. I became addicted to the attention and the fantasy. Eventually I confessed to my husband and we tried to fix things at home, but by that time I was in full blown addiction and selfishness. I was living a double life. He still has a gambling problem in my opinion, but it has abated to a large degree and we now spend more time together and have a sex life, and I am no longer ignored. However I am still a very flawed human being. I still have a problem .... I do NC for months at a time (once almost a year) and then I cave and go back, and in most cases it is only via text but it still counts. No excuses.

Prettyanddumb12's response is very similar to mine.

I just ended my affair, though it took all my strength to do so (I didn't want t0), and it's really painful. I'm mourning. My husband does not know. So at this point I'm trying to take a step back wondering....how did I get into this situation? Why did this happen? What is this experience teaching me?
Unlike you, my marriage was not in a good place. People say their spouses become like roommates...but we were like roommates who never talked, fought a lot, and even stonewalled each other regularly. The intimacy, caring, etc. was nearly non-existant especially after our child was born. So I looked elsewhere for someone to care for me, to love me...I was feeling neglected by my husband and didn't know how to resolve it. Arguments were never resolved, he did not want to go to couples counseling, etc.
I also think I had a midlife crisis and looked ahead thinking, is this it? I'm going to go through life feeling unloved...for the rest of my life? I'm going to get old and less attractive, my body will change, etc. It was ironically through the affair that I started to exercise regularly, care for how I look, and feel confident in myself again. The AP did made me feel attractive, and alive again...and it felt so good. And those feelings are so addictive....
There are all sorts of reasons people have affairs...but it's harder for me to understand someone who is happy and just bored. I felt driven by a disfunctional marriage and a need for real connection.

To me, it's still dumbfounding that I was able to make out with two other guys while in a relationship for 7 years with good sex and occasional adventurous trips. But I guess, since I've been in this relationship since I was 13 years old, I wanted to experience something different. I see my friends having the time of their lives, going on dates, finding whatever they want in the people they meet, and here I am stuck with a jealous man who always accuses me of cheating on him even before these incidents. I guess I just wanted to have fun for a while and be careless, not wanted to miss out on what the world could give, maybe even make myself happier.

I guess bottom line is, we just want to be happier sometimes and the paths that we choose could be really selfish and irrational. But it doesn't mean we are bad people. We broke the rules and hurt ourselves in the process, but we are trying to be better.

As prettyanddumb12 said. I think it's because I get a high off of the affair. I'm an addict and need to stop.