I think your IC will help you navigate this.
I think you are going into IC with clear cut goals and excellent determination.

For me, in IC, we worked on me. I was so lost and confused and so depressed at the time, I wasn't capable of making life changing decisions without outside help. The A and my M became adjunct agendas that tied in with me working on me-if that's makes sense.

I guess in the next few weeks, you should focus on you. Focus on the here and now, day by day or hour by hour.....use this time for mindfulness, awareness.

All your feelings, all millions of them that are flooding your head and ever-changing, are all normal.....there is no right or wrong answer, you took the first step and that was huge!

I agree that I had to work on me first. I couldn't magically want the marriage, and actually, what I needed was to create more space in the marriage to openly and honestly be myself. That's where I am working right now.

Me too. Working on me in IC but we are also doing MC as well. I don't want the mariage right now but I have to give it every chance I can, leaving no stone left unturned before I can make a decision to leave. I have to show myself and him that I am trying. I dont want to divorce but I also dont want to stay in a love-less marriage. I have given myself permission to leave if we can't find that connection again. A part of me wants it and part of me doesn't and is just done. It is so hard.

I think working on "You" will help everything fall in place. Shoretimenow - You really sound like you've been through it all... Are you truly happier now? Staying with H and letting go of AP? How long did it take? ReadLovePray - I'm feeling exactly what you're feeling.

Today I'm having it rough, I want to reach out to exAP. But, I'm not going to. It's amazing how your heart will preside the head to walk away from 80% for 20%. To leave known issues for a different set plus some unknowns.

Chilwill

You are doing the right thing not contacting exAP (emphasis on the "ex") Nothing good will come from it. For now focus on your kids. Be there for them. Trust me exAP does not give a shit about them.

I think it is important to have a clear picture of who you want to be - as a man, a husband, a father.

You didn't want to be a liar, a cheater, or a sneak did you? How did that happen? You need to address these issues in counseling.

Every day do what you need to do to earn back trust from you wife as well as her respect. Show you are a man of honor. Be the father your kids will want to model. They are watching how you treat their mother.

We get so wrapped up in our feelings. Step outside of yourself and ask your W what she needs from you.
Her answer will tell you a lot.

Leave your ex-AP alone! Reconnecting will just cause more damage to everyone involved.

Remind yourself of the good things you do have. Cherish and nurture those things.

I think it is totally understandable to not be ready to put your attention fully to repairing your marriage and agree with others that it's important for you to take care of yourself first. Grieve. Let yourself experience the loss of the partnership you shared with your ex AP. Only once you've healed from that would will you be able to fully determine if you want to repair your marriage. And I think the repair process is a long and difficult one, and only you can decide if it's worthwhile.

I don't think that a lifelong marriage is necessarily some sacred thing that we should all strive to achieve. I think attaining personal fulfillment and happiness is though, and especially if you can do it in a way that doesn't involve hurting other people. And it sounds like you've taken the first step towards that goal and I hope you'll find what it is that will make you complete. You don't have to find that in your marriage - I think you're a better partner for whoever you choose to be with if you can find it within yourself.

Oh my God, can we stop thinking about ourselves and put the focus on our innocent children for once. They really do deserve better.

Sedgwich4914, I'm always focused on the kids, but at the same time I have to work on myself. Why wouldn't I want to better myself? That would also make me a better father.

Taking care of yourself will make you a better father. And I'm sure while you are focusing on individual work you're not just ignoring your kids!

Kids deserve our love and attention. They deserve to grow up in a home where they are safe and loved and supported. That home can be two homes of divorced parents, or in your case a home where the parents are trying to repair their marriage.

I agree with this. It has become clear to me that at least one of my kids is enmeshed with me and carries much shame and self-loathing because of my inadvertent actions (years of depression and resentment that I did not think he could see). Getting myself healthy makes me a better parent.

Chillwill, from your open thread, it sounds like you went back to your marriage not because you realized you love your wife, but because you did not want to continue hurting both your wife and your AP. Honestly, if you really in your heart realize you rather be with your affair partner, this is who you should be with. your wife desserves a man who will treasure her and love only her. not someone who is sharing his life with her wishing it were someone else instead. be honest with your wife, give her the chance to be free and find a partner who has similar values to her. if your post had stated that you realized you actually love your wife, and that is the reason you ended the affair, my advice would be different. in your situation, however, it seems as though you are just in the marriage for convenience. sure, it will be difficult, the children will suffer, but no woman deserves to be with a man who is pining for another. you are leading your wife on if you dont truly love her. i am sure she has a lot going for her, trust me when i tell you there are plenty of single, faithfull men out there who would be very happy to have an honest woman in thei lives.

That may be true but I don't know. Maybe I love her maybe I don't. I don't know what love is to me but I can recognize lust and infatuation. Yes, I do miss my AP, and many of us do, but I'm not about to jump ship without giving my marriage a chance. I can't take regrets with me if or when I end this marriage. I'd rather be able to tell my kids that I tried versus I quit. Yes, my wife and I made some mistakes but majority of the problem was me. Being passive and a people pleaser didn't help at all.

then at least be honest with your wife about where you are at. let her know that you youself dont know if you love her or not. ask her if she is willing to work on the marriage knowing this. she may not even want to stay married to you knowing that simple truth. give her the choices you robbed her off when you unilaterally chose to have the affair. part of working on you involves being honest and just if you want to be such. Also, if your wife wishes to work on the marriage, realize that if you truly wish to be with her and stay married, that you should never ever have any type of contact with your AP.
i truly believe that if a person does not know what they want, they do not currently value what they have.
i stick to my original post, that if you truly do not know if you love your wife or dont, you are just wasting her time. she deserves better, to be able to move on with a man who is sure he wants her. in order to truly work on the marriage you have to actually want the wife and the marriage.