Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hey everyone. kind of need someone to talk to about this.
if you haven't checked out my novel of a post, long story short, I cheated on my boyfriend while i was abroad and kept it from him, but he found out anyway later on because I was dumb enough have a convo the guy i cheated on him with on twitter.
Major wake up call, I don't want to be that person anymore. Which is why I'm here, wanting to change.
I want to try to fix things; he still loves me and cares about me and WANTS to forgive me, but he is wary and doesn't trust me. I get that 100%. I said I would wait for him to decide. I thought that meant proving to him that I wanted to change, setting certain boundaries, and making a few rules, and above all, talk to each other and communicate.
Well, he has a different plan. He wont decide where he wants this to go until he "doesn't need me anymore" so that he can make a clear decision. I couldn't help but take this as hes waiting until he doesn't love me anymore, to decide what he wants to do, and that just screams failure to me. and in this waiting time, I am to be completely celibate (obviously), if a man hits on me or flirts with me, I am to remove myself from the situation (understandable), and I am not allowed to consume alcohol without my BF present (a little extreme, but understandable as well). everything that falls outside those rules, I am to make a judgement call, and if i choose wrong, all bets are off. Oh, and there is limited contact between me and boyfriend. no spending the night, no hanging out, no talking, and a text once in a while. (at this point, i'm a little relieved, because he has become very mean, though i dont blame him).
I'm totally OK with the rules, but the limited contact really bothers me. I feel that actions build trust, and communication builds trust, but waiting around to a time where he no longer "needs" me, and waiting around to see if I mess up, just seams like i'm defeated from the start. It has made me double think everything I do, everything i say, but I just dont see this going well
if you haven't checked out my novel of a post, long story short, I cheated on my boyfriend while i was abroad and kept it from him, but he found out anyway later on because I was dumb enough have a convo the guy i cheated on him with on twitter.
Major wake up call, I don't want to be that person anymore. Which is why I'm here, wanting to change.
I want to try to fix things; he still loves me and cares about me and WANTS to forgive me, but he is wary and doesn't trust me. I get that 100%. I said I would wait for him to decide. I thought that meant proving to him that I wanted to change, setting certain boundaries, and making a few rules, and above all, talk to each other and communicate.
Well, he has a different plan. He wont decide where he wants this to go until he "doesn't need me anymore" so that he can make a clear decision. I couldn't help but take this as hes waiting until he doesn't love me anymore, to decide what he wants to do, and that just screams failure to me. and in this waiting time, I am to be completely celibate (obviously), if a man hits on me or flirts with me, I am to remove myself from the situation (understandable), and I am not allowed to consume alcohol without my BF present (a little extreme, but understandable as well). everything that falls outside those rules, I am to make a judgement call, and if i choose wrong, all bets are off. Oh, and there is limited contact between me and boyfriend. no spending the night, no hanging out, no talking, and a text once in a while. (at this point, i'm a little relieved, because he has become very mean, though i dont blame him).
I'm totally OK with the rules, but the limited contact really bothers me. I feel that actions build trust, and communication builds trust, but waiting around to a time where he no longer "needs" me, and waiting around to see if I mess up, just seams like i'm defeated from the start. It has made me double think everything I do, everything i say, but I just dont see this going well
I think our SOs would get along pretty well right now.
other side note- does him being dishonest with me make me a BS as well? on Surviving Infidelity, I was messaged and informed that I am a " Mad Hatter" (both a WS and BS), which means I'm limited on where I can post there. I dont feel like a BS, only a WS.
the people over there aren't nearly as kind and supportive as the people here, discouraging actually.
This is all still really fresh for you, right? Only about 10 days? His emotions are still raw and tender. They will be for quite a while. While technically his dishonesty with you may be a deliberate betrayal, it may not be. It could be a reaction to yours, or he could be concealing things because he feels they don't really matter. In either case, you can rationalize your position. I tried that early on and boy did it get me into trouble. You can't bring rationalization into a highly charged emotional situation like this. He feels like the injured party, and if you want to heal him, you have to do the bending.
The Surviving Infidelity site is geared more toward the betrayed side. It's a valuable resource to read and see what they are experiencing, but when the wayward ones post there, there's always a high risk of backlash, especially if you rationalize and justify the affair.
For expressing yourself and getting feedback from those like you, this is your home.
It's going to break my heart further to give you both a little dose of reality.
I will try to be as gentle as I can.
After you folks committed adultery, the ultimate betrayal, the "ball" is 100% in the betrayed spouses "court".
This may sound disheartening but WHATEVER your betrayed spouses want you the cheating spouse will have to honor. If the betrayed spouse wants a divorce, separation, limited contact, no contact , wants to reconcile..........................................................................etc........etc (to infinity) you the cheating spouse will have to honor.
Just remember every situation is different and every betrayed spouse is different.
While you can try as hard as you want and be the best person that you can be to try and win the betrayed spouse back, ultimately the betrayed spouse will make that decision in what they want to do.
I recommend being as helpful and committed to your betrayed spouse as you can be in helping them heal.
Ultimately whatever the betrayed spouse decides, you folks will have to honor.
and the celibacy rule has been amended, we're only allowed to be affectionate and with each other. so, he isn't seeing anyone else, i wont be seeing anyone else, but we are not together. i'm not sure how i feel about it, because it will crush me if he decides he doesn't want to try.