Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Okay here goes it. I am a wife whose husband had an emotional affair and almost surely a physical one with one of my friends. We now have 3 kids, I say now because when it started I was pregnant with the 3rd child. The entire situation was complicated because our children were friends with hers and yes, she was married too. I came to this site to see what exactly cheaters anonymous was about. Are you promoting it? Trying to change a cheaters ways? Praising each other? Bragging about your stories? What? I\'ve learned a couple of things. I\'ve learned that the people on this site are filled with emotion and require support at times like everyone else. I\'ve learned that a lot of the cheaters are lied to or \"mistreated\" by the person who is cheating with them. I don\'t come to this site often because it is very painful and I don\'t have a lot of sympathy for some of the people. I know this is going to make some people angry but truly that is not my intention. I have questions that I\'m really interested in knowing the answers to. So before you respond with scathing remarks, try and remember that I\'m trying to learn and understand, not place judgement (although in all honesty I am not completely unbiased). So here are my questions, some are for the cheaters and some for the OW/OM:
Did you know the person you were after or was after you was married? If so why would you continue the relationship? Do you believe that the person who is lying and betraying someone they are supposed to be closest to is going to be honest with you? Did you ever consider how your relationship would affect the spouse of the cheater? Did you even think it was wrong and if so why didn\'t you stop? Do you realize you are interfering in someone\'s marriage which impacts not only the spouse but the children, the in-laws and other families? Do you realize that a divorce devastates the kids, often changes their lifestyles and may cause them to lose their homes and relocate? Have you considered how traumatic it is for the spouse, often causing severe depression, loss of security, self esteem and confidence? There\'s financial loss and for some people whose wives were stay at home moms now have to go find a job with nothing to put on their resumes.
For the cheaters:
Did your vows not mean anything to you? Did you consider how this relationship would affect your spouse? When you took that first step toward infidelity what were you thinking about (other than just getting laid)? Did you think of how wrong it was and if so how did you continue? Did you go into it hoping you could keep both relationships or were you looking for someone else? Did you consider how this would affect you children? If you did it because your relationship with your spouse was \"essentially over\" why not end the marriage and have an honest relationship with that person? If your marriage was troubled, did you tell your spouse that it was to the extent that you would have an affair or you would end the marriage? Do you know that statistically extramarital affair relationships do not last even if you divorce your spouse? If there wasn\'t someone else to go to, would you leave your spouse? Do you even see anything wrong with what you are doing? Where do you think the affair will go to, a divorce, just for kicks ...?
As I said, I\'m just trying to understand the thinking behind the actions. Please don\'t get offended. I know there are many different situations which is why I ask these questions. Honestly, I usually go to the breakup and divorce sites and how someone can do this to another person and what kind of person would do it often comes up. By the way, if you really want to know what these affairs do go to breakup and divorce and divorce after twenty years sites. There are more but that\'s a start. Fair warning though, you guys aren\'t very well liked. Anyway, I\'m just trying to understand so please be honest. If you just didn\'t give a crap, say so. If you are just a dog, tell me why. Again, I\'m not trying to judge, I\'m just looking for answers and to the people that share their story --- Thank You!
Did you know the person you were after or was after you was married? If so why would you continue the relationship? Do you believe that the person who is lying and betraying someone they are supposed to be closest to is going to be honest with you? Did you ever consider how your relationship would affect the spouse of the cheater? Did you even think it was wrong and if so why didn\'t you stop? Do you realize you are interfering in someone\'s marriage which impacts not only the spouse but the children, the in-laws and other families? Do you realize that a divorce devastates the kids, often changes their lifestyles and may cause them to lose their homes and relocate? Have you considered how traumatic it is for the spouse, often causing severe depression, loss of security, self esteem and confidence? There\'s financial loss and for some people whose wives were stay at home moms now have to go find a job with nothing to put on their resumes.
For the cheaters:
Did your vows not mean anything to you? Did you consider how this relationship would affect your spouse? When you took that first step toward infidelity what were you thinking about (other than just getting laid)? Did you think of how wrong it was and if so how did you continue? Did you go into it hoping you could keep both relationships or were you looking for someone else? Did you consider how this would affect you children? If you did it because your relationship with your spouse was \"essentially over\" why not end the marriage and have an honest relationship with that person? If your marriage was troubled, did you tell your spouse that it was to the extent that you would have an affair or you would end the marriage? Do you know that statistically extramarital affair relationships do not last even if you divorce your spouse? If there wasn\'t someone else to go to, would you leave your spouse? Do you even see anything wrong with what you are doing? Where do you think the affair will go to, a divorce, just for kicks ...?
