Yep. I left my ex=boyfriend 4 months into the affair. Totally blindsided him. Turned both our lives upside-down (we were living together and now are living apart with an extra $650 a month added onto the rent we used to pay in our shared apt) and caused a crushing amount of pain all around. After continuing with the AP for another 5 months, i recently confessed to my ex (because I sensed he either knew or was close to finding out about the relationship and wanted to be the one to tell him) and caused all the pain and suffering all over again. Two or three weeks later, he emailed me to let me know he had forgiven me. It was sincere and I felt relieved. Mostly for him. But I knew we could no longer be close or even friends because he can't trust me.

In light of all this, I broke it off with the AP a few days ago. From my ex's reaction - I was finally able to see how much pain we were inflicting on the people we love (the AP is still legally married but separated from his wife of many years due to our affair). I realized that my ex was far more important to me than the AP and that his wife is no doubt more important to him than I am. But at the bottom of it all, was something far more insidious.

That undercurrent of feeling undeserving is what haunts me... not just undeserving of forgiveness, but undeserving of love. The ex-BF brought it up as we were breaking up and again when I confessed to him. When I broke it off with the AP, I thought, "What am I doing? All this to walk away alone?? Wow, I really DO think I don't deserve love. Especially now, after all the carnage I've created." I'm pretty sure this is the core of my codependency... I don't believe I deserve love so I have to prove my worth to other people by taking care of them (which devolves into being in control), making them need me and then eventually resenting them for being so dependent on me. I don't know where that core feeling of being undeserving comes from, but I do think it is the key. For me, anyway. Will be looking at that next time I see my therapist, for sure.

Your comment that part of you wants to fade away and be alone is something I've felt many times. I think you've hit the nail on the head a lot faster than I did... if you feel you don't deserve love, pushing it away (or destroying it) through an affair sure does help you maintain that story in your head. Don't know if this is true for you, but it sure seems to be for me.

Are you in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it, with or without your husband (ideally, both). My therapist had seen me and the ex a couple times before we ended it for good (of course, I did not divulge the affair then because I thought it was my burden to carry), but because she knew something of our relationship, she was able to show me that my affair had a catalyst within the primary relationship (i.e., codependency... which takes two). Not that my ex was at all to blame for my betrayal, but he did help lay the groundwork for it, just as unwittingly as I did.

I've also found the book "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum extremely helpful, in dealing with the guilt, understanding how I got here and figuring out what's next. Hope this helps.

I dont have anything to really add that was not said already. However, the fact that you obviously feel guilty shows your feelings for your ex/bf. When I had my affair I did not feel guilty, I did not even feel guilty when I got caught. I felt like a monster because I did not feel the way I should. I had tried several times unsuccessfully to split prior to the affair but for reasons I won't share(they are posted in my journals).
I wish you luck :)

Glad to hear u feel guilty and that you realize the pain u caused some people have just tremendous hearts like your partner. He is trying to work things out. I don't know ur current status bit this takes time by the way. And with time he may forgive but never forget. I'm not in ur shoes so not much advice but a huge red flag is the sentence where you say you still work with ur SO. Tgats a huge no no if I truly want to earn that trust and be worthy of that thrust
I think you will feel better about him forgiving you if you feel urself that you have truly changed and are doing everything you can to deserve his forgiveness and with that I mean therapy to work on urself to make sure it never happens again and obviously changing jobs. Good luck to you. You are very very lucky to have such a great partner don't screw it up again and reward him for his forgiveness

My husband forgave me pretty early, but I could not accept it because I didn't forgive myself even a little bit. Not forgiving myself made it hard to try to work on my marriage. I didn't even want to look it him because it just made me feel ashamed.

We addressed it by not jumping right into working on our marriage. We had a period of many months of just coparenting and trying to reconnect as friends and not making a big decision about our future.

I also find it worrisome that you work with your former AP.

Thank you all for your replies. 19thnervousbreakdown, I am in therapy and have been since the beginning of the affair. I've learned a lot about myself, but I have a long way to go. I understand that much of what I have going on is codependency, and our stories sound very similar. I've also read the book you suggested early on in the affair and did find it very helpful and insightful to the situation I had put myself in.

Heartache5 and gravinggirl, I understand that working with my former AP is not ideal. It's terrible, actually. I'm doing my best to avoid him. I signed a contract for another year, and at this point in my life, it's not feasible to change jobs. I know that sounds like a weak excuse, but it's a factor I have really had to consider, and my husband agrees that, financially and professionally, it's not best for me to relocate right now.

I still have a lot to learn, but I have promised myself that I will never to this to anyone ever again. I can't, and I won't.