Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Jeanettecin-
I want to thank you for your help and responses that we started to address in Cindy's "Contact" thread. . I appreciate you sharing your story as im sure its not easy to drudge it up. Yes i have been working on figuring out why i went and had an A. Ive never cheated before and was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Let me preface my response with the fact that i know i did wrong. It was not the way i should have handled things. But here goes.
I've been M for 17 yrs. we were 25 when we got M (H was 26). We've both been old fashioned, Italians. I played the role of the doting W who would do anything for her H. Daily household things, etc. We always wanted children and ran into yrs of problems trying to have them. Doing things for my H filled that void for me bc i wanted so badly to be a mom. At 34, our first child comes. I did everything. He never held or changed a diaper bc his dad never did - that was a moms job - i never complained bc i finally became a mom and loved every minute of it. He was at a decent job and the company i worked for let me stop to p/t. When our child started preschool i resumed my f/ t position. Fast forward to 3 yrs ago when our 2nd child comes along and my H is in a poor job not making much causing him to be depressed. I urged him to go for help but he never did. So i picked up the slack, took on side jobs in addition to my f/t job and running the house and being a room mom at school, and taking care of our children - shopping, cooking all meals because our eldest has multiple life threatening food allergies and can only eat things i make her. While im juggling All of our responsibilities, he would simply go to work, come home, and sleep. Would not do anything to help out, or interact with the kids, and it was starting to take its toll on me physically an mentally. Im 42 and obviously dont have the stamina to keep up this pace like a 20 or even 30 yr old can.
Sept 2010, OM moves to the neighborhood, we run into each other at school, and start chatting. We had known each other over 10 yrs ago. Met on the train traveling to work ( im still at my same company but work from home for them now). Nothing ever happened back then btwn us. I was M like 7 yrs at the time, he was only dating the woman who is now his W. i got a bad vibe from him back then. Felt he was a player and a talker. Would bad mouth his gf. Eventually they had a child. We lost touch a yr later when i stopped traveling. So when we met up again he asked to exchange numbers and we started chatting. He told me he had M his gf because they had gotten pregnant. He said they argued alot over the yrs and things weren't that great. He became friendly w my H because of the fathers club at school. I told my H about him. He knew we knew each other yrs ago bc i had done some work for him - im a designer. Everything was out in the open.
We wld talk about our families, and it was comforting to talk to someone who wasnt always so down and depressed (like my H had become) i grew more and more resentful towards H bc i kept taking on more and more and he would not do anything to help himself. I kept trying to get him to go for IC, bought books on self help, suggesting he change careers, etc. H did nothing to help himself. He grew more jealous of me that my career was taking off. Im now w my company 15 yrs. he's never been w a job for more than 2. I've never thrown it in his face. I've always stood by him and have been supportive.
However, i was exhausted, getting more and more resentful and OM wld recognize how much i did, and it was comforting and nice to be noticed. He kept pushing and pursuing for me to "do what i want" " i deserve happiness if H is going to be a prick and not help me or himself". Little by little, our friendship grew closer bc we would commiserate with each other. He said he M his gf bc they got pregnant and his father was absentee and he didnt want to be that way with his child. He was very hands on dad and i envied that. It took 4 months before things became physical. I would cry and tell him i couldn't break my vows, this is wrong, etc. and yet i did break down and have the A. The distance btwn my H and I grew bc I lost respect for my H (and myself as well) bc he was not stepping up to the plate even though i talked to him numerous times about it. But the kids needed more and more of my attention, and i was doing everything by myself so i just couldn't dote on my H anymore. Then he became mad at me for putting our children's needs first and not doing all the things i used to do for him. We began to argue bc he was being selfish and childish. And it bothered me that i was losing a partner as he was becoming more and more needy bc he was depressed and sulking and yet not doing anything to help himself. Perhaps the A started out wrong where we were escaping our problems at home. But we fell in love (i know about the fog, but my feelings were real for whatever thats worth). OM and i didnt see each other that much bc i had so much on my plate. But we did talk /text everyday. He would say how he could be the man i needed. He hated seeing me so unhappy and we had grown very fond of each other and we always made each other laugh. We helped talk each other thru rough tomes in our personal lives. Our lives became very intertwined. Whereas at home there was so much tension. In the beginning he admitted that he wanted to stay M for his son. But after i broke it off June 2012 for 2 months he kept trying to contacting me. I caved and finally replied and we were back again in August. He told me how much he missed our friendship and we started to talk about a future. We had an argument in sept and i broke it off bc i couldn't take all the added stress in addition to what i was already dealing with at home. We went 4 months of NC. I urged my H to go to MC and wouldn't take no for an answr bc i desperately wanted to work on "us". He agreed but reluctantly. We've since stopped MC this past March 2013. The cost was bothering him. During the break up, OM contacting me from sept - Jan. i finally felt emotionally separated enough that i replied to see how he was doing. Bc i did genuinely care. Things started up again briefly and again, the guilt was overwhelming and i ended it in March.
