He may actually be quite decent to his wife. They may have a fairly 'normal' marriage. Having that perfect family image allowed my OM to look much less like a psychopath to much of the community. That way he could privately pursue his cravings for 'transgression, risk and variety', as described in your article, while maintaining the 'correct public image".

Wow, Notmyself--I read several articles on the psychopathyawareness site and was blown away. Claudia Marcovici is an authority on the subject; I have seen several references to her works. These articles really do explain how the disordered and controlling mind works. There are a lot of terms to describe it--narcissism etc. and the umbrella term, BPD. There is little hope for anyone involved with one of these people. No, they cannot change if someone loves them enough; the love just feeds the wolf. Unfortunately, my OM is involved with the Queen of Narcissism and she is slowly eating him alive. And there's nothing I can do about it, because he chooses to continue to be in denial. Anyway, I thought I already knew a lot about psychopathy/the disordered mind, but this site has numerous articles that really treat the subject in depth. Uncomfortable to read, but very enlightening.

I've been reading a bunch of the articles throughout the site. OM fits the bill on some of them. It's so disturbing. Quorazon - i cant find it but what does BPD stand for - bipolar disorder?

I have known X since 1984 and been married to him since 1985 and he has not changed, just gotten worse. Abusers generally don't change. I also though that if I just loved him enough, somehow things would be OK, but not at all!

Borderline personality disorder, I think.

Yes. That's him to a tee...I have been researching this stuff forever...

Yes, that's what BPD stands for. I found a lot of info here on DS, and you can also do a general online search. There are 9 criteria. If a person fits 5 or more, a diagnosis of BPD is justified. BPD is also an "umbrella" term, and narcicissm, avoidant personalities, and sociopaths all fit under it. But all that is very cut and dried. The articles on psychotherapyawareness with the link provided by Notmyself go into the subject in greater depth.

It is an even deeper and scarier thing than I first thought. I also posted a link to another book in my journal a few entries ago--can't remember the name, but I'll re-post it here. And somebody in the Infidelity group posted a really excellent item--I'll post it here as well.

These people really have no soul, and so they feed on the souls of others. It's not their "fault," if you want to put it that way; rather it stems from sexual, emotional or physical abuse in childhood. They suffered so much damage that they can never really heal. That is very sad, but it doesn't justify their abusive treatment of others.

"They have no soul"... That really breaks my heart :(

He was abused as a child - emotionally and physically by his older sister.

This whole thing devastates me.

Do they ever have "lucid" moments where they mean what they say? I just cant wrap my head around the fact that he never meant anything he said.

the article sounds like my H.

Re-posting my Feb 2 journal entry here with the link to the book:

"I came across a new book about narcissism: Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, by Sam Vaknin. It's at Barnes & Noble or Amazon. Apparently, it is a classic in the field. It is certainly different from other books & articles I have read on the subject. First off, it is written from the point of view of the self-proclaimed narcissist. The book is lengthy and expensive, so I just ordered an e-copy of the excerpts for $5.99. :-)

I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in the subject. I guarantee it will provide a better analysis than any other book you may have read. It delves into the dynamics of the narcissist's relationships with the victim. You can get an idea of what it's all about just by reading the description of it on the Amazon or B&N website."

Reading Vaknin was what first woke me up to who I had been dealing with. I had no idea, but it all fit so well I can't claim any of it came as a shock. Deeply frightening doesn't even begin to describe it. Having had my throat squeezed by someone like that, I felt lucky to have come out alive.

Mental note: must remember to remember this when my addictive brain thinks it misses him.

Being a pathological Narc, Sam isn't satisfied with having only the readers who can afford his book. Much of his stuff is also available free on his website: http://samvak.tripod.com/

Sam is also a N, so is not trustworthy. I have his book. y. I am reading a book called "In Sheep's Clothing," which is by a psychologist George Simon. It is good and is written by a mental health practioner. Another good book about abusers in general is "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Abusive And Controlling Men," by Lundy Bancroft.

I'm sorry notmyselfi, I wish I could give you something hopeful, but a person with a PD is a person with a PD. And I truly feel that X never loved me. And it is not his fault that he has a PD. And yes, he had a horrible childhood, but that doesn't make it OK for him to abuse anyone, just like me deep pain doesn't make it OK for me to have relationships with married men.

Just hope he keeps not calling or E-mailing me! Two days of No Contact!