Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So I have probably spent about an hour looking at postings and have come to feel like this is a place where I can safely talk about what is going on.
It seems like many people who have cheated feel like their situation is different. I guess I fall into that same trap. I'll give some details of my emotional affair so you all can tell me I am full it and we can go from there.
So I grew up with an image of what a marriage should be like. A friendship first but a relationship that would be passionate and very close. I completed college before I dated because I didn't want to be distracted from my education goals, like my parents had, and be able to provide. When I completed school I already knew who I was going to pursue. A high school friend that I always had a connection with. I had actually know her since Jr. High and we already knew each other well. We dated and before long were married.
I had a very hellish first year and the only reason we didn't separate was for religious reasons. Out of self preservation we seemed to find some pathetic equilibrium. We both wanted a family and had 3 beautiful and talented children. I guess I should say that I have been married for 23 years and am 46.
We settled into this pattern where she would stuff things inside and blow up every few weeks and would throw up a wall. I would climb the wall or break through it after a couple of days and we would be good again for a while. This cycle continued until I was resigned to the fact that this was my life.
So fast forward.... I am an Ayn Rand fan. Anyone that knows Atlas Shrugged you will get me pretty quickly. I met and became good friends with a younger woman that was brilliant and a very hard worker. I was an advocate of this individual and watched her grow with the company and become a leader. She eventually left the company and that's when things got interesting. About 5 months after she left she send me an email telling me how I made an impact in her life and how she looked up to me.. Nope, nothing yet... (wait for it)
She had an opportunity to travel and we would chat a couple of times a week over IM. She got herself into a precarious position and I became VERY worried about her and it was then that my concern as a friend crossed an emotional line. (Hindsight here people.) Once the line was crossed we began to talk more and become closer. After a couple of months of getting to know each other I fell for her. (Mind you I had known her for over 5 years and knew her pretty well and was a big fan.)
I guess the best way to put it was that when I got her email I replied with 'If I was younger, wasn't married and was better looking and had more $ I would have pursued you." Yea, just reading my own words I get what an idiot I am.
BTW, I had tried several times to improve my marriage. Book after book, counseling etc. So I was resigned to a mediocre life. It was this wonderful woman that woke me up to the fact that I didn't have to have a shitty love life until the end of my days. No matter what happens I will thank her for that.
So enter the drama. I didn't believe my marriage was something that could be saved. Why? Because i tried for years to turn it around (see above). I still have two kids at home and didn't want to up and desert the family for this other woman. So in all my selfishness and twisted logic I thought I would go to counseling long enought for my wife to give up on us. Well to my surprise she fought for our marriage!
You should know that my wife has a habit of handing small things very poorly. (Leave a cup on the wrong side of the counter and you get an ear full.) But she handles big things very well. So when she knew I was fed up she grew a halo. The nagging stopped, the mothering stopped etc. I didn't believe it was real at first because of our past. It March of this year when we started counseling. By the end of May I had to give my wife credit for her effort and decided (intellectually) that her effort deserved an effort on my part. I was worried that when I did the other shoe would drop and things would get bad again but she deserved the effort.
So I turned the corner and touched her for the first time since the middle of February. I met with the Other Woman and broker her heart. My wife and I had a great couple of weeks before the other shoe dropped as I feared. (Not like I expected there to be no consequence for my actions.)
So I knew I we had work to do if we were going to fix our marriage. I deserved whatever wrath I had coming. I was determined to give my marriage every chance. What I didn't expect was how messed up I would be for hurting the Other Woman. This kills me to this day and impacts everything. I also am discouraged by the lack of progress in dealing with the marriage issues. We have been consistently going to counseling and if feels like the marriage had returned to the cold and distant 'friend' relationship I had for 23 years.
Anyway, as many have said there are lots of details but you are probably already tired of reading.
The point is I wasn't looking for an affair. Was surprised when it happened. It happened with someone I had know for 6+ years so the qualities I see in her are much more than infatuation. (Infatuation is certainly a factor here, but what I see in her may be more founded that what others are attracted to that actually seek out an affair.)
So, I must admit that my situation reads a little different from the stories I have read in this forum so far. But I have only been poking around for a short time so correct me if I am wrong.
Anyway, this is my story and I'm not sure what the weeks ahead hold in store...
I look forward to your input.
It seems like many people who have cheated feel like their situation is different. I guess I fall into that same trap. I'll give some details of my emotional affair so you all can tell me I am full it and we can go from there.
So I grew up with an image of what a marriage should be like. A friendship first but a relationship that would be passionate and very close. I completed college before I dated because I didn't want to be distracted from my education goals, like my parents had, and be able to provide. When I completed school I already knew who I was going to pursue. A high school friend that I always had a connection with. I had actually know her since Jr. High and we already knew each other well. We dated and before long were married.
I had a very hellish first year and the only reason we didn't separate was for religious reasons. Out of self preservation we seemed to find some pathetic equilibrium. We both wanted a family and had 3 beautiful and talented children. I guess I should say that I have been married for 23 years and am 46.
We settled into this pattern where she would stuff things inside and blow up every few weeks and would throw up a wall. I would climb the wall or break through it after a couple of days and we would be good again for a while. This cycle continued until I was resigned to the fact that this was my life.
