Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I will try to make this story as short as possible but I desperately need help and advice as I have absolutely no one to share this with. I first had an on-off friends with benefits relationship with someone for a year. My H vaguely thought I had feelings for this other person, I left it at that because I thought the truth would be worse. I ended that because I cheated on my husband about 10 years ago-I initiated it because it felt good, it was not physical but almost 95% emotional (wayward fog) but then didn't really want to continue as I never wanted to leave my H. But the AP was infatuated and stopped going to work etc so I had to continue to be in touch to help him. Things got better but then I had a miscarriage, quit my job and was in a very needy position. I didn't want to bother my H because I already felt guilty about the past so I re-initiated contact with the AP. He had in some ways moved on but I was in a bad place. I hated him because he was not there for me. I finally told my H about it vaguely. He wasn't happy but at least we continued.
We then had a baby together and moved to my home country (India) from the USA and things were good. H was busy with his job and me with the baby and an awful mother-in-law. That's when AP got in touch with me after so many years. We were in different countries so we never talked but we did chat and some of it was fantasizing about a physical relationship as well. It felt good, like a drug, But H found out. This was about 4-5 years ago. He has been bitter and angry with me since then.I just thought his behavior had changed because he was busy and stressed with work. I just didn't realize how deeply I had hurt H. I have completely stopped all contact with AP (absolutely nothing for last 1.5 years and occasional chat for the 3 years before that-and just catching up, no flirting, no nothing). I never did or never have wanted to be with AP.
Suddenly in Aug, H said he wanted a divorce because he can;t get over the hurt I caused him. I was devastated. I had been very preoccupied with my daughter all these years that I had not paid any attention to his needs, didn't realize his wound was so deep, didn't realize he needed attention. We agreed to stay together for the sake of our child. So since then, I have made him feel special. Then, three days ago, he told me he was in love with an old friend from school. He had been in touch with her over several months and traveling a lot (i thought it was for work, but he was also meeting her). They are planning to get married after my daughter goes to college (12 years from now). This other person is also suffering from a broken marriage and is getting a divorce to be with my H. I am very desperate. I told him I would not stand in the way of him and this other lady, but at the same time I would try my best to show him how much I love him and want to be with him. He appreciates what I am doing and says he will always be there for me. I don't believe him, he is very naive. I am very sure this other person is going to force him to divorce me sooner than 12 years. We live in India and she is in the US and he will be meeting her in May (we were all planning to go to the US for a holiday and H for work but now I dont want to go). What do all of you think? my daughter is only 6 and has been suffering from listening to all the crying and arguing. I want to do right by her and H but I am clinging on to something for myself as well. Do you think this is the right thing to do? Will he ever change his mind and stay with me? Thanks for listening.
We then had a baby together and moved to my home country (India) from the USA and things were good. H was busy with his job and me with the baby and an awful mother-in-law. That's when AP got in touch with me after so many years. We were in different countries so we never talked but we did chat and some of it was fantasizing about a physical relationship as well. It felt good, like a drug, But H found out. This was about 4-5 years ago. He has been bitter and angry with me since then.I just thought his behavior had changed because he was busy and stressed with work. I just didn't realize how deeply I had hurt H. I have completely stopped all contact with AP (absolutely nothing for last 1.5 years and occasional chat for the 3 years before that-and just catching up, no flirting, no nothing). I never did or never have wanted to be with AP.
Suddenly in Aug, H said he wanted a divorce because he can;t get over the hurt I caused him. I was devastated. I had been very preoccupied with my daughter all these years that I had not paid any attention to his needs, didn't realize his wound was so deep, didn't realize he needed attention. We agreed to stay together for the sake of our child. So since then, I have made him feel special. Then, three days ago, he told me he was in love with an old friend from school. He had been in touch with her over several months and traveling a lot (i thought it was for work, but he was also meeting her). They are planning to get married after my daughter goes to college (12 years from now). This other person is also suffering from a broken marriage and is getting a divorce to be with my H. I am very desperate. I told him I would not stand in the way of him and this other lady, but at the same time I would try my best to show him how much I love him and want to be with him. He appreciates what I am doing and says he will always be there for me. I don't believe him, he is very naive. I am very sure this other person is going to force him to divorce me sooner than 12 years. We live in India and she is in the US and he will be meeting her in May (we were all planning to go to the US for a holiday and H for work but now I dont want to go). What do all of you think? my daughter is only 6 and has been suffering from listening to all the crying and arguing. I want to do right by her and H but I am clinging on to something for myself as well. Do you think this is the right thing to do? Will he ever change his mind and stay with me? Thanks for listening.
I think you may gain more insight on the Infidelity board (link is below).
They may give you insight on the very valid and painful feelings you are experiencing such as 1) Having your spouse tell you they are biding their time with you till they can make a clean break in 12 years (arrogant!) 2) How to work with young children so they are not subject to arguing and continue to provide them with as much normalcy as possible. 3)Wanting your spouse to return to you when they clearly are involved in a emotional AND physical affair with someone else.
Maybe in these 12 years he's 'suffering through it', he can suffer through marriage counseling too.
Personally, if my husband dropped that on me (and please know I can't understand the impact because I haven't been there) I'd tell him he had two choices to either 1) devote himself to marriage counseling with me or 2) If he preferred not to and insisted he wanted to be with this other woman, leave the keys and the checkbook at the door and let me work through this and find happiness myself.
You are too good to allow someone to walk over you and 'bide' their time with you for the next 12 years. You deserve happiness yourself.
Two wrongs don't make a right my friend. You turned yourself around.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/support-group
I don't know your legal rights in India. I've heard men have the legal upper hand where marriage and children are concerned. You may want to consult with legal counsel before you make any hard decisions.
At this point you need to do what's best for your child but if at all possible, I'd get away from him & his mean mother.
If this ow has any empathy she will give the man she claims to love a chance at rebuilding his marriage.
If he's not willing to go nc then his current idea of planning his future while living as husband and wife seem nearly impossible and deffinately not healthy for your child.
There is a process called the 180 that toy can read about and consider. Its often given to bs who's cs just isn't putting in the work to rebuild. Your situation is complicated because of your cheating history. I would suggest some ic for each of you as well. Maybe at some point mc.
I agree that you may get some good advice at the infidelity board but yes toy will get some harsh responses too since there are some very wounded bs there. Maybe start by reading many posts to get an idea of the flavor of the board.
I am a bs btw.
I hate auto spell sometimes.