So. That's my story. I can see how i (someone who always had ethics and morals) can succumb to an A. I wasn't looking for excitement. I began to think that H and i grew apart and perhaps we're not right for each other anymore. I have OM telling me hes unhappy and that the odds of us meeting up again after all these yrs must really mean something. So i began to believe that he was in the same boat as i was, genuinely unhappy, but did the right thing by his child in order to be a better dad than his dad was to him.
If you read this far, thank you. Any advice is welcome.
I want to thank you for your help and responses that we started to address in Cindy's "Contact" thread. . I appreciate you sharing your story as im sure its not easy to drudge it up. Yes i have been working on figuring out why i went and had an A. Ive never cheated before and was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Let me preface my response with the fact that i know i did wrong. It was not the way i should have handled things. But here goes.
I've been M for 17 yrs. we were 25 when we got M (H was 26). We've both been old fashioned, Italians. I played the role of the doting W who would do anything for her H. Daily household things, etc. We always wanted children and ran into yrs of problems trying to have them. Doing things for my H filled that void for me bc i wanted so badly to be a mom. At 34, our first child comes. I did everything. He never held or changed a diaper bc his dad never did - that was a moms job - i never complained bc i finally became a mom and loved every minute of it. He was at a decent job and the company i worked for let me stop to p/t. When our child started preschool i resumed my f/ t position. Fast forward to 3 yrs ago when our 2nd child comes along and my H is in a poor job not making much causing him to be depressed. I urged him to go for help but he never did. So i picked up the slack, took on side jobs in addition to my f/t job and running the house and being a room mom at school, and taking care of our children - shopping, cooking all meals because our eldest has multiple life threatening food allergies and can only eat things i make her. While im juggling All of our responsibilities, he would simply go to work, come home, and sleep. Would not do anything to help out, or interact with the kids, and it was starting to take its toll on me physically an mentally. Im 42 and obviously dont have the stamina to keep up this pace like a 20 or even 30 yr old can.
Sept 2010, OM moves to the neighborhood, we run into each other at school, and start chatting. We had known each other over 10 yrs ago. Met on the train traveling to work ( im still at my same company but work from home for them now). Nothing ever happened back then btwn us. I was M like 7 yrs at the time, he was only dating the woman who is now his W. i got a bad vibe from him back then. Felt he was a player and a talker. Would bad mouth his gf. Eventually they had a child. We lost touch a yr later when i stopped traveling. So when we met up again he asked to exchange numbers and we started chatting. He told me he had M his gf because they had gotten pregnant. He said they argued alot over the yrs and things weren't that great. He became friendly w my H because of the fathers club at school. I told my H about him. He knew we knew each other yrs ago bc i had done some work for him - im a designer. Everything was out in the open.
We wld talk about our families, and it was comforting to talk to someone who wasnt always so down and depressed (like my H had become) i grew more and more resentful towards H bc i kept taking on more and more and he would not do anything to help himself. I kept trying to get him to go for IC, bought books on self help, suggesting he change careers, etc. H did nothing to help himself. He grew more jealous of me that my career was taking off. Im now w my company 15 yrs. he's never been w a job for more than 2. I've never thrown it in his face. I've always stood by him and have been supportive.
