Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

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Letting Go

annie1
annie1

I'm just at the very start of this journey of letting go of my AP and I am finding it hard . I know it had to end , and even though the affair wasn't fully discovered , my husband received an anonymous phone call to tell him that I was seeing this other man . My husband private messaged him through face book , and my AP denied this was the case , as did I. My AP is separated and wants us to be together , but I know it can never be. He kept messaging to say that it's only me who has the power to do this , that he will stand by me etc . I can't put my children through what could come , and have been loving this double life for over 2 and a half years . I need to get myself back to being someone I like , and not carry around this guilt and shame , lies and deceit which I have done . I know I will miss AP so much , but I feel I need to protect everyone , as this will not end well if it's discovered or confessed . I need my life back, and need to try and make amends to my husband and be there for my kids. So hard , it's almost like an addiction to me , but I NEED to do this . Any positive ideas or help would be most welcomed . Thank you 

annie1
annie1
Gravinggirl , I had never really thought of me being his exit until you pointed it out . He did have a lot of issues in his marriage , said his wife was a big drinker and would cause a lot of problems with alcohol . I was never naive enough to believe it was all one sided though , even then . I don't know what that woman had to put up with or what life she really had , so I wouldn't judge her at all. I just know that he wanted me to leave , at whatever cost . As long as he had me . That made me feel he was so selfish that part , as he knew the anguish I was in about my family . I thought of auicide too , briefly , but I did think that it might be the only option at times , for me to get out of the pain . Thankfully I don't feel that way , and feel a bit stronger today . I want to make things work with my family and to be a better person and a happier person. The affair was my happiest and saddest time all rolled into one , if you understand what I mean .
Byzantine
Byzantine
I don't like thinking I could have just been lied to the whole time either, but have to accept it as a definite possibility. I know he made himself out to be the victim in his marriage by omitting some things, but would be kind of pissed if I found out he spit blatant lies like in graving's situation. It would make me not believe anything he said. I already realize it could be a bunch of crap he said to keep me around, but to catch him in a lie...oh, and btw my AP said similar things as yours, annie--slipping in that he had a plan to steal me, basically. And he would constantly remind me that he "waited" for me for 20 years when he didn't...he freakin ran around with several girls before getting married to one that kept contacting him whenever he supposedly was trying to get a hold of me. And he said he wants to get together in another​ 20 years if we stay apart that long again. I think them leaving it open like that makes it harder. If he told me he can't leave her or that we can't get together again (especially now), I think I would be putting more effort into severing my emotional attachment to him.
annie1
annie1
I think the more days I have no contact , the more I can think a little more clearly . I do get the moments and times when I feel like giving in and contacting him , but I'm confident I won't . I'm trying to focus on the positive stuff about the break up , and by that I mean I don't need a hundred browsers going on in my head at the one time , always thinking of when il speak to him , see him , what il say I am doing or where I am going to my husband. Thinking of it all makes me realise just how exhausting the whole thing was. !
gravinggirl
gravinggirl
I think almost all APs present themselves as the victim in the marriage for one of 3 reasons:

1. To justify the affair to themselves and to you and thus not feel guilty/ashamed.

2. Because a realistic view of the marriage is temporarily lost when feelings for someone else develop.

3. Because they are narcissists/sociopaths (less common, but in this case, you eventually find out there is no conscience underneath).

I think most of us would be surprised if we were flies on the wall in the AP's house.
Byzantine
Byzantine
It's scary how similar our experiences have been, when we think we have something so special and unique going on. How many times I've read about being told they love us. I wonder how often it was true. Are we just being lured? Is it just a game we are pawns in? Or is it emotions going haywire on both ends? It's so intense, trying to let it go is so difficult. I do like not having this worry in the back of my mind, as well as the anxiety wondering when I'll hear from him next. Also, leaving the house to see him and kissing my H goodbye, him telling me to"have fun" shopping...yes, I justified it by reminding myself I was a victim. I believe I am narcissistic but not a sociopath because my conscience nagged at me constantly. Idk, I'm just rambling at this point.
SunnySunshine84
SunnySunshine84
I sometimes wonder if I have become a sociopath after my history of abusive relationships and then my affair.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl
I tend to think people are born sociopaths or become one early. If you have a conscience, you aren't one. You might be jaded and justify some shitty things but have regrets.