So fast forward.... I am an Ayn Rand fan. Anyone that knows Atlas Shrugged you will get me pretty quickly. I met and became good friends with a younger woman that was brilliant and a very hard worker. I was an advocate of this individual and watched her grow with the company and become a leader. She eventually left the company and that's when things got interesting. About 5 months after she left she send me an email telling me how I made an impact in her life and how she looked up to me.. Nope, nothing yet... (wait for it)
She had an opportunity to travel and we would chat a couple of times a week over IM. She got herself into a precarious position and I became VERY worried about her and it was then that my concern as a friend crossed an emotional line. (Hindsight here people.) Once the line was crossed we began to talk more and become closer. After a couple of months of getting to know each other I fell for her. (Mind you I had known her for over 5 years and knew her pretty well and was a big fan.)
I guess the best way to put it was that when I got her email I replied with 'If I was younger, wasn't married and was better looking and had more $ I would have pursued you." Yea, just reading my own words I get what an idiot I am.
BTW, I had tried several times to improve my marriage. Book after book, counseling etc. So I was resigned to a mediocre life. It was this wonderful woman that woke me up to the fact that I didn't have to have a shitty love life until the end of my days. No matter what happens I will thank her for that.
So enter the drama. I didn't believe my marriage was something that could be saved. Why? Because i tried for years to turn it around (see above). I still have two kids at home and didn't want to up and desert the family for this other woman. So in all my selfishness and twisted logic I thought I would go to counseling long enought for my wife to give up on us. Well to my surprise she fought for our marriage!
You should know that my wife has a habit of handing small things very poorly. (Leave a cup on the wrong side of the counter and you get an ear full.) But she handles big things very well. So when she knew I was fed up she grew a halo. The nagging stopped, the mothering stopped etc. I didn't believe it was real at first because of our past. It March of this year when we started counseling. By the end of May I had to give my wife credit for her effort and decided (intellectually) that her effort deserved an effort on my part. I was worried that when I did the other shoe would drop and things would get bad again but she deserved the effort.
So I turned the corner and touched her for the first time since the middle of February. I met with the Other Woman and broker her heart. My wife and I had a great couple of weeks before the other shoe dropped as I feared. (Not like I expected there to be no consequence for my actions.)
So I knew I we had work to do if we were going to fix our marriage. I deserved whatever wrath I had coming. I was determined to give my marriage every chance. What I didn't expect was how messed up I would be for hurting the Other Woman. This kills me to this day and impacts everything. I also am discouraged by the lack of progress in dealing with the marriage issues. We have been consistently going to counseling and if feels like the marriage had returned to the cold and distant 'friend' relationship I had for 23 years.
Anyway, as many have said there are lots of details but you are probably already tired of reading.
The point is I wasn't looking for an affair. Was surprised when it happened. It happened with someone I had know for 6+ years so the qualities I see in her are much more than infatuation. (Infatuation is certainly a factor here, but what I see in her may be more founded that what others are attracted to that actually seek out an affair.)
So, I must admit that my situation reads a little different from the stories I have read in this forum so far. But I have only been poking around for a short time so correct me if I am wrong.
Anyway, this is my story and I'm not sure what the weeks ahead hold in store...
I look forward to your input.
I, too, am a romantic and feel that I could definitely be successful in a relationship with a man who was of my choosing. After a ton of research and reading on the subject, I definitely do not believe in the one-size-fits-all "every marriage should last forever" attitude. I am even getting skeptical of the hallowed adage that divorce is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a child. (Visit a family drug den on the streets of any city in the U.S., or a brutal child slavery ring in Africa/Asia, if you don't believe me. There are worse things than having two caring parents that love you, but happen to live separately.) I know well many miserably married couples who have "toughed it out" for decades, but it doesn't seem to have improved all that much for them. I'm in my early thirties, and more and more I feel like this is just a waste of a life, a life that could be SO much more fulfilling.
As other posters have said, we need to figure out what we really want. In my case, I am 99% sure that I want to divorce - I can't picture myself living the rest of my life with this man. I really can't. If there weren't kids, we would never have even been married). I mean, technically I could go on with it forever, enduring his emotional abuse and heartbreaking loneliness. But at what cost?
For me, the hard part is deciding when is the right time to divorce for the kids' and my sake. Is there ever a right time? Heh.
For you, is your desire to divorce tied to wanting to be with the other woman? If so, it may be good to wait it out a bit longer to see if that passion subsides. If you can envisage happiness of leaving a toxic spousal relationship, with or without your AP, divorce is not the horrible tragedy some make it out to be. It can be very freeing - seen it with my own eyes.
ExOM once told me that he wanted a D, had wanted one for years, but it just wasn't feasible without some emotional lifeboat waiting on the other side.
Yes, I know. What an asshole. And I continued to fall for his man (my problem, not his).
Anyway - if you're thinking along those lines, and be honest with yourself, then D might not be the answer. You have to be okay with being alone to even consider leaving a M, I think. Leaving for someone else is kicking the can down the street, so to speak.
Point is that I AM willing to be alone. I feel like I have burned a bridge with the wonderful woman that is the AP. While that is a crushing thought whenever I think about it and I am very much NOT over her. If my marriage ends and she is unwilling to have a relationship with me I will still be better off.
I think I have a lot to give and am determined to have a passionate relationship with someone. When my W was fighting for her marriage I truly believed that I could have that with her. Now that the marriage has decidedly turned south, in some ways worse than before all this started, I know that there is a VERY good chance that this whole things end with me being alone.
In some ways it would be best for me to be alone for a while before jumping in again anyway.
I would definitely try to have a relationship with the AP though. There is just a small chance she will be open to that. And who can blame her? I already hurt her once.