The good news is, he should get better. But does sound like he's stuck in his own healing. Happens to BSs from time to time. One of the realities of a situation like this is if a CS only has an emotional affair, it can be difficult for the BS to suspect that more happened, that it is really a full physical affair. If his "gut" is telling him there is more, that you're not telling him the whole truth, it would be easy for him to feel stuck in this mode of not trusting you. Which makes every action that appears to be hiding something, like turning your phone upside down, a trigger verifying his lack of trust.

I'm not sure that should have started a 45 minute discussion. A simple, "Oh, sorry, didn't think about that. I've nothing to hide. Here, look at it all you want," then hand him the phone, should have resolved the issue and prove you have nothing to hide.

The down side for you is if it happened as you say, proving a PA didn't happen is difficult. How do you prove something didn't happen? The only route is by lack of evidence and opportunity, which it sounds like is the case. He may feel you had opportunity at the conference, maybe while everyone was asleep or something. While opportunity was limited, it is not possible to rule out a PA completely. How would he know whether the man ever visited your town and you two met up covertly? He doesn't.

Is it a form of control? Sure. When a BS discovers an affair, it is something that feels out of their control. Decisions about the marital intimacy were made without their knowledge. What the BS thought was shared only between you two, he suddenly finds out was given to another behind his back. Staying hyper-vigilant is a form of control.

But there are instances when the BS uses this control to control the spouse due to moral authority, to justify their own sins. You can't bring up something like his insensitivity or whatever without getting the affair card played to divert the issue.

It can be hard for BSs to divide their part in the marriage breakdown from being blamed for the affair. True, his distance made you more vulnerable, made an affair more tempting, but that doesn't justify having the affair, or cast blame upon the BS for the CS's decision to have or allow one. So a lot of BSs tend to shy away from dealing with the marriage problems, especially right at first. But he should have been well beyond that by now. For some, the affair can be a wake up call to the BS to motivate them to make the marriage better. However, some toss the whole of rebuilding onto the CS, not realizing they may not be to blame for the affair, but they do have a part to play in rebuilding the *marriage* after an affair. One spouse, all by themselves, cannot do it, not matter how perfect of a CS they are being post discovery.

Question: Aside from counseling, has he read up much on what is involved in his healing? I have three articles on "Healing Steps for the BS" if he is open to reading them.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3895379
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3914953
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4008020

But the fact is you can't control what he does. All you can do is make the path clear for him to heal, to do your necessary part in rebuilding trust. Yes, I have an article on that too:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4974162

I'd focus on making sure you've been as transparent as possible, as that would be the only way for him to eventually come to the point of believing nothing more did happen, most likely. How long that will take for him depends upon a lot of things. But if he is free to pick up your phone at any time and look at messages and pictures, look at your emails, log into your FB or other social network accounts (without abusing it, of course), and you've shared with him all relevant info on the affair and interactions with this person, you've told him your dreams, your hurts, your struggles, if he's willing to listen to them, and have had no more contact with this online friend, you've done most of what you need to do. If not all that is true, it may be what is keeping his gut telling him, "She's hiding something from me. She hasn't told me everything. Something's still going on."

That and rekindling the romance between you two can help. If he's open to it, reading together "His Needs, Her Needs" can help. But that would require him to understand that working on the marriage to reduce vulnerabilities is not the same thing as saying those vulnerabilities caused the affair. Lots of people experience temptations to move into affair territories because not everything is going well with the marriage, but don't do it. But having a renewed romantic spark in the marriage will make the work and healing of rebuilding work better, like putting oil in an engine.

Sorry for the long post. The reality is this is likely a complex issue with him, and we are all taking our best guesses what may be the issue(s) involved. But none of us are his therapist. We aren't getting his side of the story. There is a lot we don't know. So take what you believe may apply and work from that perspective.

And may the Force be with you. :)


The only other thing you can do is through being fully transparent.

I don't think it was an affair either. Not even an emotional affair, depending on what kind of things you were discussing. If it was, "Yes, let's get together, let's be lovers," then it was an emotional affair (EA). If it was, "I am grateful for your support; I really feel that you understand my situation," then it wasn't an affair, just a meaningful friendship. It seems obvious that your husband's issues with trust and control will stand in the way of rebuilding your relationship. I also believe that you will get more benefit from individual counseling than from marriage counseling, and I hope you will pursue that option.

You know what I see......abuse.....abusive behavior by your H. This does not justify you having an affair. But withholding affection, saying you can't handle the emotional stuff in front of you esentially saying you are less than everything else in his life, rolling in at 2 am(are you so sure he wasn't having an A cuz I was thinking that) and blantanly making his aboslute last item on his list....really. He is controlling every aspect of your life and you are letting him. BS or not he has no right to continue as if he had no part in making you and your marriage vunerable to an A. This has been 4 years. It is not only him that can make a decision, so can you. Only you can decide when enough is enough.

I too see abuse.

This is going on for 4+ years and you've had problems prior to you talking with this co worker. You say he was abused as a child, you feel like you're walking on eggshells, he's withholding affection, his views on adoption are just cruel and sickening - adoption is a very beautiful thing - and these children are NOT cast-offs, and the fact that he is not moving forward with signing papers to move the process along is yet another way he is having control over you and your marriage.

