My wife did way more than that, and it was more recent, and we are rebuilding and I don't punish her. I suspect this is not about the affair any longer, but about his keeping power and leverage to get his way. Sounds like the relationship in 2009 is being used to justify not making your current relationship better.

Why do you stay?

What was your marriage like before the emotional affair? You say you were reaching out to someone, anyone who would listen at the time. I'm not saying what you did was right. However, your husband does sound like he is using this to have some control over you.

Feel free to send me a message if you'd like.

Hugs,

It is very interesting that you both stated he is grasping for control. I truly believe he is trying to control the current situation because he felt as though he had no control over my actions, over me having an emotional affair. In truth I believe he did have control. He had control over himself, his actions, his love, his devotion, etc. He just refuses to see that he had any role or part in what happened – he is still playing the victim.

My husband and I were married in 2002 and were married for 7 years prior to the affair. We had ups and downs and typical struggles any new marriage endures but we were close, very close - best friends. My husband and I did everything together with many common interests and even worked with one another. By the time 2009 rolled around he had advanced within his career to an Executive level. His interest became purely financial and professional. Money flowed like water and the professional gains were noted by all. He started changing - wanting to dress to impress his colleagues, wanted a certain style of home with travertine tile flooring, wanted either a Land Rover or a Hummer, etc. This was a man who formerly liked his jeans and ball cap, his pick-up truck, and loved our home, and would fish and hunt.

I think some would say we grew apart, some might say we matured, etc....I just always saw the man I loved and wanted so desperately. I remember that within that year he didn't kiss me - not once. Prior to that I cherished his kiss above anything else, so for him to withhold that just made me feel more alone. He told me in front of my sister-in-law, "...Thank goodness you're (sister-in-law) here for my wife to speak too. Frankly I just can't deal on that emotional level right now, let's just say I checked out." To further things we are unable to have children and were looking into Adoption. He would commit to the process but then could never sign documentation to bring it to the next level. I finally asked him why and he said "why would I want to adopt some other countries cast-offs." Might I mention that I was adopted; I was someone else's cast-off as well and was fortunate enough to be adopted by a wonderful family! My Grandmother, the Matriarch of my family was diagnosed with Stage 4 terminal cancer and was gone two weeks later. The day she passed I found out my Mom had breast cancer. My husband passed me up for a promotion at work not based on merit or worth but due to the fact that I was his wife. It was a disaster. It was devastating. What started with this man as idle chit chat and professional courtesy grew. He listened. Was it a healthy friendship/relationship? Obviously not. He saw that I was vulnerable. He was smart enough to know exactly what I needed to hear and he used that vulnerability to get what he needed out of the relationship. We were both using one another. It was obvious it was exploitation.

Throughout that entire time frame with my personal and professional life tanking I never gave up on my husband. NEVER! I nurtured him in every way I could. I was throwing myself at him constantly – new haircuts, new clothes, new lingerie, makeup, dates with him, candles, romance, anything….anything I could think of. I would cook his favorite dinners and wait for him for hours and he wouldn’t make it through the door until 2:00 am and say that he had problems at work and had eaten with some of our coworkers. I accepted it all and did my best to continue the loving and supportive role I always provided for him.

Post affair: the relationship again has had it’s ups and downs. To say that he was distraught or mistrustful is an understatement. There was a total lack of trust and he insisted that I had a physical affair. I actually had a polygraph taken which I passed as continued proof that there was no physical affair. The man with whom I chatted lived in a different country. We saw each other once at a conference and frankly we barely spoke – our coworkers, my husband etc. were all in attendance – nothing happened. My husband tried desperately to control my every action until about mid-2011. I thought much of this was behind us. I guess I rationalized that there would always be some triggers as my husband was diagnosed with PTSD based on the abuse he endured as a child which my affair additionally contributed to.

I guess I’m just wondering….how long does this last? I do feel as though I’m being punished. I know that I punish myself for what I did and have a very difficult time forgiving myself. I hate that it is years later and my every move is still questioned. I just forgot how I set my phone down…I didn’t think. Uuugh I don’t know……

exactly what goingtobeok and notmyself said

and you are getting here a perspective from both sides (BS and CS)

are you going to couples therapy?

