I think it depends on a lot of different factors; how long the affair was, feelings for the person you had the affair with, reasons for starting and ending it, etc. I had an affair once. I will always be ashamed of it but I've also come to terms with it. I ended my affair and recommitted to my partner; however, things were never the same and it ultimately didn't end up working out. In fact, I think both of us ended up hurting more in the long run. In hindsight, I wish I had never had the affair (obviously) but I also wish that my partner and I had ended our relationship at that point. It would have probably been better for everyone involved. I'm not saying that a relationship can't be repaired, I believe it can happen, but this was my experience. We tried really hard and we had some success but after two years of trying, it ended badly. He never trusted me, I didn't trust him, there was a lot of blame thrown around. I guess neither one of us were capable of letting it go. It wasn't all bad, we had some success, it just never seemed to last for long periods of time. I admire people that can recover from infidelity and I sincerely wish you the best. If it is meant to be, it will be.

I think that sahasue is right. it's all so very relative. For me, I knew that my marriage was over the minute it was all coming forth into the light. I wanted to rebuild myself and my marriage and not just salvage it. I sometimes feel that we are in the same place as before, but others I feel that there has been real progress. I like something that Esther Perel said about infidelity.

Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?
You will be rebuilding a new life after an affair; the question becomes, will you be doing it together as a couple, or on your own?

When I feel that real progress is being made I can link it directly to how I have changed. I am honest, not just about what I say, and do, but also about what I need and want. I am highly sexual and when I was ashamed of it in the past I am not anymore. Its still difficult to say to my wife that I want sex not just as this thing that I want because I am a guy and want to get off, but becuase its this other thing that is an important part of me finding joy in life.

Hope that helps. good luck.

We are in a totally different place than we were a year or two ago, but I suspect it will be 5 more until I know if we have truly crushed it.

We are long past the shock of two years ago, but the harder part is not slipping back into old relationship habits. I pretended I was OK for years even though I felt emotionally hung out to dry. There is no way I will have another affair, but I want to make my marriage more authentic than it ever was. Maybe that is a lifelong process.

A long life process indeed. Its a cliché, but honest communication is the key in my opinion. Not just honesty about what we do, where we go or who we talk to. But honest about who we are. Messy, filthy even, broken, ugly at times, real human beings with real needs.

"I need more sex"
"I want more help"
"I think you could use more/less __(blank)__"
"I feel alone"
"I want to feel loved"
"I sometimes think about another life"

Maybe not in those specific words, but I hope you understand. This is what its been for me.

Over 2 years post affair, my marriage is stronger than ever.
Please know, it's taken a hell of a lot of work and commitment, but it's what we both chose.

Thank you for all your responses.

gravinggirl, I understand the feeling of not wanting to slip back into relationship habits. I didn't even make it two years before I had reached my emotional limit. I don't like that about myself, and I know I will never have another affair.

juanwilliam, I think you really hit on the important part of all this: being honest about who I am. It's so difficult for me. I want to paint a pretty outward image, and I even want to believe it's who I am. But I can't say with certainty that I won't always be a broken piece of shit. I don't like when my honesty hurts my husband, either. It's like punishment over and over. I do deserve punishment for what I did, but then having to be honest and feeling punished for that is like a whole different layer. For clarity: punishment for me is seeing/hearing/feeling how hurt my husband is by who I am or the feelings I have. Does that make any sense?

The truth of who you are is inescapable, even though you can project a nicer façade. It will still eat you up from the inside.

The opportunity of having the façade ripped down after D-day is that you are left with nothing to hide behind and have to make a choice to start over one way or another.

You can use all your energy to rebuild the façade and then sustain it. (Which is fueled by external sources such as affairs and other poor coping strategies)

The best way to is spend all your energy on self reflection, healing your spouse, and building character. There is no energy required to sustain self worth if you are an authentic person with good character. Who you are is what people will see.