ok im a bs and when i found out i was so angry i could have tore a house down bare handed but the thought of putting my hands on my wife never crossed my mind. a man that hits a woman is a coward in my opinion. the best thing i think u could do is get out before something really bad happens.

I truly appreciate all of the advice and will follow up on the Women's Shelter as well as the book. We have been seeking counseling, but with us being from such a small area, everyone knows and it's hard to get that neutral advice when he, his family and even my family has disclosed all the aspects of my affair. I'm really trying to work on m marriage and stay away from the other man. This was one of the reasons why it made it so easy to cheat because I had someone to go to.

I have another small problem that I need help with. Ever since my husband found out I cheated on him he checks my emails, phone logs EVERYTHING and I don't mind too much because I'm trying to show him that I have nothing to hide. Well, since I joined this group I changed the password to one of my email address and didn't tell him, because I knew he would be highly upset with me. I wrote something on my laptop just getting my feelings out on paper and he was highly upset. Anyway I don't want to give him the password because he will freak.
What do I do? Do I give him the password and let him freak or don't and he still freaks?

If you are theoretically being transparent about your emails, facebook, etc., then changing the password on an account is not a good idea. It will just make him feel you are withholding stuff from him. If you really need a place to write down and organize your thoughts, either do it here on DS in your journal or else set up a completely new email account with a different provider. Of course, if you do that, you are honor-bound not to use it to contact the OM or indulge in other bad behavior. Unless you leave your H, which I feel would probably be the best thing to do in your situation. Doesn't sound like you really love him enough to go through the rest of your life with him, particularly when he will probably continue to guilt-trip and abuse you.

Shattered, if he really needs to see what you are posting here have him create his own account. Then he ca readcall of your posts and he can get some support and neutral input for himself. The beauty is that no ine here knows either of you so it is neutral.

As far as your journal goes, since private entries can't be used as any kind of contact with your affair partner, that much should belong only to you. It's a safe place for you to sort out your thoughts for yourself. Everthing else you write here would then be available to your husband (you'd need to 'friend' him) without him needing your password.

If he has a problem with you being here altogether then there's a bigger issue of isolation from support. Then that comes back to being abusive.

Gabrielle, who posted earlier, has her husband posting here, and there are other couples as well who have used this site together as part of their rebuilding.

Gabi, how did you and Cole handle your password here?

chao, thanks for weighing in :) Your perspective is really important on this one.

your husband doesnt want you, he makes you miserable... even without the guy, seriously just dump him geez

Fiber made some really good points! I have a book called Why Does He Do That: Inside The MInds Of Angry And Controlling Men. It is by Lundy Bancroft. He has been working with abusive so-called "men" for twenty years, and is very well known. And even though my X never harmed me physically, the emotional and sexual abuse were devastating to me.

I am begging you to get out now!

I agree with you fiber, Chao's words really meant a lot. I also want to thank everyone for weighing on my situation. A special thanks to tantric, gabbi, eva and mostly importantly to you fiber. I always felt alone because I am one to bottle up all my feeling and throw them into the sea of forgetfulness, however I never realized that the waves come the bring the bottle back with more force than when I thought I got rid of it. My mother always told me when you could forgive your husband the world cant, so I always adopted the keep my feelings and thoughts to my self attitude.

I no longer have to worry about my husband viewing my posts, because he was able to and has made the decision to end the marriage on the grounds that he no longer wants me to feel afraid of him. He isn't all bad I just think after all that I had put him through he didn't know how to handle it and sadly it ended up violently. My hubby, well soon to be ex (deep breath) is a guy that despite his flaws truly cared about my well being, like when I walked to and fro school he would stay on the line with me until I got home, filled out all my scholarship applications and everything else, but he didn't deserve it because he was a great provider.

I do love him and I have for the past 12years that I have known him. He might be a overbearing, over protective and a little aggressive in getting his point across but he is a great guy, a teddy bear so to say that just needed grooming. I haven't stop crying because this was all because I cheated. I just had to ignore the fact that he was a good provider and great support and concentrate on the emotional voids that seemed to have no resolution in sight.

Pooks I hope you read this. I want to apologize for everything that I have done to you. I'm truly sorry from the depths of my soul and pray god continues to order your steps. Again I'm sorry.

As, for me I still need to work on why I find the need to seek outside my relationship when things aren't going the way I want it to be.

Thank you everyone and Pooks sorry.

I have to say, from my perspective, all that's going on is not just because you cheated. That, as others have pointed out, is separate from another issue. When you say he is "overbearing, over protective and a little aggressive in getting his point across" that tells me something about the condition of your marriage and the potential for real intimacy, regardless of your cheating.

Overbearing, overprotective, and aggressive are all red flags that reveal a controlling abuser.

He will say he's ending this because he doesn't want you to be afraid. In reality, he is ending it before you can beat him to the punch because that keeps him in control. When the reality hits and you are begging him to stay, again he will be in control. And if he does stay it will be on his terms because he got you to beg. He was going to be controlling and abusive whether you cheated or not.

Hello everyone! Im the husband! I was kinda mad when my wife told me she joined this group because im a private type of person. But now I see why i didnt want her on here. People are making all kinds of judgement of me and dont know the FULL facts nor do they know me as a person. Its distasteful that persons would say something negative about another person and not check the facts. I am not and i repeat i am not an abusive person. I was caught in a difficult situation and reacted the wrong way. I was never raised to be violent nor disrespectful. I was taught to love God, work hard, respect others and provide for my family. Everyone in here has something negative to say about me and did not get the full story. I love my wife and was attracted to her from she was 15. When all the guys she has dated used and mistreated her I was always there to help her so no one should pass judgement on me without getting to know me.

As for control - I dont need to control my wife because it was me that encouraged her to further her education. When she is done she will most likely earn more than me. So wrong assumption buddy! It really hurt me to see how she felt. And if being seperated for me is what she needs to get her EVERYTHING right then i am prepared. Like my earlier post - yal dont know me but passing judgement.

Did u put ur hands on her? If so that's abusive.I never once thought of hitting my wife. She was scared to death that I would but I didn't. There is no reason in my opinion to hit a woman.

What Fiber said, Chao! Nice to hear from a BS who is being supportive!

You are clearly a very controlling type. And thinking you have the right to control anyone is wrong. My future X is a very controlling type who has done everything to me, EXCEPT HIT ME! If she is telling the truth about you, you are an abuser aka "I have the right to control, because..."

And the things that you are saying to us show how very controlling you are. You hit her. That is abuse.