Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I've been reading so many posts on here, looking for support and answers. This group has been so helpful in starting to get my head back on straight. I have a couple of burning questions that I haven't yet found answers to-- am hoping someone will be able to answer.
Long story short: got married to my college bf in early 20s. Been married 18 years. Have 4 kids and all of the busyness that comes with motherhood. Went on holiday with my sister and took advantage of free drinks at hotel happy hour. Met a man and we ended up hanging out with him and his brother and another guy. It was just fun banter but sparks were flying. I took the guy away from the group to tell him I was married and he kissed me. Against everything I knew was right, I kissed him back. We kissed for a while but then his brother and my sister decided it was time to head back to our separate rooms. She pulled me back into reality and I realized I had been so stupid and was avoiding him the rest of the holiday.
Saw him the next morning at breakfast. It was kind of awkward but cordial. Then he just railroaded my thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day. We each had different activities during the day. I knew I needed to avoid him and told my sister we were not going to happy hour that night. But, I couldn't stay away and bumped into him. We agreed to secretly meet up later after separate dinners. I told him up front then that I wouldn't sleep with him but he still wanted to hang out. So we met up, talked for a long time. I felt so free and alive-- how cliche, right? Talking turned to kissing and talking and more kissing. Nothing more but that was enough. It felt so right, like there was chemistry there. I told him that neither of us would exist to the other the next day (when I was heading back home). My sister called and demanded that I get back to our room as it was after 1 in the morning. Again, she pulled me back to reality. I said goodnight and goodbye to him and never saw him again.
Until he found me via a Google search and we started texting and emailing a week or so before Thanksgiving. I stopped it three times bc it felt so wrong with regard to my marriage. But it also felt like that chemistry was still there and I really enjoyed the connection. I have read about emotional affairs (which this has morphed into, I guess) and addiction related to affairs. I finally decided I had to go NC (fourth time and sticking to it so far-- one week tomorrow) and focus on putting that energy into my marriage and family. This man lives in another country (!), is not married (though said he has a live in girlfriend) and has no kids. I don't see where this could rationally go. But I cannot stop thinking about him and the way he made me feel. He seriously made me feel like I could be myself and live genuinely-- and I miss that along with our convos.
I am currently working through this with my therapist and my H and I have been in MC for about 9 months. He doesn't know about any of this-- we were working on making the marriage better waaay before this happened. And things were improving.
My questions:
1. How did you know that you wanted to return to your marriage and stop the A? Have you been satisfied with that choice?
2. Given that there's really nowhere for this to go (although he's suggested meeting up for a weekend-- tempting as it sounds, I just don't think I could do it)-- why can't I just let it go? Many of you had longer or more involved As-- and you've been able to let go. What is going on in my head that I can't stop thinking about this man and focus on the life I do have?
I'm sorry this is so long and appreciate any insight you all may have.
Long story short: got married to my college bf in early 20s. Been married 18 years. Have 4 kids and all of the busyness that comes with motherhood. Went on holiday with my sister and took advantage of free drinks at hotel happy hour. Met a man and we ended up hanging out with him and his brother and another guy. It was just fun banter but sparks were flying. I took the guy away from the group to tell him I was married and he kissed me. Against everything I knew was right, I kissed him back. We kissed for a while but then his brother and my sister decided it was time to head back to our separate rooms. She pulled me back into reality and I realized I had been so stupid and was avoiding him the rest of the holiday.
Saw him the next morning at breakfast. It was kind of awkward but cordial. Then he just railroaded my thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day. We each had different activities during the day. I knew I needed to avoid him and told my sister we were not going to happy hour that night. But, I couldn't stay away and bumped into him. We agreed to secretly meet up later after separate dinners. I told him up front then that I wouldn't sleep with him but he still wanted to hang out. So we met up, talked for a long time. I felt so free and alive-- how cliche, right? Talking turned to kissing and talking and more kissing. Nothing more but that was enough. It felt so right, like there was chemistry there. I told him that neither of us would exist to the other the next day (when I was heading back home). My sister called and demanded that I get back to our room as it was after 1 in the morning. Again, she pulled me back to reality. I said goodnight and goodbye to him and never saw him again.
Until he found me via a Google search and we started texting and emailing a week or so before Thanksgiving. I stopped it three times bc it felt so wrong with regard to my marriage. But it also felt like that chemistry was still there and I really enjoyed the connection. I have read about emotional affairs (which this has morphed into, I guess) and addiction related to affairs. I finally decided I had to go NC (fourth time and sticking to it so far-- one week tomorrow) and focus on putting that energy into my marriage and family. This man lives in another country (!), is not married (though said he has a live in girlfriend) and has no kids. I don't see where this could rationally go. But I cannot stop thinking about him and the way he made me feel. He seriously made me feel like I could be myself and live genuinely-- and I miss that along with our convos.
I am currently working through this with my therapist and my H and I have been in MC for about 9 months. He doesn't know about any of this-- we were working on making the marriage better waaay before this happened. And things were improving.
My questions:
1. How did you know that you wanted to return to your marriage and stop the A? Have you been satisfied with that choice?
2. Given that there's really nowhere for this to go (although he's suggested meeting up for a weekend-- tempting as it sounds, I just don't think I could do it)-- why can't I just let it go? Many of you had longer or more involved As-- and you've been able to let go. What is going on in my head that I can't stop thinking about this man and focus on the life I do have?
I'm sorry this is so long and appreciate any insight you all may have.
1. I still don't know. What I know is that it isn't fair for her (my W). I also know that I don't want the kind of marriage that we have had, so it needs to change.
2. That is the question we all struggle with (at least I). I think that weather the A lasts one day, week, year or ten--or even emotional, it is as powerful a drug. It really is an addiction.
You are not alone. You'll get through it. Talking helps, reading other's stories has helped. The old phrase "there is power in numbers" is true. Just knowing that I am not alone/crazy for feeling the way I do is enough to get me through the next hour sometimes.
I also wanted to mention that I've never done anything like this before, ever, and even the thought of letting myself go down this road *ever* again-- won't do it. Now, if I could just let go of what really is a fantasy with this man...
I'm somewhat new here too and am with you on being caught up in the fantasy of another man. My OM is someone I work with and see every day. I am in EA only territory but could see this going further into full blown A. My OM and I really click and there is much chemistry. I also have been having marital issues but only in the last week have decided to seek IC and then MC too. I don't know what is going to end up happening or what I even really want.
Glad to hear you are doing IC and MC. This is still so new for me and I just started dealing with it in IC, but my therapist thinks the fantasy of the EA is a form of escape and also a potential way of living (fork in the road, chose one way, maybe now wondering about that other way) that was a dream that I must now grieve the death of. My H and my emotional AP are SO different-- thus her sense that giving him (or the fantasy of him) up is like letting go of a way I might have liked to live my life. It's hard to explain and certainly everyone is different.
Bottom line, it's good that you will have a trusted therapist to help you with this issue. It's not a road travelled alone easily and I know (at least for me) it's not something I can discuss with friends.
MC has been really helpful too because you have a neutral third party helping you both discuss difficult issues and helping you both reach whatever your end game is for the relationship. I know I could not have been as honest with my spouse without that third party helping.
Sending positive thoughts your way...