Wow clover moon, you should start a Cheater and Proud of it, support group. I am not sure if anyone's sutuation. But everyone is here for their own reason.

jaymee if I remember right the members over on the Infidelity site wanted to send you packing. Is that why you're here? You're entitled to your opinion. After all this site is called "Cheaters Anonymous". Also I see you have posted over on the "Cheaters Only" site. What part of "Cheaters Only" don't you understand?????

We CS's are dealing with recovery. It's a roller coaster ride we don't expect you BS's to understand.

Part of my trust rebuilding is "catching" my husband telling the truth, rather than the other way around. Checking things has slowly decreased as time goes on.

I don't recall infidelity sending jaymee packing.

My point is....this is Cheaters Anonymous! I don't come on the Infidelity forum to offer advise nor do any other CS's from this forum. Is it soooooo boring over there you have to come here for entertainment? Oh right, we have a, what's that you called it? we have a brain disorder????

I think it is important for bs and cs to atleast check out both sides of this coin. While many cs may not post over at infidelity, they deffinately visit and read. I've seen many posts here at CA Mahe reference to something they've read there.

Its good for a bs to understand how many cs think and feel and for cs to see the emotions and reactions of some bs.

Infact I am thankful for this board because it had truely helped me have some empathy towards my husband and his mindset during his A and the years of keeping it from me after it ended.

I agree Pink and in fairness the infidelity board has helped me also. With that said, we do become defensive when we feel like we are being treated as nothing but pure trash. Clearly, many many BS's take out their frustrations on us and not who their anger is really directed at. And, also, please know what I'm about to say isn't about you....

Remember, we are (fairly) pretty much the minority of CS's trying move forward, to heal, to work through things. We have so much angst over all this, that the last thing we need to see is blatantly rude or disrespectful comments. The rules of this board include being respectful. In my time here, I have NEVER seen a CS go over on the infidelity board and bash BS's....

I totally get when posting on the Internet you open yourself to all kinds.....but if you dish it out, ya gotta take it.
I come from the mindset that we treat others like you would want to be treated.

And one other thing, I have NEVER understood.....why CAN'T CS's post on the infidelity site.....infidelity effects us all.....this is what this is about.....

But, in summary, yeah, if your gonna scream at me....a sheer stranger....about a mistake or a choice I made..... Be prepared to hear it back.

what's FOG?

Shoretimenow: "And one other thing, I have NEVER understood.....why CAN'T CS's post on the infidelity site.....infidelity effects us all.....this is what this is about....."

They can. There is nothing preventing it. There is no rule that excludes CSs. But like you're saying when a BS posts here in a way that triggers defensive reactions, it is easy for a CS to do the same in a group of BSs. Maybe, I'd say, easier.

But I've seen CSs post on the Infidelity board, even give advice. Gabby has done so on more than one occasion. Recently DesertFlower posted there. One time several BSs were defending Gabby on something I said about 2.5 years ago. Those there who know her, respect her. But she's been unable to make time to post much the last few months, even here, and so I think it would be easier for her to step in it now than it used to be, just because so many there don't know her that well anymore.

But like you say, if you post with respect and understanding what BSs are going through, there is no reason you can't post there when you have something you feel is helpful and worth saying. And there are those who will react negatively to anything any CS has to say. Like a BS posting here can trigger a CS without intending to, just expressing their feelings and experience, it is easy for that to happen there in reverse, and thus trigger in yourself feelings of being judged harshly. Which is why only a small sub-set of each group posts on the other's forums that much.

brokenangel44, the "fog" refers to the mental state of someone engulfed in the pull of a desire so strongly, that it warps their judgment and decision making processes, as if they can't see the brick wall they are racing toward. Without that mental influence, the same person would avoid that wall because it would be obvious it should be avoided and no fleeting pleasure is worth slamming into it. It is the same mindset a person gets into with an addiction, except that it builds such strong connections and "ruts" in the brain that makes it harder to veer out of the way. So many CSs, despite inwardly knowing an affair would hurt their spouse and marriage, because they desire it so much, find justifications about why this would be good, and/or don't focus or allow themselves to think about the consequences, believing they can avoid them, that they are in a special situation.

You see this dynamic happen on occasion here when a new about-to-be CS pops in asking for advice about their desire to have an affair with someone they have "fallen in love" with. Most of you will warn them how bad a decision it is, how much grief it will cause them and their loved ones, etc. While on rare occasion one will be convinced and not go through with it, most frequently they end up ignoring that advice and doing it anyway, no matter how sound the logic given to them here. To many of us, it is obvious and clear what a bad decision they are making, but to them, it seems like the most right thing in the world to do. It's as if they are in a thick fog and can't see the wall racing toward them, and don't believe those who say it is there.

What it boils down to is that having an affair is an emotional decision, not a logical one, in most all cases. It is why CSs who say they love their spouse can end up doing something so unloving to them. My wife was certainly in that group. She loved me, but that didn't stop her from having a series of affairs despite how she knew it would hurt me and risk losing the marriage. At the time, she knew it was wrong, but did it anyway because she wanted it so bad, compartmentalized her life to deal with the incongruities of what she was doing, which was totally out of character for her.

Now she looks back at that time and exclaims, "What was I thinking! That was all so stupid." That's because the strong desire grew in her enough that she made an emotional decision to have an affair. In short, if you love your spouse and don't want to do anything to hurt them, but you have an affair knowing internally it will do just that, it is because the desire had created the conditions where you ignore or justify it to the point that it seems logical at the time to have an affair.

As I noted before, this isn't a "get out of jail free" card for a CS. It isn't saying that a CS doesn't know what they are doing will hurt their spouse, or that the CS has less of a responsibility for the affair (though for some, it can feel that way at the time). It is simply an explanation of how a person with morals who loves their spouse and family could end up doing something to put all that at risk. Like someone with a gambling addiction who will put the mortgage money on the table, justifying that they can make it back, but internally knowing full well the odds are against them.

Note: these statements are true for many CSs, but any one CS may have had a different experience. There are some who for reasons that seem logical to them, decide to have an affair and actively go out seeking one. Sometimes that can be due to foggy thinking, but if the marriage feels "done" to someone and they've given up on it ever working, it can seem quite logical that an affair is their ticket out of it and into a happier life. Or a narcissist who believes they have a right to make themselves happy, and sincerely don't care about who they hurt to get it. Etc., etc., etc. But most of those types would rarely come to a forum like this one because they are not prone to seeking advice or admitting that they have a problem to deal with.

Thank you Cole...I'll keep that in mind...:)