Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I have a child with the OM and my H knows everything. the OM lives out of state and comes to visit his child for one week around every two months where I drop him off at his hotel where his parents and him are staying in the same room. His parents are with us the whole time during the drop off. My H gets so upset with me if I stay long at all to talk and visit with the OM and his family. He gets so mad during that week of visits with me for everything I do is wrong during this week. I know i should be thankful that he has forgave me for what I do to him and our own family. And that he has helped raise my son. But why should I know be able to conversate with the OM family and share stories of what their grandchild has done in the few months that they do not see him. Why do we have to fight so much during this week? He says that I have never treated him or the son we have together with respect that I have been selfish. And I know that what I did was so wrong and I was being selfish. But why should I feel bad about just being nice to my childs family. It is not like I am having sex with the OM while his parents and our child are in the same room. I know i broke all trust with my h but I basically gave up all my freedom to show him that I am doing nothing wrong now. I used to have a job that I had to travel for I quit that job for my H and started working in his same office. We car pool together except for the week that I have to drop off my son. I have no friends anymore I don't talk to anyone about him. I save all my emails that me and the OM have about our son. I don't go out with at all unless it is with my H. I know that my H even looks at my phone and it does not bother me. I know he has the right to be mad at me but I should not want to just kill myself over this week. Or just hand my son over to the OM so my H will be happy. I feel like a bad mother to both of my children for having those thoughts but it gets so unbareable at times I feel like those two options are the only way. Please help me through this daily strength.
Your H will have to accept communication between you and your child's father. I would insist on updates to either your child's father, or his parents. And I would offer to copy your H on all emails. I would further insist that any replies be copied to your H as well. If your H is unwilling to agree, I would insist on MC. If still unwilling, I would consult an attorney for options for a D. As far as the week long visitation, invite your H to be a part of. He is the step-father. If he is uncomfortable, that's fine. But you must keep the needs of the child in mind. You must also keep your H comfort level in mind. There must be some room for compromise.
D is not ideal, but quite sure it is preferable to suicide.
Understand that this might all be too much for your H and he might choose D. He is certainly entitled as this is more than most could handle.
There is a BS (I want to say Pinkpony, but not sure) who's H fathered a child with his former AP, and they have stayed M and the child is a part of their lives. She would probably be a great resource.
Secondly, it is not necessary to converse long about the child when dropping him off. Anything of monumental importance can be sent via e-mail I would think. My sister was divorced and her ex-H had threatened her, so she never went to drop off the kids to him. Other relatives dropped them off instead, no long conversations about anything, and everything was fine--nobody suffered from a brief exchange when dropping off the kids. Perhaps you could try to be more brief when dropping them off, since your H is already dealing with a lot and this seems to be adding more to the pile. I know you want to be nice to that family, but you need to think about whether being nice to them should be at the expense of your H's feelings. Sometimes compromises have to be made, and this sounds like one of those times. Chances are that your H will treat you better once he is seeing that you respect his feelings.
I agree with Wresting, that children that are the products of A's do have a predisposition to feel shamed.
I think instead of looking at how you are feeling, how your OM or H are feeling, I think you need to look at the best interest of the child here as hard as it is.
Children learn what they live. Its important for children to see that their parents have a working relationship - that they don't solely communicate via email regarding them ( like they are a business arrangement), that they can't be civil when dropping off. What happens if your son gets sick or chronically ill? You need to both be engaged fully in his care and if you and the OM have chosen to have him involved in the child's life and be part of it, then you need to do that fully and not half way. For the childs sake you do need to form a working relationship with his father and as difficult as it is, step outside of your own pain. Its so important for children to see that their parents can be friendly, civil, caring to each other as it is a direct reflection on their self esteem.
I also agree that I think that this is too complicated to navigate yourself, I would insist on counseling. I'm not sure there is a simple way to overcome all the nuances of this on your own and work toward the future without it and also how to explain the situation to the child as they grow. Frankly, it would be ideal if all of you could go.
Your husband must be going through his own personal torment also. I know I would be. God Bless him. I'm not sure how much time has passed, but I'm not sure I'd want to go to visit the OM either. I'm not sure I'd even stick around. If your heart doesn't beat for him, you'd be doing him best by letting him go. I think its fair to say the vast majority of human beings wouldn't raise our spouse's OC without being completely assured our spouse only loved us and wanted to be with only us. IMHO.
I hope PinkPony sees this. I believe she can direct you to a few resources and also provide awareness of what she has experienced by being in a similar situation. It is a workable situation.
I (and your husband) are the rare ones. Although all of the people in this situation I communicate with through the boards are the wives. Very few have any contact at all with the oc. In fact many husband's gave up seeing their child to stay in their marriage.
I never felt it was my right to ask my husband to make that choice. I needed to figure out how (or even IF) I could handle having oc in my life. It was a very very slow process. Keep in mind oc was turning 7 when hubby fessed up about the A that was over once OW got pregnant.
It took me weeks to even ask his name. A few months to see a picture and 6 months to meet him. Hubby and I were living separately but attempting rebuild during all of this. It was almost 2 years from dday before I could have oc sleep over my home. That was 5 months after hubby moved back home. We actually kept our rental home (the one my H lived in during separation) vacant so most visits could take place there.
When I tell my story to those on spoouses with oc forum people can't understand how much I have incorporated the oc into our lives. He is nowa regular here on the weekends and it's been 5.5 years since dday.
All of that said, my H has minimal contact with OW. He doesn't need to have lengthy conversations about anything. It's completely unnecessary to sit and chat. All of these years later and yes if he sat chatting it up in a hotel room with ow and her family about their child , it would cause great pain.
You made a choice to stay in your marriage. Respect that and respect his acceptance of your child. If your husband is there for you and your son In every other way and he asks that you make your do offs quick and uneventful then do that. Bite the bullet on this one. Anything important can be said in under 5 minutes. Any cute "oh guess what little Johnny did" can be done matter of fact , in the emails toy exchange.
Im just letting you know that the painof the oc is nothing compared to the fact that there is a required contact with ow for me. It even stirs up pain when she calls him while he's here. Please if you really want to show your H you live and respect him, honor his wishes with this.
You may want to browse that page.
It is easy to feel that an AP is superior in many ways to a spouse, and it is easy to feel more attracted to them than you do your spouse. But affairs are sort of like a fantasy world--all fun and happiness without responsibilities and troubles. In an A, you are not living with the AP in reality--the day to day routine and drudgery and problems that exist within any marriage.
As for your heart ruling over your head, yes it is good to think about your kids, but it also good to think about reality and real life.