He said - "..he checked out.." He is only thinking of himself.

I know how hard this will be to wrap your head around because the beginning of your marriage sounded a lot like mine did - we were everything to each other, best friends, loved each other, very connected on every level. Here's the thing, he has issues that he is not dealing with. Probably because he does not see that HE has any problems. Your little convo with the co worker is all the ammo he needs to keep you hooked and feeling guilty and like you owe him.

Before considering couples/marriage counseling, Please, consider ready the Physical and Emotional Abuse boards here. You may find it eye opening and answer a lot of your questions and validate what you're feeling.

I am so sorry for your family's loss and for your struggles with infertility.

Sending you hugs,

I haven't read the responses and so I'm responding to your post only. You seem to minimize the emotional A and that is what it was. If my H minimized his actions then I think our healing process would be much much slower.

I think the first thing you might want to do is enter or re-enter mc and learn to really hear what he is saying. Understand the level of betrayal a bs feels when their H/W reaches out to and forms a secret relationship with another. The pain goes very deep and unless the cs takes the proper actions to deal with it and help their bs heal, the rebuilding will not work well m

That said, the bs also has responsibility in the rebuilding process. They need to find a place of forgiveness and find a way to work through their anger and resentment. Daily punishment is not productive and he needs to dig deep and figure put exactly what he needs from you to help him heal and you need to consider reading some books on the subject. One in particular the both bs and cs have highly reccomendeda manual on heinz your spouse heal from your infidelity. (I rely on other members to give the specific name of this book as I have a shitty memory).

Rebuilding and healing from infidelity is possible but will take a lot of work.

As an advocate of rebuilding, I wish you luck.
Pink

It is interesting to read about the diversity of opinions each of you offers based on your own perspectives. I just wanted to take a moment to thank each of you for responding. It truly helps.....

If he does not understand or even try to understand his behavior before the A and accepts no responsibility then how can you move forward? I agree that his behavior is controlling and abusive. You guys need to revisit the reason you reached out to someone else and what EACH of you can do to correct that. I wouldn't allow him to hold this over my head forever.

I can offer a little insight from a BS perspective. What you are having to deal with is difficult. I dont know what your M was like pre A, however, the feelings that come with a betrayal run so deep, specially if your emotional A was lenghy. We feel we have lost control of our marriage, ourselves & our lives. We fear that everything we know is now a lie. Seems even though it's been almost 2 years? Since D day, he hasnt found comfortable ground to stand on. He's allowing his fears to control him, which makes him feel out of control, so he then tries to control your actions.

IMO, IC can help. If he is aware how his actions are affecting you & if he wants to get past this maybe he will be willing to go.

I struggled with letting go of this same "control" for well after a year past D day. It's a self preservation mode we go into to be prevent ourselves from ever going through this pain again.

He does need to learn to get past this, have you asked him if you have gained his trust back?

Isitjustme21 thank you for your perspective - it is helpful. No I have not gained or earned back his trust and in turn I struggle with my own trust issues. I fear him abandoning me to his life and career, I don't trust that he won't fly out of control in rage....I just don't trust that he will ever look at me again the way he used to. I know that my EA has permanently changed us - but I'm not sure if he stays because I'm a great cook, the house is clean and we have physical chemistry OR if he truly loves me. I don't receive compliments - ever - so I'm not sure. I get so confused about all of this. There are times when I feel that everything is just all my fault but certainly that can't be completely true. Don't they say it takes two to tango?

Tonight I tried talking to him a bit about what was going on prior to the EA and it seems like at every turn he justifies his actions. I just can't get him to stop - to hear me - to acknowledge what I'm telling him and then together to find a way to move on. I have to admit that it frustrates me terribly. I want to be heard - I want to be acknowledged.

Hoo hum - not sure what to say.

I can understand how frustrated you are. It takes two to make marriage work, you H needs to be apart of thr healing of your M. In my opinion, he needs to heal himself before he has the capabilities help heal your M. I know when some people try to explain that each spouse is responsible for 50% of the issues when relating to an A, there were times i felt as though i was suppose to carry some blame for his A. NO way. However, i was willing to accept i was at fault for many of our problems. I was and still am sensitive to the way that message is put across.

No matter what issues i was responsible for in our M, in no way did what i did wrong contribute in any way to his A. I will accept full responsibility for our issues, my lack of patience, my stubbornness, etc. during or right before his A i begged him to go to counseling to help fix us, he refused. He refused to help fix us in many way, and then having an A just crippled us.

What i'm saying is be sensitive to how you place blame on him. He should take responsibility for his contribution to your problems prior to your A. Clearly, he has a lot more self healing to do. I too recall needing to "fix" the A before i could work on any of our M problems. Once i felt safe enough, only then were we able to work on our other issues. Which still now, 19 months past D day, are a major issue in our M.

Good luck, i sure hope he is willing to go to MC or IC. My H only goes because i want him to, but it's something. You deserve to be heard.