Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
My story. 9 years ago i had an affair. This is something i am not proud of. Our children were 7 and 9. I was unhappy in the marriage to which i approached my husband a few times. Given his personality which is generally happy go lucky and she'll be right mate ish, he didnt want to discuss the problems. This led me to believe he didnt care. I felt i wasnt being heard. My father at this time was dying from a brain tumour and he was living overseas at the time so it was a difficult time mentally and physically for me. By all means these things are not excuses. Just wanting to give background. This affair started. It went on for a while. My husband found out. We seperated and then a few years later divorced. The affair ended. About 6 months after i met another man. He is a great man except he verbally abuses me approx twice a year. He is a widower of 10 years. He had a relationship very soon after his wife died to which he says he shouldnt have had. The woman left him. They got back together and then she left him again. Hes angry that his wife died. Hes angry that the woman left him. When he has his episodes, he calls me names, says i will never be as good as his wife was, conpares me to her, sats disgusting things about my body parts, calls me a s**t and threatens to tell my kids (now 16 and 18) about my affair. This just happened again a week ago. He ripped off a pendant from my neck that he had given me. Opened and slammed shut my car door repeatedly (i was sitting in the car) i keep taking him back. He keeps telling me he will do something to fix it all. This time hes has made appointments to a clinical psych and will be going to anger management classes. Hes tried hypnosis which to my surprise seemed to work for a while. And went to a counsellor (only a couple times) why do i stay? I dont need him but i want him in my life still. .. im so disappointed in myself for staying. Ive told him this time that we will oly see each other once axweek after his psych appointment so he can let me know how it went and that hes not welcome to sleep over anymore until i feel comfortable. Hes done nothing but apologise. And i can see that he is scared. And that he is trying. Hes doing everything he can possibly do at this stage. Hes a drinker. I did ask him if he would be willing to give that up and his response was that he will just see what the psych tellsgim. So thats a no.... i feel like a fool. Firstly, for tellig him in the first place about my affair and secondly for continuing to stay with him. My ex husband is not wanting to to tell the kids. He may well do later on but for now, no. I will do whatever he wants. He has moved on and is happy with his partner of 4 or 5 years. They have built a home and a life together. I am happy for him. We are fairly amicable and he is a good father. Why does my current partner continue to threaten and speak to me as he does?
The more important question is why you haven't run as fast as you can, away from him.
You know what to do: have no further contact with him. Change your phone number, email address, etc. and get a restraining order against him. Then get yourself into therapy.
Short answer: Because you allow it.
Some people would find that completely rude and disrespectful and not tolerate that kind of behavior. Some people believe that just because we love someone doesn't mean they are right for us or we should allow them to emotionally abuse us. What your describing is just that, if it happens twice a year or once a decade, it's not ok to treat/threaten others like that. Help me understand- if it was physical abuse where he was hurting you outwardly on each solstice of the calendar year, would that be different?
Maybe the gal that left him understood exactly that.
You had an affair 9 years ago. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself and know that we are all fallible human beings. There comes a time when you cant continue to stumble on your past in an effort to move forward. Life is a series of lessons. I believe we are out here to learn and grow from them.
Personally I think your current boyfriend has alot of issues he needs to work out - the first being attempting to be kind to those that care about him. Maybe his lesson is just that or he'll lose those closest to him.
Take back your power and respect yourself, love yourself but more importantly forgive yourself. Life is too short for nothing less.