I am a new poster here, but I have been coming to this group for some months and finding some solace through reading previous posts.  

I am a CS and my husband discovered my affair in the nearly worst possible way (reading tidbits of months of intimate messages with my AP) a few months ago.  Despite that, and despite a life-shattering few weeks that followed that, we are and remain committed to starting our marriage anew and hopefully not letting my affair break us and what we can create together, for us and for our children.  We recognize all the pain and silent suffering we were enduring in our decade plus marriage prior to my affair, and we are working through that, too. I know it will not be perfect or easy, but I have high hopes for us.  

I just had another set back today, when what I thought was a small detail, happened to come out and be questioned.  It was a big hit for him, another reminder of the deceit, and another question for him about "who were you" and "who are you now?" and I cried hard from the shame and the sadness at hurting him through the affair.  He thinks I don't want to share the details, all the details, because it would hurt me.  That is partially true, but I don't want to share all of it because mostly it is because those details are irrelvant, they are all part of the overall deceit and the details don't add more information just more pain and stab wounds.  He struggles to understand, but his counselor, our counselor, his friends (those that know), all tell him that he will likely never understand and even that much of it isn't logical and doesn't make sense.  But he knows me to be a logical person,(and a very detailed, meticulous person) and I think that drives his seeking to understand, as well.  But the truth is that this affair didn't make sense, in so many ways, to me, and in fact, that it didn't make sense is why it did make sense.  Confusing?  Yes, but it was because I really felt that the affair was driven by something bigger than myself, and it was something I needed to learn more about my sexuality, my needs, and to move past my past hangups. That my heart was so moved to engage in the affair despite my larger sensibilities on multiple levels saying it made no sense, made me conclude that it was something bigger than me, something spiritual or universe-driven?  (maybe that is the story many CS' tell themselves or experience? but as a logic driven person, it tapped my deeply emotional side in a new, overwhelming way perhaps, and maybe that surprised me). 

    It is weird, the pain and suffering from the deceit and betrayal are awful, and the shame from that and from my ability to decide to do that made me a "worse person" but what I learned from/through the affair and how it helped me grow has made me a better wife and person in other ways.   That seeming juxtaposition of contradiction is such a challenge to contemplate, understand, and accept.  And as my husband says and struggles with "there is no justification for chosing to engage in an affair."   And he's pretty much right.   So, I struggle. with myself and with him sometimes. 

To be completely clear, after the initial confusion of discovery and dramatic shift in my situation faded, I became fully committed to no contact with my AP.  I have been largely successful with that for some months now, and I trust that my AP is firmly committed to the same we can easily avoid each other, but could just as easily "bump into" each other if we really wanted to.  I do not want any contact with him and I hope to maintain that separation and distance entirely so I can focus on what is most important in my life.  I am hoping that this group will help me with some support, and give me a place to "talk" and get input on this journey as I deal with these challenges and maintaining emotional and mental stability, post-affair.  Thanks.