It took me about 6 months after my affair was discovered to truly make a firm decision about how to move forward. In my case, I stayed, but it took time to build back lost feelings for my H. Like you, my family would have been absolutely crushed by a divorce, but that is not the only reason I stayed. I had a sense that it was what I was meant to do.

AP's actions helped me make a decision. I realized he was manipulating me and that I would never have real peace with him. I also realized I was repeating a pattern (codependency). In my opinion, an AP who presses you hard to leave your marriage has personality characteristics that will probably cause issues if you do leave for them.

I really don't know how you are going to rebuild your marriage while having to hide what was a serious 2 year affair. I am not advising you to tell or not to tell because that is a very personal decision. My D-day and what followed was absolute hell, but in hindsight, I don't know how I would have hidden that I felt I was in love with someone else and how far it had gone. I also don't know if my H would have gotten serious about creating a different kind of marriage without knowing where I was emotionally.

My best advice is to give yourself some time away from AP to regain perspective. Try not to compare the romantic feelings of the affair with the reality of a day to day marriage with kids. Also, see a therapist to talk it out openly.

Good luck!

Thank you for your reply , and your advice . I have felt manipulated by AP too , and if I ever said I wanted to finish , he would cry uncontrollably, hold his breath , tell me he had chest pain . All of this would send me into a panic and I would feel that I couldn't do this to him. So , I'd make him feel better by saying I wouldn't finish . I am still uncertain about what the future holds , but I am willing to do what it takes to try and work at my family life . The hardest thing is that my husband is a good man ,and a great father . We have had a lot of happy times too , and I really don't know what I was lacking , by having an affair . But I know I must have lacked something . In the end though, I feel I have lost who I am and that I want to move forward with my life . I do miss AP but I know that in order for anyone to heal , I have to do this . Hopefully il get my feelings back ( loving) ones , for my husband . I do feel guilty and shame about the whole situation , but today , I feel a bit more peaceful .

I had an affair for 3 1/2 years. I have loved being a part of this group, it has helped me in my healing process and it has meant so much to me to have people who understand that I truly am just trying to get better and move on.

I've gotten two pieces of advice here that have proved to be absolutely vital. The first was to have absolutely no contact. Not only does that mean to stop communicating with AP, but to not listen to songs that remind me of him, or go through old messages or photos, nothing that will put my mind back in that place. If you're going to move on, you need to place your focus on your husband and your family.

The other was to recognize that this is the end of a YEARS long relationship. I was in love with this man. I gave him a huge part of me. You will always mourn a relationship when it's over. And it will take time. The last time I saw my AP was just over a year ago, and the last time we had any communication was last summer. It took about 6 months before I stopped bawling my eyes out in the shower or closet. I still think of him every day, but I would never ever talk to him again. You have to give yourself time and know that it will be a long process.

Some people here have said it would help to think of the manipulation and feel free to get angry at him if that helps. For me, it doesn't work. He did plenty of awful things, and he is a sociopath and pathological liar, but I am just not the person who can hold onto hatred. But if it helps you to move on to be angry at him, I say go for it.

I know you said your husband doesn't know, and it is definitely up to you whether or not you tell him. For me, my husband got me through it. It's weird to think that my husband got me through the painful end of my affair, but he told me when we decided to stay together that he knew I would probably hurt for a while. He knew my AP was my best friend in the world, and that was really the hardest part for me. My husband and I cried together - a lot. Sometimes it was because he was hurting, sometimes it was because I was. But the first few months we were painfully honest with each other. We still struggle today, but our communication has gotten better. We're still working on getting those loving feelings back into our marriage, and fulfilling each other's needs, but I don't think he would be working as hard with me if he had never found out. Just my own experience.

Definitely stick around and ask questions and learn here. People here are great, and although I basically only come here to whine (haha) I really appreciate the wisdom here.

Annie I had a D-day (although it was 6 months after I ended the A). Do you not think your H has any suspicion at all about the A after getting the phone call? I can understand your not wanting him to know because I have unfortunately witnessed the pain and suffering it causes first hand and gravinggirl is right when she uses the word hell to describe it. It is hell for everyone...but from the ashes comes a new beginning and an opening of dialogue that was not present before.
Have you ended the A yet and stopped all contact? If not I am not sure how you can move on and try to focus on the marriage. It is virtually impossible. You need a clear head and to have AP totally out of contact to do this. It takes a very long time, persistence, hard work, tears, pain and more time to move on and work through the issues. It is an ongoing work in progress as we say here. Stick around and learn as you go along. I wish you much peace and strength for what you are going through. BTDT.

