Hi, First, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I apologize that it might be long... but it's hard to simplify something that has completely changed me, my life. 

I have been for the most part happily married for the past 18 years. My husband is a loving, wonderful, caring spouse + father. He is the kind of person that you can count on and will go out of his way to do anything for you. He is my best friend, and I do believe my soul mate. We met after I had been shortly seperated from my first husband- I was young and naive. My first H was extremely controlling -It was an extremely emotional soon to turn physically abusive marriage. I found strength and got out in 2.5 years. When I met my first husband I was young, lost and had shortly come out of a heartbreaking relationship with my high school boyfriend that I had considered to be my "first love". My HS boyfriend and I had an intense love and at the time he was my 'perfect' guy-+ he treated me like a princess, he was my rock. Without going into a bunch of details my home life was messy- So I relied on him and our relationship became my only light. Then one day out of no where it was just over- he never gave me an explanation, I had absolutely no closure. I was devastated, felt broken. I believe that it was in my damage that I fell for an abusive partner, my first marriage.  You might be wondering why I am telling you all of this, but I promise it all comes together! ... 

Fast forward 24 years since break-up with HS boyfriend - This would have been October of 2014. At this point I am going on 16 years of marriage to my H- I love him very much and he is my best friend. However, our romantic relationship, our communication, and daily lives had been extremely stagnant, routine and mundane. He was very busy with building his company and our topic of conversation was either about his work or the kids. We would go weeks or sometimes months in between being intimate- When we would have sex it was always great.. but it just never seemed never to be priority. I did express my concern about the 'lack' in our marriage, but he seemed quite content. I would say for about a year or better I had been feeling lost, numb, at times dead inside- looking back it's safe to say I was depressed. Plus, I had just turned the big '40', my kids were all in their teens and not needing me like they once did. I realized that  I had lost my identity- I gave more to my H + kids than I did to myself. This had unfortunately taken a toll on me making me vulnerable for what was about to happen. 

So, October 2014 I receive a Facebook friend request from my old high school boyfriend, yep the first love + the one that broke my heart. I will admit it did take me back - after all it had been 24 years! He had reached out a couple of times over the 24 years but nothing ever came from it. 

It took me a few days to respond, something deep inside must have known it wasn't right- but in the end I chalked it up to it's been 24 years, I'm married and isn't this part of Facebook reconnecting with old friends?! Plus both my H & I had other ex's that we remained friends with. I can honestly say that no one could had prepared me for the hell I was about to encounter. I will try and keep this as brief as possible, but trust me when I say the next several months was a living hell!!! 

Anyways, I accepted his friend request- nothing happened other than he would "like" my photos, posts etc. Then one day he sends me a message about his "charity" I don't know what to make of it so I don't respond. Then a month or so later he posts a really cool pic - I comment "cool pic" and thoughts all it took he within seconds replied and then sent me a private message. At first it was the normal Q&A's of "how you been?" Pretty quickly he brings up our past, reminiscing about when were young. Then came all the compliments + flattery. I will admit it felt good to have someone just talk about me as a person, even though looking back I should have ended it there. Within a few days he intensely came at me with the love for me that had never gone away, that I had always been on his mind in his heart, that he had never been able to find that kind of love with anyone else, on and on and on. This went on for days, then weeks- him proclaiming his deep love for me. Unlike him I had found that love again with my husband- it just had unfortunately gone  dormant for quite sometime. For the first time in a long time I felt alive, wanted and adored. But I also felt horrible, sickened and sad for carrying on these kinds of conversations + starting to have feelings for a man other than my husband. I was living a constant internal struggle- I couldn't sleep, eat losing 20lbs in less than 2 months. I cried all the time and begged God to help me!!! Yet the ex-boyfriend was relentless and I was too weak to stop the communication. He then began painting a fairytale world for me, he claimed to like all the things that I liked, had all the same interests, claiming to be my soulmate- That this was fate that we found each other again. (Little did I know he had planned it all) After a lot of manipulation I started to buy into all he was saying to me. 

The more I fell for him + his lies the farther I fell away from my H. I was going crazy living this way, with the lies  I had to know if this my ex is what I wanted- We met up and after a lot of conversation, his charm + a whole lot of red wine I slept with him. After that a whole lot more happened with communication, but he also started acting weird, blowing hot/cold. Then one day he had this "great" idea that he wanted me to "partner" with him for a business he was going to start, and then he asked me for $30k to invest. 

Something did feel right and I decided not to invest and thats when he started being even colder- but still wanting to string me along. 

I was finally "waking up" I started researching what this type of behavior is- because it was so crazy!!! I came across narcissism and couldn't believe what I was reading- he without a doubt a Narcissist. If not a Sociopath. 

I'm leaving out so much like all the Lies, over the top fabricated stories, words + actions not matching up etc ... the 5 months dealing with him was a nightmare, right out of a lifetime movie. Soon after I wrote him a letter with some very pointed mature question -his reply was "goodbye". Just like that he was done, this whatever it was over. I found out from a mutual friend (she lives in the same hometown as him) that he had a week later purposed to a lady he knew from middle school-high school. He was seeing her the entire time. Another narc trait. He targeted me and had a plan all along - I just didn't know it. He also reconnected with his now wife - she was also married at the time, I can only imagine how he manipulated her. 

I had a mixed bag emotions- part of me was relieved that the crazy rollercaoster ride was over, but I was also hurt and confused. 

In the end - the fact is I'm married. I made the choice to have the affair, regardless of the dynamics and I take full responsibility for my actions. It's been 1.5 years since it ended- 

I have had zero contact with him, nor do I plan to. Since he has tried to friend me on LinkedIn, twice. (what a joke) I did not respond!!! 

I have tried to deal with the emotions that come along with being targeted by such a master manipulator- but that comes no where close to the pain I feel for cheating on my husband. My H has never found out. I've been going to therapy to try and figure out myself, why I allowed what happened to me to happen, how to forgive myself, to maybe one day forgive my ex, and to hopefully one day find peace. 

I live with guilt and at times shame every second of everyday. 

I would have NEVER thought I would cheat on my H! But I did and now I must live with the pain. I don't feel sorry for myself- and I don't expect anyone else to feel sorry for me. 

I am however trying to have compassion for myself, which is difficult. I struggle with telling my H because I know that this would absolutely devastate him. He deserves better than what I did, and I don't want him to live with the pain. I know some would say "don't tell- it's over what good what it do" and other would say "he has the right to know". I have been weighing both daily... still unsure what to do. I have asked God for forgiveness and plan to do it formally tomorrow by going to confession. Besides God, the only other person I want forgiveness from is the one person that I'm scared to death to tell. How could I of been so stupid... I just keep thinking I will one day wake up and it was just a really bad dream (nightmare)-  

I want to be a better person, a better Mom and a better wife. I am willing to do the work- but I struggle with this everyday. Any comments or advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.