Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Jeanettecin-
I want to thank you for your help and responses that we started to address in Cindy's "Contact" thread. . I appreciate you sharing your story as im sure its not easy to drudge it up. Yes i have been working on figuring out why i went and had an A. Ive never cheated before and was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Let me preface my response with the fact that i know i did wrong. It was not the way i should have handled things. But here goes.
I've been M for 17 yrs. we were 25 when we got M (H was 26). We've both been old fashioned, Italians. I played the role of the doting W who would do anything for her H. Daily household things, etc. We always wanted children and ran into yrs of problems trying to have them. Doing things for my H filled that void for me bc i wanted so badly to be a mom. At 34, our first child comes. I did everything. He never held or changed a diaper bc his dad never did - that was a moms job - i never complained bc i finally became a mom and loved every minute of it. He was at a decent job and the company i worked for let me stop to p/t. When our child started preschool i resumed my f/ t position. Fast forward to 3 yrs ago when our 2nd child comes along and my H is in a poor job not making much causing him to be depressed. I urged him to go for help but he never did. So i picked up the slack, took on side jobs in addition to my f/t job and running the house and being a room mom at school, and taking care of our children - shopping, cooking all meals because our eldest has multiple life threatening food allergies and can only eat things i make her. While im juggling All of our responsibilities, he would simply go to work, come home, and sleep. Would not do anything to help out, or interact with the kids, and it was starting to take its toll on me physically an mentally. Im 42 and obviously dont have the stamina to keep up this pace like a 20 or even 30 yr old can.
Sept 2010, OM moves to the neighborhood, we run into each other at school, and start chatting. We had known each other over 10 yrs ago. Met on the train traveling to work ( im still at my same company but work from home for them now). Nothing ever happened back then btwn us. I was M like 7 yrs at the time, he was only dating the woman who is now his W. i got a bad vibe from him back then. Felt he was a player and a talker. Would bad mouth his gf. Eventually they had a child. We lost touch a yr later when i stopped traveling. So when we met up again he asked to exchange numbers and we started chatting. He told me he had M his gf because they had gotten pregnant. He said they argued alot over the yrs and things weren't that great. He became friendly w my H because of the fathers club at school. I told my H about him. He knew we knew each other yrs ago bc i had done some work for him - im a designer. Everything was out in the open.
We wld talk about our families, and it was comforting to talk to someone who wasnt always so down and depressed (like my H had become) i grew more and more resentful towards H bc i kept taking on more and more and he would not do anything to help himself. I kept trying to get him to go for IC, bought books on self help, suggesting he change careers, etc. H did nothing to help himself. He grew more jealous of me that my career was taking off. Im now w my company 15 yrs. he's never been w a job for more than 2. I've never thrown it in his face. I've always stood by him and have been supportive.
However, i was exhausted, getting more and more resentful and OM wld recognize how much i did, and it was comforting and nice to be noticed. He kept pushing and pursuing for me to "do what i want" " i deserve happiness if H is going to be a prick and not help me or himself". Little by little, our friendship grew closer bc we would commiserate with each other. He said he M his gf bc they got pregnant and his father was absentee and he didnt want to be that way with his child. He was very hands on dad and i envied that. It took 4 months before things became physical. I would cry and tell him i couldn't break my vows, this is wrong, etc. and yet i did break down and have the A. The distance btwn my H and I grew bc I lost respect for my H (and myself as well) bc he was not stepping up to the plate even though i talked to him numerous times about it. But the kids needed more and more of my attention, and i was doing everything by myself so i just couldn't dote on my H anymore. Then he became mad at me for putting our children's needs first and not doing all the things i used to do for him. We began to argue bc he was being selfish and childish. And it bothered me that i was losing a partner as he was becoming more and more needy bc he was depressed and sulking and yet not doing anything to help himself. Perhaps the A started out wrong where we were escaping our problems at home. But we fell in love (i know about the fog, but my feelings were real for whatever thats worth). OM and i didnt see each other that much bc i had so much on my plate. But we did talk /text everyday. He would say how he could be the man i needed. He hated seeing me so unhappy and we had grown very fond of each other and we always made each other laugh. We helped talk each other thru rough tomes in our personal lives. Our lives became very intertwined. Whereas at home there was so much tension. In the beginning he admitted that he wanted to stay M for his son. But after i broke it off June 2012 for 2 months he kept trying to contacting me. I caved and finally replied and we were back again in August. He told me how much he missed our friendship and we started to talk about a future. We had an argument in sept and i broke it off bc i couldn't take all the added stress in addition to what i was already dealing with at home. We went 4 months of NC. I urged my H to go to MC and wouldn't take no for an answr bc i desperately wanted to work on "us". He agreed but reluctantly. We've since stopped MC this past March 2013. The cost was bothering him. During the break up, OM contacting me from sept - Jan. i finally felt emotionally separated enough that i replied to see how he was doing. Bc i did genuinely care. Things started up again briefly and again, the guilt was overwhelming and i ended it in March.
