Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

943 Members

4,471 Posts

0 Online

kittykatbella 12/29/2014

How do you stop (involuntary, almost) comparisons b/w your spouse and AP? Sometimes it's stuff like, "AP would like this place a lot; H would never go there." Sometimes it's physical attributes. I get that I am comparing someone I feel lust/limerance for (who may oy have shared his good side in our texts/emails) with someone who I love on a completely different scale (who is a really great spouse and father, but can also push my buttons like no other). H and AP are so different and AP's lifestyle *seems* (again, who know bc all I have to go on are our convos, emails and texts) more in line with my core than what I'm living now.

I don't want to have these thoughts-- but they pop up from time to time. Do you find they fade with time-- maybe you think less and less about your AP? I'm only 12 days NC so he's kind of on my mind a lot.

Thanks in advance for your replies!

kittykatbella 12/29/2014

That should read "who may *only* have shared..."

goodgrlconfuzed 12/30/2014

I make comparisons all the time. My H certainly pushes my buttons and is emotionally abusive toward me. I'm going on my 2nd round of IC in the last 3 years. But now my therapist will need to help me deal with a new issue: another man I am completely falling for.

OM is the complete opposite of my H. He is vibrant, ambitious, friendly, compassionate, and really sweet. He's very similar in personality to me. I'm trying to recall my H being any of those things. I was in the camp of "opposites attract" when it came to my H.

I'm not sure how to go about stopping my thoughts of OM. My thoughts of him are growing stronger every day...and I welcome the mental escape from my current reality.

shoretimenow 12/31/2014

Please try to remember many times these OM are only putting on the face they want you to see. Living with them may be a whole different ball game. In fairness, my OM only saw me when I looked me best and I was on my best sexiest behavior.
The thoughts will dissipate. I wish I could tell you they go away. My A has been over 11 months now and when he contacts me. (He just did this past week), it brings the memories all back. NC is really best. Somethings that helped me was whenever I thought of OM...I actually thought of my H instead....something positive.....focus on FC (full contact) with the right person instead of putting your focus on NC with the wrong person.
And give yourself time....be kind to yourself. It takes time.

sam2014 01/10/2015

I barely think about my H. It got so bad that I would share things about my kids (things they would do or say) with OM and not H. Now that is ridiculous.

CloverMoon 01/11/2015

#1. PLEASE - NO BS COMMENTS TO THIS POST. It's funny how when I was in the A I would compare OM with H where OM came out in a better light (nicer, more in common, better sex, intimacy, better fix-it guy around the house). Now since we've reconnected after a year breakup (phone & email only), it seems H is the better person all the way around.

CloverMoon 01/11/2015

PLEASE NO BS COMMENTS TO THIS POST. I think we make OM the men we want them to be...in our minds. One of the reasons I'm so sad about the A these days is bc OM isn't the man I made him out to be. Sometimes reality sucks but sometimes it's a blessing.

CloverMoon 01/11/2015

And just for the record, I shouldn't have to request NO BS COMMENTS TO THIS POST. This is a CS site!

Join the Conversation