Hi! Welcome to the group. There are a great group of people here and you found this place for a reason whether you think you are ready or not to move away from your affair.

I actually LOVE the way you posted your comments...short and to the point and as I was about to sign out I felt compelled to comment the same way.

Please know I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND where you are coming from. I was there and trust me, I know all about the chemistry and the ecstasy.

1) Hopefully not....although I think MANY people have on here. And I need to say, go on over to the Infidelity board where you hear the sheer pain/anger/despair of many BS...and it makes you think.....

2) I used to think that......and here I am 3 months post an 18 month affair that I tried to end multiple times. My regret? I didn't stick to my guns earlier and then I could be outside planting daffodils instead of going through this pain and recovery. Its like an addiction. It is. Like a drug. We know.

3) Yes, you are, and you know what the pain of that is more than you think...ending an A is different than when you were dating and ended it with a BF....ALSO, you are also hurting someone who loves and trusts you. (see question #1).

4) Me either...but if my H ever found out or your husband or the other spouse......they may feel differently. Just sayin' There is a "fog" with an affair....You say all these things to yourself cause I said them myself.

5) That would be correct . And these things never end well.

6) And hopefully both of you are either exclusive with exclusive spouses or using protection or that life may be shorter than you think.....(sorry just being upfront...lol....some of us have had "scares") . Many married men have many OW.....just sayin'

7) hmmmm.....I said the same thing.....my journal entry today says something different (I haven't and now that's a struggle). To cover up the sheer pain, the addiction...it is VERY tempting to go to the "next drug".

As for loving him...the longer it goes on the more attachment you will have...and you may not even realize that it was love until it is over.

"There is a part of me that is so broken".....Yep, get that too....and in the therapy I am now getting to get over this A (really), I am finding out just how broken I am and my marriage.

Stay with the boards, the group, make some friends, read, journal, and ask questions. I joined this site a months before I had the courage to end the A. I don't remember why or how..I just must have known that "this is so wrong".

And again, welcome...you've come to the right place....we "get" it.

Welcome to the DRUG. The FOG. your new LIFE. You will forever be changed, as will your AP. Both my AP and I were married over 2 years ago when we started. We laughed and discussed people we knew who have had side affairs for YEARS with the same people - sort of a parallel life. We really did think that we could just have incredible sex whenever time was available and move on with our day and lives. But after awhile, affection seeps in...love happens...feelings start getting bruised...dependance sets in. I think I speak for all of us that are well beyond 6 months - we have all been there. At 6 months I was on top of the world!! I have sex with someone 15 years younger and very HOT, I had a great family - I was different that I knew my M was on life support anyway. But I truly felt early on I could sustain. Wow was I wrong. I discovered I was madly in love with my AP - everything about her I was blown away by. Still most of it I am to this day. I got my divorce, she is still married. When he moves - you may want to find it again with someone else because the drug is unbelievable! We are here - these are great people all in similar situations. You came to a great place and thanks for sharing your story. Keep asking questions and reading what others are going though. Some people can in fact just have a sexual escape and keep their feelings in check. We all do for awhile - most of us just break at some point. Welcome.

Thanks for the feedback Golfer21 and shoretimenow. I've been reading others' stories and have convinced myself that my situation is unique. Probably wishful thinking...This site is where I come when I am feeling guilty and looking for motivation to start a new path. So far it hasn't worked. I've been talking to a therapist for about 4 months and will continue to do so. I highly recommend counseling for anyone who feels the isolation that this terrible secret creates. Thanks again for listening and understanding.

You are very welcome! Good luck and please keep coming back!

You really believe the only person you're hurting is yourself?

I've been thinking about your question all day. I do believe that if we don't get caught, the only person I am hurting is myself. (I am fairly convinced we will not be caught.)

What I've been thinking about today is all the people who would be hurt if the A is discovered. That list looks more like the branches of a tree and I can't even fathom how many people would be negatively affected or for how long. My children are independent and in there early 20's but much of their strength comes from the stability of our family. AP's has a young family and a high profile career....................................... Thank you for the food for thought.

I kind of get what you are talking about. My OM#1 was a similar type situation. He was like cocaine. He moved far far away, cutting it short. I will tell you that you will probably have a very hard time when he leaves. It will be very hard to get your equilibrium back. You don't even realize what this is all doing to you until he is gone. I think in the middle of it all I would have said all the same things that you said. Rationalization is a powerful tool that our sub-conscious uses to find a way to give us what we want.

I was not able to "get back to normal" after he left. That is why there is an OM#2. Not to even mention the things I did on-line, all after he left. It was such craziness. It was OM#2 that I fell in love with and got deeply emotionally involved.

I did get caught. Talk about a bomb blowing up.

dizzymrs... you say a part of you is broken. Can you pin-point what that is? If you can focus on yourself, rather than covering up your emotions in an affair you will be able to get to the bottom of this and find out what it is that you are calling broken.

Remember that broken can be fixed, you just need the right tool.

Thanks SorrySally. Here's the "broken" story...

Both my adult children moved far away a few months prior to the start of the A . One is in the Army and one is married to the Army. Before I had a chance to process the pain of that loss, the A began. It's hard to explain or describe how happy yet miserable the A made/makes me, I fell into a pretty serious depression within a few weeks . My perfectly ordered world was shattered. Nothing I knew about myself or my marriage was/is true anymore.

I was a serious mess for a few months. IC has helped enormously as has the passage of time. The broken part is from ancient hurts. My mother died of breast cancer when I was two, youngest of 6 children, My father was abusive and he remarried a mad woman when I was 5...like I said...ancient hurts. I've been working thru all this with my therapist. Just having one person to be honest with is an amazing feeling.

I don't know if this does get fixed. I can't seem to stop the affair.

I love my husband and the life we have...even more now that I realize that discovery could take it all away.

Thanks for your words of support.

It can get fixed if you want it to - you are the only one in control of your life. You make the decisions, no one else.

Talking with a therapist is a great start, and I am sure you have spoken about forgiveness. Not just forgiving yourself, which seems to be the theme for cheaters, but also forgiving your mother for dying and leaving you. Forgiving your father for mistreating you. Forgiving your crazy step-mother. It is forgiving your past so that your future can be happy.

Always remember that you are the one in the drivers seat, and while there may be some back seat drivers in our lives (parents, partners, friends, etc...) you are the one decides when you are going to turn right or left.

Right now its like you are driving on a highway and there is an exit coming up. You need to make the decision if you are going to take that exit and commit yourself to a new road, or keep to the path you have been driving for years. Regardless of your decision, just make sure it is yours alone, and once you do that I think you will find that you can fix what you think is broken.

I wish you courage to take back your life and make yourself happy.

I appreciate all the support. When the affair started, I read through these discussion topics for hours. My hope was to find another person as devoid of common sense and principles as myself but to no avail. Most people involved in these posts seem to have guilt which I do not...although I do love my H very much. Most were in love with their AP and I am not. Just in love with the sex. I don't want to stop and I don't want to get caught. Therapy is helping me begin to unravel the mess I've become. My hope is that between IC and the passage of time, I can get past this horrendous phase of my life and become the person I used to be...In the meantime I will continue to read and commiserate...hopefully learning from others' painful mistakes instead of my own for a change.