So. That's my story. I can see how i (someone who always had ethics and morals) can succumb to an A. I wasn't looking for excitement. I began to think that H and i grew apart and perhaps we're not right for each other anymore. I have OM telling me hes unhappy and that the odds of us meeting up again after all these yrs must really mean something. So i began to believe that he was in the same boat as i was, genuinely unhappy, but did the right thing by his child in order to be a better dad than his dad was to him.
If you read this far, thank you. Any advice is welcome.
I want to thank you for your help and responses that we started to address in Cindy's "Contact" thread. . I appreciate you sharing your story as im sure its not easy to drudge it up. Yes i have been working on figuring out why i went and had an A. Ive never cheated before and was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Let me preface my response with the fact that i know i did wrong. It was not the way i should have handled things. But here goes.
I've been M for 17 yrs. we were 25 when we got M (H was 26). We've both been old fashioned, Italians. I played the role of the doting W who would do anything for her H. Daily household things, etc. We always wanted children and ran into yrs of problems trying to have them. Doing things for my H filled that void for me bc i wanted so badly to be a mom. At 34, our first child comes. I did everything. He never held or changed a diaper bc his dad never did - that was a moms job - i never complained bc i finally became a mom and loved every minute of it. He was at a decent job and the company i worked for let me stop to p/t. When our child started preschool i resumed my f/ t position. Fast forward to 3 yrs ago when our 2nd child comes along and my H is in a poor job not making much causing him to be depressed. I urged him to go for help but he never did. So i picked up the slack, took on side jobs in addition to my f/t job and running the house and being a room mom at school, and taking care of our children - shopping, cooking all meals because our eldest has multiple life threatening food allergies and can only eat things i make her. While im juggling All of our responsibilities, he would simply go to work, come home, and sleep. Would not do anything to help out, or interact with the kids, and it was starting to take its toll on me physically an mentally. Im 42 and obviously dont have the stamina to keep up this pace like a 20 or even 30 yr old can.
Sept 2010, OM moves to the neighborhood, we run into each other at school, and start chatting. We had known each other over 10 yrs ago. Met on the train traveling to work ( im still at my same company but work from home for them now). Nothing ever happened back then btwn us. I was M like 7 yrs at the time, he was only dating the woman who is now his W. i got a bad vibe from him back then. Felt he was a player and a talker. Would bad mouth his gf. Eventually they had a child. We lost touch a yr later when i stopped traveling. So when we met up again he asked to exchange numbers and we started chatting. He told me he had M his gf because they had gotten pregnant. He said they argued alot over the yrs and things weren't that great. He became friendly w my H because of the fathers club at school. I told my H about him. He knew we knew each other yrs ago bc i had done some work for him - im a designer. Everything was out in the open.
We wld talk about our families, and it was comforting to talk to someone who wasnt always so down and depressed (like my H had become) i grew more and more resentful towards H bc i kept taking on more and more and he would not do anything to help himself. I kept trying to get him to go for IC, bought books on self help, suggesting he change careers, etc. H did nothing to help himself. He grew more jealous of me that my career was taking off. Im now w my company 15 yrs. he's never been w a job for more than 2. I've never thrown it in his face. I've always stood by him and have been supportive.