Thanks so much for both replies . It makes things a lot better to be able to chat with people who truly understand and have been through similar experiences. I have had no contact with AP for two days ,. Still early days I know , and so often I feel tempted . I need to get through this one day at a time . I know my husband was suspicious after the phone call , and when he confronted me , I was totally unexpecting it. I do believe he may feel it in his heart but seems to be accepting that I have said it's not true . I feel so sad about that. I don't feel angry towards. aP , I fell in love with him and feel sad for him too , as I know he will be taking this really hard too. The caring part of me wants to make sure he's ok , but I know I can't . Hopefully as the days go on I will feel stronger. So glad I found this group , thank you all for you kindness and suppprt x

You should feel sad about that. He suspects something and you threw him under the bus making him question any suspicions going on his head. His mind is probably a mess right now.

People that care and love each other don't play head games. That is what you are doing.

Your AP isn't all that, he's messing around with a married woman and uses manipulation tactics on her. He's a loser but your heart and head can't grasp that.

Decide what you want and stick to it. But only stay with your husband if you are fully ready to change and commit to him.

Thanks for your comments Jennifer.

You are welcome. Did you ever think it was your AP or someone he knew that gave that anonymous phone call?
Maybe he was manipulating the situation to work in his favor.

My former AP framed his actions as a demonstration of true love and how we were "meant to be," but once I got myself out of the situation, I was able to see how truly messed up it is to ask someone to break up their family in the name of romance (which changes over time anyway). At the time, you think about the distance in your marriage or what your spouse is not (and APs encourage you to think that way), as if you wouldn't end up in a similar place with your AP eventually.

I'm not entirely sure if this phone call was staged or even existed . I believe it was , but I guess I will never know for sure . It did pass my mind that it could be AP , he has denied this. He kept telling me only I had the power to make it work with him and finish with my husband. It became increasingly stressful, as he would say that I didn't love him enough . I told him I loved my kids and they would be devastated if the marriage ended as the result of an affair , he just kept saying he would stand by me . I do think my husband would have gone after him , and the end result could have been disastrous, violent , anything . I couldn't live with that , and I do know and accept responsibility for my actions and what I have done . It's my fault and no one else is to blame . So i need to get the help I need to get through this , and love and support my family . I know I will never get involved in an affair again

My situation is similar except AP is married too. She also makes it very difficult to leave, but like you I feel am being poisoned by the lies, the guilt, the deceit and the shame of it all. I don't have any good advice but you are not alone.

Welcome to CA.
I think you have the right idea taking it one day at a time. Ending an affair has a lot of ebbs and flows. I never realized how multifaceted affair recovery is. It was not only ending your affair, it is maintain NC, its mourning the loss of that relationship, deciding if you want to stay married, then making it work.
When I first came to DS I felt so trapped in my affair that I didn't know how to get out, all I knew was I felt suffocated and it needed to end. After a lot of trial and error I finally became free and I can promise you I am happier and more content than I've been in a very long time (but it took over two years to get to this place). And I couldn't have done it without the support of this group. There are a lot of amazing people here that can help you navigate affair recovery.
Make some friends, journal, vent.....we've all been there and we get it.

Annie-- I am also going through NC with my AP and my H not knowing. It is a struggle. It has been 11 weeks since I broke it off for maybe the tenth time in 5 months...like yours, he gave me all the control (and responsibility, and guilt), told me he would leave his W for me, and would do anything to make me happy after that. But I chose to be with my H, and am constantly fighting thoughts of my AP, comparing them, imagining a life with him, trying to remind myself of the destruction to his family that would come along with it. It is far from easy, but I feel that if my H found out that would be the end of our marriage because I couldn't deal with helping him recover. He cheated on me too years ago and it broke me. Like you, I have it made it seems, but I am still unsatisfied. I've always been like this, and would not have the emotional capacity to rebuild again with me being the guilty one this time. I have a therapist to talk to about this, but that's it. Well, and here...

The no contact is hard , I have been tempted so many times , but I know it's unfair on everyone , as it keeps all the wounds open . I feel that my AP jumped in and left his marriage , said it was because he was unhappy and wasn't to do with me . Now he said that it was me who gave him the confidence to leave . I never had any conversations with him in regard to him leaving his wife , and he was in the same position as I was when I met him . When he left her and got his own flat , I did feel guilty that maybe he wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for me , but I was too wrapped up in my own guilt and shame , in amongst the times that seemed so good , to really think of it . He told me he will never move on , will always be waiting etc , which I have asked him not to do . I am going to see a life coach next week to try and get some direction and help me move forward . I wish you well , it's so not easy . Sending hugs x

Annie, my AP did the same (said he left his marriage for me). I never agreed to that. We did not plan that. I was completely conflicted and anguished. I felt obligated to leave with him while also unable to break up my family. I ended up considering suicide to get out of the pain. One time, AP intercepted me in my neighborhood and said, "Let's just go, right now!" and claimed to be devastated that I couldn't just run off and leave my family at my house waiting for me to arrive for dinner. In reality, his marriage ended because his wife kicked him out for not having NC with me a couple months after D-day. He didn't leave FOR me.

There are a lot of men (and some women) of a certain age out there who want us to save them from their existential crisis and make it all okay. Maybe you were his exit affair. Nonetheless, you have to make a decision that reflects where you want your life to go.