However, i was exhausted, getting more and more resentful and OM wld recognize how much i did, and it was comforting and nice to be noticed. He kept pushing and pursuing for me to "do what i want" " i deserve happiness if H is going to be a prick and not help me or himself". Little by little, our friendship grew closer bc we would commiserate with each other. He said he M his gf bc they got pregnant and his father was absentee and he didnt want to be that way with his child. He was very hands on dad and i envied that. It took 4 months before things became physical. I would cry and tell him i couldn't break my vows, this is wrong, etc. and yet i did break down and have the A. The distance btwn my H and I grew bc I lost respect for my H (and myself as well) bc he was not stepping up to the plate even though i talked to him numerous times about it. But the kids needed more and more of my attention, and i was doing everything by myself so i just couldn't dote on my H anymore. Then he became mad at me for putting our children's needs first and not doing all the things i used to do for him. We began to argue bc he was being selfish and childish. And it bothered me that i was losing a partner as he was becoming more and more needy bc he was depressed and sulking and yet not doing anything to help himself. Perhaps the A started out wrong where we were escaping our problems at home. But we fell in love (i know about the fog, but my feelings were real for whatever thats worth). OM and i didnt see each other that much bc i had so much on my plate. But we did talk /text everyday. He would say how he could be the man i needed. He hated seeing me so unhappy and we had grown very fond of each other and we always made each other laugh. We helped talk each other thru rough tomes in our personal lives. Our lives became very intertwined. Whereas at home there was so much tension. In the beginning he admitted that he wanted to stay M for his son. But after i broke it off June 2012 for 2 months he kept trying to contacting me. I caved and finally replied and we were back again in August. He told me how much he missed our friendship and we started to talk about a future. We had an argument in sept and i broke it off bc i couldn't take all the added stress in addition to what i was already dealing with at home. We went 4 months of NC. I urged my H to go to MC and wouldn't take no for an answr bc i desperately wanted to work on "us". He agreed but reluctantly. We've since stopped MC this past March 2013. The cost was bothering him. During the break up, OM contacting me from sept - Jan. i finally felt emotionally separated enough that i replied to see how he was doing. Bc i did genuinely care. Things started up again briefly and again, the guilt was overwhelming and i ended it in March.
So. That's my story. I can see how i (someone who always had ethics and morals) can succumb to an A. I wasn't looking for excitement. I began to think that H and i grew apart and perhaps we're not right for each other anymore. I have OM telling me hes unhappy and that the odds of us meeting up again after all these yrs must really mean something. So i began to believe that he was in the same boat as i was, genuinely unhappy, but did the right thing by his child in order to be a better dad than his dad was to him.
If you read this far, thank you. Any advice is welcome.
Like you, I married an old fashioned, catholic guy and always did everything in the house & for the kids. It got old. Kids are grown up now, and I still do all the cooking etc. but I refuse to wait on H or clean up after him. They still expect us to be their mothers??
I was lonely and met up with someone from my past. The A happened. It may or may not be over. Things not going well in that regard. I had my reasons for doing it. It wasn't the answer to my problems and probably caused a lot more, but it did lead to my growth as a person, and for that I am grateful. I have acquired wisdom and insight that I would have never experienced if I had lived a nice, quiet life. So, I have no regrets. Pain, yes, but no regrets.
So much has happened that the issue of confessing or not confessing is irrelevant now. H and I will never regain the emotional closeness we used to have. But there is still affection there, and most of the time we get along well.
There are a thousand answers to the question, "Why?" Pick one, or pick all of them. They are all true, and they are all false at the same time. We are human and have our imperfections. We just do the best we can to survive, and sometimes an A is just that--survival. Right or wrong.
Quorazon -
I've come to realize the issues w my H need to be addressed again with him. Because i dont want to wake up 20 yrs from now and look back and say wtf?! Its sad but i did lose respect for my H and i dont look at him the way i used to. It hurts because throughout our M i have always been supportive of him and i wish i got that in return. I know part of the problem is caused by me because i enabled him. The more i did, the less he had to do. And after all these yrs, its real hard to turn that around.
I hafta say i never would have learned this much about myself, had this not have happened. I do want to try and repair our M and get to a point where we are partners again. My H says he wants us to work things out but won't do all this work on himself and thats what makes me so sad.
Temporary is the problem, then it's just like last nights dinner dishes. I can run from them while I consume red wine and dark chocolate....but this morning they're right there where I left them.