However, i was exhausted, getting more and more resentful and OM wld recognize how much i did, and it was comforting and nice to be noticed. He kept pushing and pursuing for me to "do what i want" " i deserve happiness if H is going to be a prick and not help me or himself". Little by little, our friendship grew closer bc we would commiserate with each other. He said he M his gf bc they got pregnant and his father was absentee and he didnt want to be that way with his child. He was very hands on dad and i envied that. It took 4 months before things became physical. I would cry and tell him i couldn't break my vows, this is wrong, etc. and yet i did break down and have the A. The distance btwn my H and I grew bc I lost respect for my H (and myself as well) bc he was not stepping up to the plate even though i talked to him numerous times about it. But the kids needed more and more of my attention, and i was doing everything by myself so i just couldn't dote on my H anymore. Then he became mad at me for putting our children's needs first and not doing all the things i used to do for him. We began to argue bc he was being selfish and childish. And it bothered me that i was losing a partner as he was becoming more and more needy bc he was depressed and sulking and yet not doing anything to help himself. Perhaps the A started out wrong where we were escaping our problems at home. But we fell in love (i know about the fog, but my feelings were real for whatever thats worth). OM and i didnt see each other that much bc i had so much on my plate. But we did talk /text everyday. He would say how he could be the man i needed. He hated seeing me so unhappy and we had grown very fond of each other and we always made each other laugh. We helped talk each other thru rough tomes in our personal lives. Our lives became very intertwined. Whereas at home there was so much tension. In the beginning he admitted that he wanted to stay M for his son. But after i broke it off June 2012 for 2 months he kept trying to contacting me. I caved and finally replied and we were back again in August. He told me how much he missed our friendship and we started to talk about a future. We had an argument in sept and i broke it off bc i couldn't take all the added stress in addition to what i was already dealing with at home. We went 4 months of NC. I urged my H to go to MC and wouldn't take no for an answr bc i desperately wanted to work on "us". He agreed but reluctantly. We've since stopped MC this past March 2013. The cost was bothering him. During the break up, OM contacting me from sept - Jan. i finally felt emotionally separated enough that i replied to see how he was doing. Bc i did genuinely care. Things started up again briefly and again, the guilt was overwhelming and i ended it in March.
So. That's my story. I can see how i (someone who always had ethics and morals) can succumb to an A. I wasn't looking for excitement. I began to think that H and i grew apart and perhaps we're not right for each other anymore. I have OM telling me hes unhappy and that the odds of us meeting up again after all these yrs must really mean something. So i began to believe that he was in the same boat as i was, genuinely unhappy, but did the right thing by his child in order to be a better dad than his dad was to him.
If you read this far, thank you. Any advice is welcome.
Next question why did you choose someone also involved in a M whom you did not like to begin with?
"i got a bad vibe from him back then. Felt he was a player and a talker. Would bad mouth his gf."
That quote spoke volumes to me because I felt the same way. See when OM started working with us I could not stand him. He was a player, had a g/f but still went on dates and bragged about all the sex he was having. I don't know when it changed but one day he was friendly and we had a normal convo. I think he realized I wasn't into the whole player thing so he toned it down around me. Next thing I know I think he's attractive but so what...first guy I have found attractive in 10 years since I started dating my SO but that's okay I can deal besides he doesn't find me attractive. Next step I find out he thinks I'm beautiful looks and personality. Next step he complains about his g/f, although I never complain to him a out my SO I feel he is trusting me. Next step he talks about wanting to get physical but we can't because it'll be bad for both of us. Next step he keeps mentioning physicality. Next step we become physical.
When I stopped it which was 2 days after we became physical I was disgusted. I remembered the fact that I couldn't stand this guy. Why would I do it with him!? I had no respect for myself and thought my body was the only reason people wanted me. He was allowed to use my body because I felt like shit about myself but it didn't do anything but make me feel worse. I realized validation must come from within and if I am having issues in my life only I can solve them, sex with someone does nothing to help you. I also gave oral twice, there was no other sexual contact with him so I received no pleasure from my actions. I believe I did it that way to feel appreciated by someone again. It wasn't about the sex for me but the feeling of being appreciated but it didn't work because it came from the wrong source.
