I feel your temptation, everytime I get an email from my boss that is too my whole group, I scroll down and look at my AP's picture (We work together). I think that if you sent a donation for his mom, and kept it anonymous, then that would be for you and showing your respect to his mother. However please check with your husband, as he may not feel that is appropriate. Remember total opensess and honesty. Nothing to hide means nothing to fear. As Always Be Blessed - GaC.

The hard part for me is that we still have lots of mutual Facebook friends (even if he has blocked me per his wife's request) who will occasionally slip his name into a status or a comment. No one knows we had an A and so I am not going to delete them off FB just cause they are friends with him... There is also a race that I am running in July that I have been working very hard and training hard for...thing is...he may be one of the speakers and honored guests at the race. No one has told me not to run it and I want to run it because it's actually the first time I will be running my hometown race...bu because of even a remote possibility of him being there, do I not run? What if he is there and speaks to me? Waht if he declines an honor just because of me?Why should I let the A keep me from doing something I have wanted to do long before I met my OM? Ugh so many questions and so may thoughts. I yearn for any morsel of information on how he is doing. I seem okay on the outside to people and even to my hubby but inside I am still a wreck. So many confusing emotions...I love my OM but I want to hate him too...I don't care but I do care...I want to forget this all ever happened but I dont want to forget the great parts of our friendship before the sex got involved,

Gac- You are right with the $$$. I want total openness but he would want to know how I knew his mom died, etc. Even though it was a mutual friend that told me, I just dont want to go down that road.

JD - i know that is what I should do but dammit its hard. We did so much together even as friends, not as lovers, that there are memories everywhere...songs we listened to in the car, races done together, places that we went to as a group etc. that its hard to not think of him when certain songs come on or when I drive past certian places. And he is fairly respected in the running community so total avoidance is almost impossible. But I am glad to know that NC can be done, but each day so far has been a challenge.

JD - and thats why I love the people on here. you guys says the things I NEED to hear and not what I WANT to hear. And yeah, he will stay with his wife. Right when everything started to fall apart i asked him what he would do if the wife put the her or me choice in front of him and he was honest and say he cant walk away from several years of marriage and kids and everything he has known because he knew his friends, etc would support her over him. it was hard to hear and maybe part of the reason i fought to try to maintain even the friendship (which then led to my hubby finding out and then total NC)...I guess I believed my OM when he said we would always be together in some form and no matter what would always love me and that nothing could take away the bond we had as friends. And I suppose that some of that is true...just because we are total NC and both focusing on our marriages and moving forward doesnt mean that we wont still love and miss each other. and this experience will always be a part of me to learn from and look back on both with happiness and sadness. If by chance we do meet again, I dont know if I have the strength to not speak to him (especially without appearing rude if we share some of the same friends) but certainly have the wisdom to do nothing more than speak politely to him and leave it at that.

I agree with the distnace thing. My OM lives across the country and we only met in person 4 times for about 5 weeks combined but it was the constant FB, Skype, phone calls, etc that did us in. BUt since we run (haha) in the same larger circles (tahts how we met), there are still good chances that we may still end up inadvertantly at the same race or event. So unless one or both of us are willing to give up doing something we love, thats the chance we take. but with being across the country, its probably easier than being in the same town.

I don't mean to discourage you, but from reading your posts it sure doesn't sound like you are working on your marriage. Granted I am only seeing a small piece of the picture. I see a lot of lamenting on the good times with your lover and regret for the lost love. Nothing I've read sounds like remorse for the damage you have cause to your marriage or that of your so called friends marriage.

You have NO idea what I am doing to work on my marriage. The moment I was confronted and my husband expressed a desire to stay with me and work through this I was "working on my marriage." I choose EVERY day to turn my back on my OM and focus solely on my husband. this is the ONLY place I can express how I feel about mY OM because the cut off and D-Day was so recent (like a MONTH). that I am still working through everything and every confusing thought about my OM and my husband. Forgive me for sounding a little pissed but you have NO idea what I am going through and you have NO idea the steps I have been doing to focus on my marriage whie still working out of this fog. Every day I have to stare my husband in the face and see the love he still has for me and feel like the shittiest person in the world...especially because i still care about and worry about my OM. and have to reassure him every time i am online...and my OMs marriage was already shit when I met him. as crazy as this sounds, one of the last conversations my OM and I had was about how I actually helped SAVE his marraige. He realized through me how to handle his issues and how to let his wife in and his wife was able to see how i deal with him and to put her issues aside. I am not sorry for that. But I am sorry about the affair. and have to live with that. and I miss my love and my best friend and the memories we shared. is it so horrible that someone in my position could actually have feelings?

forgive my sarcasm and general bitchiness. Have not had a good day and have fought tooth and nail to stay NC especially because my husband is working late and so all i have is sitting around with my thoughts. But you dont KNOW squat about me or my situation. And I am sure you are trying to help. But sometimes all we need is just someone to listen and to get it out so I am not blurting this shit out to the world (hey kids...your new English teacher cheated on her husband. Let's read Romeo and Juliet).

I just need a hug...not judgement. and i feel thats what is coming from your post.

I want to encourage you to continue the good work with your NC. I thought that I expressed that I probably wasn't seeing the whole picture. I'm glad that you are doing the work to fix things. Just one more thing I would like to say and then I will excuse myself to preserve your safe place to vent. I'm sorry that what I said offended you and hope this won't either. Please do your best to not let your husband see you mourn missing the OM. Also I don't know if you are in IC but you might think about that to. Best of luck to you and your husband.

The first week is hard but in my experience it does get easier. Eventually you will have moments when you aren't thinking about your OM. Just stay strong and remind yourself why you are keeping your promise of NC.. your marriage, your husband, your children.

You will get through this!

Hey guys. I am back. I have just been having some busy moments and realy trying to focus. @fst i didnt meant to go off on you. I was having a really bad day. I understand where you are coming from though. I have been doing everything I can to not let my hubby see me mourning my OM. It has been getting easier but I do have my moments...I dont miss the physical affair but I mourn the friendship we shared. Its like mourning the real death of a friend. You have days where things go okay but then you hear their name or (today) the ringtone you had assigned them on someone elses phone, or someone else mentions them. And its all i can do to not just open up an email and say "hi...sorry about the death of your mom...sorry that your promotion that you were working so hard for didnt work" I have held it together but it hasnt always been easy. My marriage is doing really well and that is good. But there are moments when I feel like I am dying a little inside and I have to put on the happy face and not let it show. I try to journal but thats how my hubby found out about the A...he saw me writing in my journal and read it after i went to work. so i am almost scared to do that now.

Thank you guys for the support. I am finding myself becoming stronger and focused on my marriage and finding other things to focus my energy on, but they dont always fill the hole in my soul where the pain still resides.