As I said, I\'m just trying to understand the thinking behind the actions. Please don\'t get offended. I know there are many different situations which is why I ask these questions. Honestly, I usually go to the breakup and divorce sites and how someone can do this to another person and what kind of person would do it often comes up. By the way, if you really want to know what these affairs do go to breakup and divorce and divorce after twenty years sites. There are more but that\'s a start. Fair warning though, you guys aren\'t very well liked. Anyway, I\'m just trying to understand so please be honest. If you just didn\'t give a crap, say so. If you are just a dog, tell me why. Again, I\'m not trying to judge, I\'m just looking for answers and to the people that share their story --- Thank You!
Honestly, I think in the beginning you just give yourself permission not to think at all. If it starts as an E.A. you're probably not even aware of what you're doing until BOOM there you are, and suddenly you can't compartmentalize it anymore and you realize there are real consequences to your actions. And it's too late to get off the roller coaster ... all you can do is hurt people no matter what direction you go in, and you are the bad guy, no matter how you look at it ...
The first step is to understand what you have done, who you have done it to, and start to find the way back into the light ... Some of us are just jerks who don't care who we hurt, some of us are just people who (for whatever reason) were unhappy and got lost in selfishness and self pity. It makes little sense to the person who has been betrayed, and so far as I can tell the only way back is talking, getting through (not around) the anger and hurt, and using every resource you can find to try and do it ...
Thanks for your honesty. What is E.A.? Sorry, I'm still learning the lingo
I am both the OW and the cheater. I was in a similar situation to yours in that the OM and wife were friends of ours for 15 years and our children, friends.
You asked so many questions. I was attracted to OM & he to me probably from the beginning. I believed that I would never cheat, so thought it was not a problem. This went on for many years. OM & me were the ones who had lots of activites in common & did more with kids. This put us together a lot. I always was careful to only say and do things with him that my H knew about, that I could tell H about. Many years went by with feelings growing. A few times I realized they were getting stronger and I would purposefully avoid him for some time. I still believed that because I loved my H, respected him, and believed in marriage forever, that I would NEVER allow anything to happen.
Eventually, I got to the point (a few different things happening in my life with kids growing, life changing, etc.) where I could not walk away. Somehow I got to the point where I thought I had already ruined my marriage because I wanted OM so badly. I then rationalized that ruining a marriage for someone I had not even kissed was foolish and so I had an affair. Yes, I did think about OM's family, my family, my husband. I would have moments of clarity and berate myself, by then I would just give in to my feelings. After four months the guilt overcame me and I told my husband.
You also asked about the first step toward infidelity. I can't even honestly say when that was. Was it when I was first attracted to OM 13 or 14 years ago? Was it when we talked about how much we enjoyed spending time together five years ago? Was it when we admitted having some feeling for each other, but that we would never act on them? Yes, I guess it was all of it. The problem was I didn't believe it, I didn't believe what I could do.
I'm not sure how long it has been since you found out about the affair, but if you're in the beginning stages, it's really raw. I can tell you that this site has helped me personally to be able to move past a lot of the anger and resentment I had towards the OW in my situation. I haven't been able to forgive her, don't know if I ever will be able to do that. But I have gained an understanding of what happened (to a degree).
In my case (and I'm only talking about MY situation) the OW was in a bad marriage. My stbx also felt he was in a bad marriage. They began talking to each other about it. Things progressed from there. Do I condone what they did? Absolutely not. But I also don't believe that either one of them went in to this with the intention of tearing through everyone's lives. I think that they did what felt good to them at the time. I honestly don't think that either one of them thought about anyone but themselves. I believe they call this the "fog?"
Anyway, some people come out of the fog, some do not. My ex and his OW are nowhere near realizing what they actually did. Or if they realize it, they don't care. What I have learned is that despite what they did and who they became, it's up to me to make my own future. The anger I harbor hurts no one but me and my children. I have found that it's better to just let go of him, her and the affair, although that's easier said than done.
Yes I knew he was married.
I continued the relationship because he made his mind up that his marriage was over, asked her for a divorce and moved out. During the emotional part of the affair I ended it. We both struggled knowing it was wrong even though it felt so right to be together.
His wife was like a fictional character in my mind. I wasn't thinking of her, only of myself and the MM. I did feel bad after I saw her in person. I was sick to my stomach out of shame and guilt. I felt sorry for her. I was still in love with the MM so I was conflicted in my emotions. I struggled through the good and bad on a daily basis after that.
I never once doubted a word that he said to me. I knew him several years (co-workers) and I would have trusted him with my life. He would have been the last person in the world that I would think lie/lied to me.
We both knew it was wrong but our feelings at the time overstepped everything.
He always said that it would be a train wreck if she knew about me. I didn't realize the depth of how it would have affected her. I do now and I feel horrible for it.
I do understand how divoce affects the kids and peoples lives. I am divorced (not because of infidelity). People get divorced for several reasons and it's always hard in the beginning no matter what the reason. If people get a divorce it's usually for a good reason and not just because someone had an affair.