So figure out why you chose him. Why someone who gave you bad vibes go begin with? Our gut instincts are usually pretty on par with who we are and what we should avoid.
Next question is how does MC work with this between you? You went in to solely talk about what he's doing and how it hurts you but you have this huge secret you are keeping. I have to be honest, do you think he never noticed? Do you think those times he complained about your lack of attention is because your focus was on OM? Even if you didn't see him every day you still talked and texted every day and those were moments you could have been focused on your H. Maybe he saw that...maybe he realized he got less attention because you were actually giving him less attention. Why was talking and texting with this guy everyday more important then figuring out a solution to your M or did it not matter anymore because you had your outlet?
I think you need to dig really deep to find your reasons. Ask yourself why you had your A and when you come up with an answer ask why again to the answer and when you answer that ask why again. Keep asking why and the true reasons will surface. The surface answer was I was unhappy and unappreciated but there are other solutions to those problems so why the A.
There is more but I'm typing on a phone and losing my thought process a little but I will come back and talk to you if you would still like me too after this post. I tend to be blunt because I know the pain on both sides of this A coin and don't really hold back anymore. Hope it helps. Hugs, you are a beautiful person who made bad choices, now you have to make some good ones.
Looking back I can see that he picked me out as an easy target. Why I was open to it was open to it wax the same old story. Low self esteem, craving ego kibbles, missed off that my husband wasn't appreciating me the way I 'deserved'. In keeping score I didn't account for god fact that I wasn't giving out ego kibbles either. The typical story, I guess, instead of resolving our differences we just built up resentment and grew apart.
Resentment is a great wedge for holding the door open to an affair.
I didnt leave bc of my upbringing. I am catholic and divorce is frowned upon. He wasnt hitting me and all M have their ups and downs and we've had our fair share and thats just what you do in a M. You support each other. Stand by each other and lean on each other. I was just doing what i figured any other W would do. For better or worse, right?
Why the OM? I dont know honestly. When we met up through the school again and started talking, we were just friends. Really. There was no attraction. I mean he was very good looking but i had no intention of cheating. In fact in one of my many break ups with him, i said, i dont want to have some fun with you and then when i go home my problems are still there and on top of them, I'm riddled with guilt and anxiety. It made no sense to me. But our conversations were always uplifting and we talked about day to day stuff. He was interested in my life, work, my children too. It sounds like little by little my boundaries were broken down as the friendship progressed and i was impressed with how hands on of a dad he was. I NEVER would pursue a MM. He came to me, pouring out how his life took an unexpected turn when he and his gf had a child out of wedlock and he did the honorable thing. It all started making sense to me that perhaps people can be stuck in poor M and be unhappy but for reasons they stay - financial, children, comfort zone. Not that an A is the answer tho. That is just an escape. And when i told him this, he starts questioning why i stay. Saying i deserve more. Better. We then started talking of a future together. In the beginning, i would come home and be physically ill after being with him. I felt awful for what i was doing. He felt awful that i would be sick. I felt like he genuinely cared for me.
In jan of 2011, i insisted on MC. I went first alone and told of our M problems and my A. I was advised, if my A was over, and i would put it behind me and committ to my M, i shouldn't tell. But the only way that would work is if i worked hard on forgiving myself. Bc when you're with a person for so many yrs. they could tell something is off. I do think he suspected. So i took her advice and put it behind me. We did MC for a few months but the cost irritated my H and hes not an advocate of it, so we stopped. I told him, we need to take what we've learned from her and apply it to our lives and really work on our M. He had switched jobs and was getting a salary and no longer on commission so i figured things will get better now. 3 months later i end the A (again) and committ to my H and M in the hopes things will improve. But they didnt. My H is passive aggressive. Always has been i suppose, my family realized it from day 1 but i loved him and it didnt bother me all that much. Well, since i was no longer in the A, and i had a tiny amount of free time bc i stopped the side jobs, i needed some "me" time. I looked forward to grabbing a coffee or pedi with my sis or friends but he didnt want me to. Always gave me a hard time. Now, i realize his hesitation was probly bc he suspected of my A. But i was open and honest and he knew i was really just with my sis or a gf. So it became very suffocating. I left my phone laying around bc i had nothing to hide and more. Well, we argued everyday. We had a newborn, dealing with sleepiness nights and the stress of our deteriorating M. All's i wanted was some time out with friends. I wasn't asking for much. But he became very mad and controlling. And his p/a behaviors were crippling me. On the rare occasions he'd agree to let me go out for and hour or so, I'd come home to him moping. Sulking, and angry for going out. These behaviors would last for days. The wall between us was getting bigger. I began to feel, maybe this M isn't working anymore.
