Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hey everyone. kind of need someone to talk to about this.
if you haven't checked out my novel of a post, long story short, I cheated on my boyfriend while i was abroad and kept it from him, but he found out anyway later on because I was dumb enough have a convo the guy i cheated on him with on twitter.
Major wake up call, I don't want to be that person anymore. Which is why I'm here, wanting to change.
I want to try to fix things; he still loves me and cares about me and WANTS to forgive me, but he is wary and doesn't trust me. I get that 100%. I said I would wait for him to decide. I thought that meant proving to him that I wanted to change, setting certain boundaries, and making a few rules, and above all, talk to each other and communicate.
Well, he has a different plan. He wont decide where he wants this to go until he "doesn't need me anymore" so that he can make a clear decision. I couldn't help but take this as hes waiting until he doesn't love me anymore, to decide what he wants to do, and that just screams failure to me. and in this waiting time, I am to be completely celibate (obviously), if a man hits on me or flirts with me, I am to remove myself from the situation (understandable), and I am not allowed to consume alcohol without my BF present (a little extreme, but understandable as well). everything that falls outside those rules, I am to make a judgement call, and if i choose wrong, all bets are off. Oh, and there is limited contact between me and boyfriend. no spending the night, no hanging out, no talking, and a text once in a while. (at this point, i'm a little relieved, because he has become very mean, though i dont blame him).
I'm totally OK with the rules, but the limited contact really bothers me. I feel that actions build trust, and communication builds trust, but waiting around to a time where he no longer "needs" me, and waiting around to see if I mess up, just seams like i'm defeated from the start. It has made me double think everything I do, everything i say, but I just dont see this going well
if you haven't checked out my novel of a post, long story short, I cheated on my boyfriend while i was abroad and kept it from him, but he found out anyway later on because I was dumb enough have a convo the guy i cheated on him with on twitter.
Major wake up call, I don't want to be that person anymore. Which is why I'm here, wanting to change.
I want to try to fix things; he still loves me and cares about me and WANTS to forgive me, but he is wary and doesn't trust me. I get that 100%. I said I would wait for him to decide. I thought that meant proving to him that I wanted to change, setting certain boundaries, and making a few rules, and above all, talk to each other and communicate.
Well, he has a different plan. He wont decide where he wants this to go until he "doesn't need me anymore" so that he can make a clear decision. I couldn't help but take this as hes waiting until he doesn't love me anymore, to decide what he wants to do, and that just screams failure to me. and in this waiting time, I am to be completely celibate (obviously), if a man hits on me or flirts with me, I am to remove myself from the situation (understandable), and I am not allowed to consume alcohol without my BF present (a little extreme, but understandable as well). everything that falls outside those rules, I am to make a judgement call, and if i choose wrong, all bets are off. Oh, and there is limited contact between me and boyfriend. no spending the night, no hanging out, no talking, and a text once in a while. (at this point, i'm a little relieved, because he has become very mean, though i dont blame him).
I'm totally OK with the rules, but the limited contact really bothers me. I feel that actions build trust, and communication builds trust, but waiting around to a time where he no longer "needs" me, and waiting around to see if I mess up, just seams like i'm defeated from the start. It has made me double think everything I do, everything i say, but I just dont see this going well
I don't know how committed your relationship with him was or is, but he's leaving the choice of whether you really want him in your hands. He will judge you based on how you conduct yourself. How well you follow his rules, whether you decide that he's worth sacrificing for. It's tough, I know. Do you fly straight and true for an uncertain outcome with him, or do you give up and go on?
As for me, I'm sticking. Even just a friendship with my wife is better than life without her.
I'm really hoping he lets up and talks to me more, because holding onto his anger isn't going to do anyone any good.
And thanks- thats what I've been thinking, that I have to keep trying, that i have to keep double checking myself, because it would be so easy to fall back into old patterns and I'll never really move forward.
He's right. It does take 6 weeks to adopt a habit or drop one. Don't count on the 6 week mark, though. He'll move the goalpost at will, and he's right to do so. This is his program, and you must comply. (again, I learned that the easy? hard? way)
On the lying... from my own experience, I never actually LIED to my wife. I just withheld information and colored information as it was presented. While I never considered that lying, it's still interpreted as lying. Today I volunteered information that my wife couldn't give a rat's ass about. It made me feel better and it probably did for her too. I don't really care, because my conscience is clean now.
The openness to talking will be on his schedule, and his alone. It took almost 2 months for my wife to start emailing me for anything except the financial necessities of an immediate divorce. Don't misunderstand, we're still getting divorced immediately, but we both acknowledge that we still love each other. She's right, I'm wrong. I'm the one who had the affair. I still trust her judgement. After all, she's my wife. How could I not?
Side note- Speaking of omitted information, he is not completely innocent here, though my sin is greater. when we were having our first conversation since D-Day, he admitted that while I was gone, he started hanging out and talking with his ex again (which i have always had a big problem with), and he got drunk one night with friends and somehow, a "friend"(i didnt feel I was in a position to ask who) got naked in his bed and tried to seduce him, though he says he rejected her and hasn't talked to her since.
how am i supposed to feel about this? am i allowed to be upset about this? I know that I crossed the line and hid it, which is worse, but these are hurtful offenses as well. i feel like our relationship is so fragile, bringing this up to him will just send things spinning
We are both guilty of the ultimate betrayal. You and I both have to make things right somehow. But let me step into your corner for a moment. What was the problem you had with his ex? Are you sure that the naked gal was the ex, or could she have been anyone? My Mrs. has a problem with one specific ex, and I never understood why. Maybe your resentment toward your boyfriend's particular ex could shed some light on my wife's problem with this specific one.
This ex, was the most recent ex before me. The reason I dislike her, is because of him, because he allowed her to come in between us.
little story
around our one year mark; We were invited to go out to a very nice restaurant he had been promising to take me to, for his friends birthday, and i was so excited to go. Well, the day before, he found out that his friend had also invited his ex last minute. I was completely fine with that, I'm capable of being the bigger person in a situation and ignore her completely, but he had a different plan. The afternoon we were supposed to go (the restaurant was a couple hours away), i was all ready to go and excited, and he tells me he isn't taking me anymore, but is instead bringing an acquaintance of his (who didnt even know the birthday girl) because "'friend x' had never been there before" (duh, neither have I) and because he was "afraid 'EX-GF' would say something to you(as in me)" I was angry, hurt, and very upset with this. Later I found out they had been talking at dinner, and he started messaging her and didnt say anything to me, i found out because a message flashed on his phone when she texted him. i was angry, because he had given me grief about my ex texting me, which i told him about from the beginning. and the once again, she got between us, a month later on I found out he went to a party knowing she would be there and that she still wanted to talk to him. I got all upset, because if she wants to talk to him so badly, and he cares enough about it to talk to her behind my back when i'm already suspicious about it, we had a huge fight. in the end, he promised he wouldn't talk to her. Up until this summer, I think hes kept with it. I dislike her, because I feel as though my BF put her needs and feelings before my own.
We're currently acting civilly, do you think it would be safe to ask how he got into contact with her? because she was supposed to have been blocked. I dont want to start anything, i just want to know.