If it is not totally evident by my last post - I have always loved my husband. Always. Not for one second did I not love him. I wanted him so much and just couldn't seem to find that connection with him. He just wouldn't let me in. Even with the man I had the emotional affair with, I would speak to him about my husband and my desire to be with him, it was always about my husband and just trying to find some way to hold on without getting a divorce or without having a physical affair.

To be honest, at the time I never considered what I was involved with an emotional affair. I didn't think I was involved in an affair. I was wrong;

We went to couples therapy for about a year and got to a point where we would go in and have nothing more to discuss with the therapist. Not in a bad way, in a way that showed our progress and communication level had increased. He went to private therapy for several years and continues to see a Psychiatrist. I can say that it seems like when his stress level increases so do the control issues.

Ok, I will likely be outnumbered here but I would not consider it an affair either (I cannot quite believe I am saying this as a BS). It might have been inappropriate and wrong but in my book it does not constitute and affair. So there. Of course one might argue it is semantics and the point of the matter remains.

Which does not mean it did not hurt your husband.

However - he needs to be actively present it the rebuilding as well.......

I think he needed to be actively present all along. :) That was probably the best phrasing I've heard in all the years post affair.

it does not look like you should have been done with the therapy

the very thing you are addressing here is a material for a lot of therapy sessions

perhaps change the therapist?

I'm going to revisit therapy with my husband and if he doesn't want to go, I believe I'm going to.

I think I get slightly frustrated because in that first year of therapy it was about my husband healing his pain and we could never address what had happened to lead up to the affair. Those topics were off limits. Again, I believe that he wanted to admit no fault. It's as if he believes that one day I woke up and said: "today I feel like having an affair!" Which for me is not at all how any of this happened and or started.

You said: "I guess I’m just wondering….how long does this last? I do feel as though I’m being punished. I know that I punish myself for what I did and have a very difficult time forgiving myself. I hate that it is years later and my every move is still questioned. I just forgot how I set my phone down…I didn’t think. Uuugh I don’t know……"

It last a long long time until you deal with what it really is. It is not punishment for the affair any more. It is an excuse. It is the same problems you had before the affair now with a ostensible reason for his distance.

It is not lasting because of the affair (and I say this as a person cheated on who hates infidelity!)

Humor me for a second. Had you not had this relationship, what would your marriage look like today? Seriously, based on the path y'all were on what would this Halloween evening look like between you two? How much intimacy would you have had this week? Would you two be planning anything this weekend?

I see you as having two options:

1- Move away from the marriage and towards separation or divorce. Assure him there is no affair, but your not happy. He will think its because of an affair and encourage him to dig, give him access. Go see and attorney and draw up plans to leave him. In the meantime, read about the 180. It is a technique us cheated on use to survive. We move away from the cheating spouse. Follow a similar strategy to disengage. Perhaps he will see how serious you are and will get it and try to change. If not, you have at least made it a long way down the road of getting out of the dead end marriage.

2- Seek different therapy, and control it. Do not let it be about the affair. Look for an Imago therapist. Make it all about connecting again. Interview the therapists first to make sure they have good couples therapy experience, or look for an Imago certified one.

Whatever you do, don't settle for this.

I second Imago therapy! They have weekend workshops for couples.

Not sure about reverse 180 though. Perhaps if Imago/other therapy doesn't work. Even if I don't define it as an affair (and boy don't I wish that this is all my husband had......) your husband still FEELS like BS. Likely greatly exacerbated by his PTSD. I would be concerned that he will think you are cheating on him again.

I meant to say they EVEN have weekend workshops for couples.

And no that last statement was not meant to sound judgmental - I know that each of us find ourselves in different circumstances for different reasons - just talking about my circumstances.

That just it - I go so far out of my way to avoid any possible though that I could be cheating on him. When I mentioned I watch everything I say and do and feel like I walk on eggshells that's the precise reason. I do not want to accidentally look at another man the wrong way because the sun is glaring in my eyes and blink and have my husband think I'm checking him out and that I winked at him. But living in this state of hyper-vigillance is just killing me. Even at work, I try to limit my contact with male co-workers, I don't talk about anything personal, I don't joke, I'm not overly helpful, etc. If you knew me those are the last qualities you would say I have. I just don't ever want to be accused of having another affair.

MY NEXT STATEMENT IS WRONG - I almost feel as though if I have had to be punished for years for having this "affair" then I should have done the crime so to speak. I just never could on any level. That's just me and who I am.

I appreciate all of your comments very much and I will look into both the lmago therapy and the 180 technique.