Because trust is earned and she had such an intense cheating spree, I think it is normal that you don't trust her again - at least not yet.

All my BS wanted from me was to cut contact with my AP. To prove it, I allow him access to my phone, but I don't think that is the main thing building trust between us. I don't even think he is looking at it. I think it is more that we are having open conversations about what happened in our marriage and how we would like our marriage to be different than it was even before my affair. I am also completely honest when my former AP attempts contact because I feel it is part of being allied in a marriage. I could easily not tell him and he would probably never know, but then I would be allied with my AP again.

It sounds trite to say you should trust your own gut, but I think you should when it comes to your wife. Is she actively improving her mental health and your relationship? Those are the most positive signs.

On the other hand, I think a marriage returning to shaky status quo after an affair is a negative sign. If you both don't want to build something better, what's to stop another disaster from happening? I think this is especially true long after an affair, beyond the initial shock and despair and just getting by.

2 years later... i still check her phone...i have her email passwords and can check her accounts...i can track her location via gps on her smart phone.... she doesn't go out w any of her friends except very rarely...and i check friends fb to see if they are were she said they are...and everything checks out.... i really dont have any reason to not trust , other then the lies and deceit during her 15 months of affairs more then 2 years ago

is it my gut?
it is my heart?
is it my brain?

I'm fearful....im scared of trusting..scared of being vulnerable....its far less scary for me, when i retreat into my place of withdrawal..because if i dont let anyone in, then no-one can ever hurt me again

we both agree that the current state of our marriage 24 months after DDAY and NC and more therapy then you can count, is pretty much in a worse place then it was before she started the affairs.

live like roommates
no intimacy
no i love yous ( none from me...she used to tell me this, but stopped a few weeks ago)
no sex for the last 2 or so months (prior to the affairs, we had intercouse 5 times in 5 years.... it wasn't a stretch for me to feel pushed aside .....)
we will occaisonally hold hands if we are out w the kids.... and very occasionally will spoon or cuddle in bed, but i feel my body tense and know that i am intentionally holding myself back from slipping into a feeling of comfort.

It doesn't sound to me like your marriage will succeed like this.

There's no magical pill you can take to put it all behind you; and it affects each person differently. I think if you guys continue not to let each other into your respective emotional safe spaces then you're just inching towards divorce.

A's can strengthen or kill marriages.. I've seen it go both ways. I'm hoping for peace and happiness for your family.

It's been 2 years. If you haven't already, try a legal separation. Otherwise, you'll both go crazy. Good luck.

If this is the way you obsess over other aspects of your life, this could be one of the reasons she flipped out & did what she did. It's not an excuse. It was her decision to have these A's.

You know....I kinda have to agree with my friends here ^.
I think after two full years, two full years, you are still staying stuck and subsequently practicing your own counterproductive behaviors despite counseling, it may be time to step out of your comfort zone and do something different.
I'm not sure what that would like for you both-separation, divorce?
Not all marriages are meant to last forever and that is ok.
Things happen in all our lives that sometimes just can't be fixed. people change, feelings change.
But, we do all deserve to be happy and have joy in our life. Life is just entirely too short, entirely too short, to live in misery, uncertainty, and stress. Sometimes we have to close that chapter and turn the page. If we don't keep moving on in life, we will miss out on all the gifts out there for each of us.

I am sort of in a similar place. I was the CS. I had an A that lasted a year. It's been 2 years since DDay and while things have gotten better, some have not. Here is what I have found/experience and maybe this will help you.

1. the most valuable thing you can bring to the table is authenticity and honesty

This means, being you for yourself and for your partner. You don't need to articulate your needs so eloquently, you only need to share them and figure them out as you go. No matter what your need is, what you need most is to express those needs. NO SHAME in that.

2. Trust is not the same as love. Trust is never free. It sounds like your W is open about letting you check up on her. This is a good sign, but trust is more than just giving you all her passwords and letting you track her. What trust looks like in my M is me being honest even if what I have to say is not pretty (I try to be kind, but I am always honest). For me, it is being honest in all my dealings with everyone that I engage with. It is doing the things that honest people do (and that is different for everyone). For our M, I have tried to let my W know that she is married to an honest man not only when she is around and not only in regards to relationships.

3. She still does not trust me like I wish she would. I am ok with this. She may never trust me the way she use to. I don't blame her if that is the case. I love her and will find a way. I know that I caused her to not trust me.

4. We have not had sex in 2 years (since DDay). Some of the issues predate me. Some are hers and hers alone. I won't try to solve those.

5. We are a lot like room mates, but I am honest and open about how it hurts and makes me sad that we are so. She is aware of it and I do not sugar coat it. I do not let those issues become an elephant in the room. They will not become another excuse for me to stray.

6. At some point you have to decide to trust though. Shore is right. Not trusting is safe and easy. Step out of your confort zone.

I agree ^

I think you also have to decide what your end game is. Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10 years....living like this?
None of us are martyrs.
Personally, unlike JuanWilliam, I could not live as roommates or not having sex for two years. For me, they would be deal breakers.
If anything those behaviors did bring me to affairs. But ultimately I have to come to a conclusion that life is too short and what exactly is it I need to make myself feel complete. No one else, not even a spouse, can complete you.....compliment you, yes.....but not complete you. So I need to take my life in my own hands and make my own choices.