Your first marital therapist said, if the affair is in the past, deal with the marriage. How many times have you connected with your affair partner since? I don't ask to beat you up, but to help you really face if your affair is really in the past?
Your husbands new found resentment of your leaving, I would venture, is because part of him knows how far you really ventured and he does not know what to do. He is flying a plane in the fog, relaying on his controls and the air traffic tower, but the air traffic tow and his controls are only giving him part of the story. He knows in his gut there are more directions, but he is just being told he is making bad decisions and he is the problem. He will hit a mountain or building eventually.
Just my $0.02
I appreciate and completely understand what you're saying. It makes total sense when youre dealing with a rational person. However, when you're dealing with someone who is passive/aggressive, the littlest thing explodes 10 fold. My H can bring me to tears and make me think im crazy when i try and talk about our issues. So far, I've worked on the issues that were bothering my H. But he works on his issues for a few days and then it's business as usual. He can't let go of shit and its mind boggling.
I suggested we go to a different MC and he got mad and said no. He insisted i wanted to change therapists because she told me not to diagnose each other. in our last session, I've come to realize through all my reading and searching that H is p/a. I cited actual examples and MC said shes not here to diagnose and neither should I. ?????
Then what the hell are we doing there i asked him?
our convos go round and round and round in circles until im so dizzy i just give in and give up. Im not saying that was an excuse for an A, bc its not. But im desperately trying to work on things but H has to do work as well. And he doesn't. Or won't. Or whatever the reason. So people ask why i dont leave? Because when im left to be depressed and try and figure out another way to approach our discussion, he wakes up the next day and asks, "so we're all good?" And my response over the yrs used to be yes because i was so confused and mucked up in the head, i couldn't make heads or tails of our issues.
But after Years of this, and kids and more responsibilities, i cant take it anymore. And so as i press on when he asks if "we're good", i say no. He 'll get mad that his apology wasnt enuf and claims i continue to bring up past issues and won't let things go. But im simply referring to an arguement we had just the day before which never got resolved! Dealing with this behavior is completely draining and when you're on the receiving end of it, you feel like you're losing your mind.
Since therapy, i had reconnected with my AP twice. I totally see your point. But in the last few wks of hard work on myself i can see now that the fog is lifted, that OM is not the answer. I ended it over a month ago and have stuck to NC even tho he continues to try and bait me. I can see more clearly how whatever we had would not work. I can see more clearly what the core problems are in my M and Want to try and work on them.
People may say, then again, why not tell? H will more than likely flip out, Never let this go, and we'd divorce and I'd be rid of him. But that's too hard to do. I want to try and make things work for our little kids. Plus, he'd make life a living hell for me and the kids because if he can't let go of little things like watching his children for an hour so i can grab coffee with my friends, he'll never. Let an A go. Ever.
Keeping it to yourself is basically making a choice to be stuck where you are.
Given your desire to not say anything to him, here is what I suggest:
Make a little mark in your calendar somewhere that only you know what it means. Mark the day you "ended it again". This is the date from which you will judge time and your husband, not 6 months ago, a year ago, the first marital therapy session. One month ago you started your detox again. As you detox, perhaps he will change and get it too, or perhaps not. As you detox and get OM out of your system, your husbands gut will quiet, and then maybe you will see his true character. Again, he has been dealing with a great unknown and since there is deception you really do not know if that is what he is reacting to or not. Maybe he will get it, his gut will quiet and things will improve? I hope so. If not, you will at least be clearer that you gave it a chance.
Again, a husband or wife cannot fix what they can't see. Keep doing the work your doing on laying to rest the affair and then see if he can really change or not.
I tried for years to get my H to realize how bad things were; I never expected to have an A, but once I did, I realized that I was emotionally done with my M. Finding out made my H finally want to work on things, but I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't. I ended my marriage almost immediately.
My AP was 'asleep' in his words, and our A woke him up. He (also Catholic) tried for almost two years to find a way to stay in his marriage, and finally accepted the fact that he couldn't.
Neither of us left our marriages FOR each other, but we were the catalyst that shone the light on what was already dead.
Whatever you decide, make sure you're truly satisfied with it.
So hard to answer any of these questions with foresight -- the answers usually only come with hindsight.
But by then, it is too late.