As far as having to go find work, everyone who works had to go through that. We did it, so can he/she.
I was in the process of a divorce before things got physical w/ MM. MM told me his marriage was over. He just wanted to wait until after the holidays to leave her. He told his wife about us just over a month ago. They are talking, trying to see if they can work things out between them.
Did I feel guilty about being with a MM? At first, when he seemed sure his marriage was over, not really. Over time, yes. I even encouraged him to go back and try to work on their marriage if that was what he wanted. That is what he has decided he wants.
I am working on picking up the pieces of my life, and trying to stay out of their lives as much as possible. We still work together at times and that is very hard for me. He still wants to be friends. I for one have started trying to make other friends outside of work.
I took my vows very seriously and expected him to also. We grew apart after several years and I still never considered doing what I did. Then I was weakened by temptation because I saw my life going nowhere with my H and wanted more out of life. It started out emotionally and talking online & after a couple of months decided to meet but I told myself I would never do anything, just wanted to meet this person I felt in love with out of gut wrenching curiosity. Then I crossed the line and felt as if I was somehow living a different life and reality became very blurry. This person made me feel so good but my morals were becoming more and more screwed up. I loved how I felt when with this person but hated myself when I went home and felt as if I was in shock that I did what I did again. As time went on it became easier and easier and I hated that too but I felt as though this was someone I would marry and I would let my H go and it would be ok someday & that I'd never ever do this again.
I did think about my daughter but knew that I would always be able to provide a stable and very loving life for her.
I always said the same thing...why not end your current relationship first, but I can tell you now that it's easier said than done. I know that does not begin to explain it but I think I was also afraid of losing this other person I loved so much if I made him wait.
I did not tell my H the extent of my unhappiness which is my one big regret now other than what I did. I do know the stats on relationships that begin this way but again it was such a strong emotional pull I decided I wanted it anyway. I think if the other person wasn't around I would have continued to settle for the little we did have together in our marriage. I'd like to think I would have come to a point where I said we have to work hard on it or it's over.
YES! I definitely see everything that's wrong with what I'm doing and know from this experience I will NEVER be in this situation again. I've seen how incredibly destructive it has been for so many people and I'm not willing to put anyone through this again no matter what! I'm not sure where my affair will go. The person wants to marry me but I'm still stuck in my indecision. Hope this helps!
First of all I like your user name. Anyway, the reason I wrote the post was because after a whole year of separation from my cheating husband, I still don"t understand it. We were together for 22 years and married for 17. I don't understand it and I am still VERY traumatized by it. I do not want to be bitter about this for longer than I have to. I'm hoping that if I can understand it a little more than I will be able to move on faster.
Maybe it won't help, I don't know. Maybe it won't help, I don't know.
I'm hardly qualified to give people any sort of advice. I will observe, though, if you have all your attention directed behind you, not only do you miss out on the dangers ahead, but also the good stuff. While I really have no idea why the little twit was tailgating me, I do know that it doesn't really matter. He didn't wreck, because he was looking in front of him.
Obviously, your situation is both more complex and serious. My unasked for and (probably) unwanted suggestion is direct more attention to your future than your past. That doesn't mean ignoring what's behind you, but rather slowing down and giving the sob's of the world the finger as they drive by.
Did your vows not mean anything to you? - yes; but then again, I asked myself if they met anything to my wife. She was not perfect in our marriage either.
Did you consider how this relationship would affect your spouse? Yes
When you took that first step toward infidelity what were you thinking about (other than just getting laid)? Intimacy, friendship, closeness, some consideration, caring, touching, kissing, hugging - all the things (too many to list here) I was not getting from my spouse
Did you think of how wrong it was and if so how did you continue? The guilt was at times, very pressing. But, when you so desperately want to be loved, much of the logic goes out the window.
Did you go into it hoping you could keep both relationships or were you looking for someone else? I honestly did not know. I did know that I felt my wife was my soul mate, but I was very hurt by her actions, or lack thereof.
Did you consider how this would affect you children? That was what, in the end, caused me to break it off, swear to never do that again and get counseling.
If you did it because your relationship with your spouse was \"essentially over\" why not end the marriage and have an honest relationship with that person? That is very complicated for me and a LOT of history to that being codependent. Short answer: children.
If your marriage was troubled, did you tell your spouse that it was to the extent that you would have an affair or you would end the marriage? No, and mainly for the reason that at that time, I did not know what I wanted, did not know how to express what I wanted and stuck in a place where I found no answers; not until almost 15 years later.
Do you know that statistically extramarital affair relationships do not last even if you divorce your spouse? If there wasn\'t someone else to go to, would you leave your spouse? Then, no. Now, yes.
Do you even see anything wrong with what you are doing? Where do you think the affair will go to, a divorce, just for kicks ...? I thought I could lead the double life, frankly.