Then few months later, i broke down and replied to OM attempts at contact. This is when he professed his feelings for me and i detached from my M. I even went to see a divorce attny to discuss my options. I was advised to set a time limit. Not make any big decisions now bc it was 3 months before Christmas and we have little children. He also told me to stay focused, cut off all contact with OM bc once a divorce proceeding starts rolling, its pretty much unstoppable. He's seen this kind of thing a million times. He didnt want me to end up like some of his clients who stay M for a host of reasons, and then divorce when they're in their 70's and have regrets of how they lived their life.
So i ended it with OM and started NC first of oct. insisted we go back to MC and we did, reluctantly. Things were going ok, until the next time i asked to go out with my sis or friend. Then he'd get mad for days, but once he got over it, things settled down. So I've been living like this now since oct. i still consider leaving, but bc of my own guilt, i wanted to give things a fair shot now that the A is completely over. (Bc back in jan i caved and resumed contact bc i felt i was emotionally detached from him and could be friends)
I have asked myself the "why"'question. That's excellent advice. I desperately want to get to the bottom of things bc im physically and emotionally drained. I need to be stronger for my girls.
Our chats are very helpful to me. Look forward to hearing back from you.
As for his suffocating behavior he may have suspected and once that gut feeling is there it doesn't really go away for a long time...what for your was suffocating for him may have been desperation to not lose you. Think about it. Healing from this takes a lot of self examination.
In any event, you've given me food for thought and i thank you for taking the time to reply. Hugs to you.
Yes. We did discuss that in MC. My H family lives 3 hrs away. We go and visit them once a month for a whole wkend. They won't make the drive up here for a myriad of excuses and yet their kids are older, middle schl, high schl and college! And yet we travel with our little ones, and all the paraphernalia they need. H is the same way, either he will fight me and complain when i ask to go out OR he'll say yes and it gets tossed in my face afterwards. H needs his own "out" I tell him to go out with the guys and he does but not as often. I Never used to go out when we were first M. But i worked in the office and just wanted to come home and chill. I never gave H a hard time and he went out every single week faithfully with his single cousin. Now, tables are turned, i work f/t from home, kids, the whole nine yards and now i look forward to going Outside of the house. And it bugs me that i hafta "ask" him too. The whole situation is controlling. And on the rare occasions that i go out for dinner, he'll have me make dinner for him and the kids before i go. I used to do that but im tired of it now. Its so frustrating. He hasta be able to cook for our daughter with food allergies. He's gotta learn how to juggle cooking while a fussy baby is hanging off his hip. And doing baths for the kids and getting them to bed. And he's growing increasingly more angry and irritated bc im starting to stand up for myself on these issues. And he'll say hurtful things like: why do i want to get away from him and the kids? Why dont i want to do family things altogether? He makes me feel like im doing something wrong by wanting an hr or 2 with my sis or friends. Then after days of fighting, he apologizes, suggest we put it behind us and move on. Well, im tired of that approach bc i know it will happen again the next time i want some "me" time.
Its a vicious draining cycle.
On a side note, he txted me today, again, by mistake. But right after sent me another txt apologizing. Said his friends name is right near my number and he hits it by mistake. I ignored/deleted both txts. Funny, he never once sent me a txt "accidentally" throughout the A.