Makes me think of monks. Monk mentality perhaps?

Codependent?

You, as an objective observer, perceive it as sacrificing, giving up dignity. For a person who has no sense of their own value outside of serving others, being needed (used, however you might describe it), feels like a gain in dignity, not a loss. Being needed is the it way to access that feeling of worth.

This is a person completely disconnected from Self and knowledge of their innate value. I have a friend like this, adopted after being born a child of rape, with a deep sense of being inherently worthless and having to earn a place in the lives of others through generosity, deeds, being useful or used. I have to remind her almost every conversation that I don't need anything from her and I'm still around.

If it's with a specific person. In general... I don't know. Low self-esteem paired with a giving nature.

I expect a monk would have a much stronger sense of innate worth, being connected to the Universe, being calm in knowing that having stuff is not necessary to having worth, thereby making it a non-issue to give it up.A monk still has freedom, choice and dignity, justjust expressed in ways most would be uncomfortable with. To me, a monk stands naked, figuratively speaking, without losing any sense of worth because real worth is internal.

I think you are right fiber. no self worth. how to help?

Wow, rosewater! You don't ask the hard questions, do you? ;) If there was a simple answer none of us would be here.

It's a process that, unfortunately, has to start within that person. I've been struggling recently with both my daughter and her fiancée around this concept. She's embarrassed by the modest lifestyle she grew up in; he's locked into a belief system where all the outer trappings prove his value. Of course, his beliefs reinforce her shame and she spirals downward. When I talk with him about it he takes it as an attack on his value system rather than affirmation of his innate value. I can't get through, or at least I have not yet.

As for my friend, I've invited her to join me in practicing yoga. I've found a great studio where the teachers focus on acceptance of self, recognizing that there is no completion of learning, only practice and progress. I'm hoping it will be advertorial for her as it has been for me.

Maybe that's the best we can do, set out on our own journeys, being willing to share what we find along the way, bringing friends along when they are ready, honoring where they are along their own path.

Easy, right? ;) But by doing your own work you have the strength to carry that friend if that becomes necessary.

Advertorial? Pretty sure autocorrect is just making shit up now. Should have said 'as beneficial'.

Also, what looks like a great book: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/127893.Something_More I have a copy I've been putting off reading, as I'm a highlighter/margin writer and want to give it to my daughter. I just need to five in and look for another copy for her :/ So many creative excuses to procrastinate.....

*dive*

I need more data:

What personal freedom did they give up?

How did they give up their dignity?

If I armchair that little snip-it alone I will be projecting my crap all over it :)

I sacrificed for my child, twice. Divorce number 1 was messy. X number 1 never used his visitation. When my son was four, x number 1 decided that he wanted to use his visitation. My son didn't want to go with him alone, so I went with them until my son felt comfortable going with him alone. I allowed him to go alone. Of course the bum ended up walking away anyway. When X number 2 pushed my hands away the day we got back from our honeymoon and gave his speech about how I was "Not normal" I was miserable, and was going to leave him about a month after I married him. I told my son, and he begged me to stay. I stayed. I carried and buried it until 2007, for 22 years, and then I broke!

I wish I hadn't stayed. I do not have low self-esteem.

Maybe codependent.

And yet they feel it's ok to have an A tho. So they are doing SOMEthing for themselves.

Maybe it's how they perceive their relationship in order to justify the A?

Low self esteem, feel not good enough to get up and leave and start fresh?

Scared the next relationship may be worse then the current?

Just a bunch of ideas....

Idk, he exhibits confidence in many things. He just does not like confrontation and arguments. He will do anything to avoid. Especially giving others their own way. He also has a strong desire to please.

One may say foolish. Another may say people pleaser, no self esteem, no self worth, but please do not believe it to be love! I could give you my opinion however you must seek your own answer. I was once told to search deep to find "what's in it for me " to behave in such a self defeating manner!

Good luck