A whole new perspective, hey? This was my OM too. Particularly the bit about collecting women and offspring as possesions. He was never as angry as the last night when I told him I had chosen a morning after pill pver bearing him a child. That earned me being strangled to the edge of passing out, then shoved out of his truck. And he still managed to see himself as a victim.

OMG fiber! I had no idea. That's horrible!! Let me tell ya this article is frightening. If OM is a psycho, how could i not have known?? I always made excuses for his behavior. I felt he was sexually expressive, adventurous, certainly not boring or mundane. I justified him pulling back and going into hiding for a few days after we were together as his way of dealing with the fact that he really loved me and was just gathering his thoughts to deal with the fact that we aren't a couple. He missed me so much and couldn't deal with his overwhelming emotions for me/us.

Wow. It's scary to think there are people out there like this. I have never known anyone like this. I mean its crazy! He says stuff to me straight out of this article!! How he thinks its cute and admirable that i have such good morals and im such a goody two shoes, like June cleaver! How i believe in ... Til death do us part, with one person.... He said thoughts like that are nice but unrealistic. Wtf?!?!?

My head is spinning right now.

I hear you on the moralty thing. I worked for OM answering his phones his rule was Never Apologize For Anything. His psycho partner shared that rule so they would laugh at me or give me shit all the time. He bought me a balloon for my birthday that said "I'm sorry", poking fun at my humanity.

I got blasted one day when I called a client and she told me her husband had recently passed away. Of couse I responded "I'm sorry."

And I was still on the phone with her while he laughed at me loudly and yelled "why are you apologizing? Did you kill her husband?"

Sociopath :(

You're serious?? Thats insane! What a horrible thing to say.

Are people so cold and calculating? Am i just too old fashioned and naive? I always try and find good in people. This whole article is extremely disturbing to me :(

While I can't identify with this article, I am glad you found something that speaks to your situation. Keep reading and find your truth.

I read an article right after dday about the OW. It was hard to read but it pointed out what I had not been willing to see. I read it over and over.

There are things out there to help us with all our challenges in life. I am a firm believer in reading. Knowledge is power.

Since X has been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, and according to my neurologist a pertson with a PD is a person with a PD. Basically, they all kind of act alike. So yeah, I'll raise my hand when asked "Have you been married to this man?" I have also known one other person who has a PD as well.

Don't mean to be unkind about with a PD, but it is best to avoid them. They will never change.

Is a person like this incapable of truly loving someone? Is everything they say a lie just to manipulate and get what they want? That's incredibly sad. I always felt that OM was the way he was because of his troubled childhood and never was really loved unconditionally by anyone. I believed him when he told me his feelings because he said he never really opened up like that to anyone because people were always hurting him.

People like this cant change if someone really did love them though?

Im so sad. All this time. I considered leaving my H because of the things OM said to me. I believed that since i did stray, that was a sign that something was wrong and we were meant to find each other.

Wow. I dont know what to believe anymore. Or who to believe.

I haven't had a chance to read the article yet but I have read through your replies..and I think that some people only have a level to which they can love..it's like being on a scale of 10 and only making it to 5...
Heard

Yes, these people can change, theoretically, but no, not by being loved enough. He would first have to be willing to see himself as having this flaw before he will ever consider looking for a solution, and he will not see himself in that way.

You and I can examine our own behavior and say 'this is not okay, I need to work on that'. We can self evaluate, see ourselves honestly and then find whatever tools we need to fix our stuff. But when you go back to the article it is correct in stating "Because of this absolute and fundamental narcissism, a psychopath can’t change and, most importantly, he doesn’t want to change. He inhabits a fantasy world–which becomes more real than reality for him and those he manages to brainwash –whereby truth and falsehood hold only instrumental meaning and where morality is just an outdated fiction for the narrow-minded and weak.

He won't change because he has no desire to. What motivates change? Fear of loss maybe, or a desire for something better or deeper. If he faces losing a person he just writes that person off as having been too weak to keep up with him. He finds a replacement who will see him the way he wants to see himself, and the last one disappears from his mind. He's constantly trading up for something 'better' without any real sense of value, so what could possibly motivate him to change? Nothing.

Most of us are narcissistic to some degree or another. There's a great little test online, the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, here: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm It's worth taking the quiz to better know yourself, but it only takes a quick look to know what kind of answers would come from a Pathological Narc. Well worth checking out.

Another good site is The Narcissistic Continuum http://n-continuum.blogspot.ca/2012/04/healthy-narcissism-or-pathological.html Loads of good information and perspective there to help you understand what you're really dealing with.

notmyself, I'm sorry that you are coming to this realization after making an investment with this man. I really do know how that feels. I hope these links will help you to feel less duped, or less foolish for having been duped. These people are masters at what they do.

Thanks fiber for the links too. I'll read through them. I feel like such a fool. I deserve it i guess. I did cheat. I just cant believe it all if this is who he really is. Im mortified. :(

Yes, these people can change, theoretically, but no, not by being loved enough. He would first have to be willing to see himself as having this flaw before he will ever consider looking for a solution, and he will not see himself in that way.

You and I can examine our own behavior and say 'this is not okay, I need to work on that'. We can self evaluate, see ourselves honestly and then find whatever tools we need to fix our stuff. But when you go back to the article it is correct in stating "Because of this absolute and fundamental narcissism, a psychopath can’t change and, most importantly, he doesn’t want to change. He inhabits a fantasy world–which becomes more real than reality for him and those he manages to brainwash –whereby truth and falsehood hold only instrumental meaning and where morality is just an outdated fiction for the narrow-minded and weak.

He won't change because he has no desire to. What motivates change? Fear of loss maybe, or a desire for something better or deeper. If he faces losing a person he just writes that person off as having been too weak to keep up with him. He finds a replacement who will see him the way he wants to see himself, and the last one disappears from his mind. He's constantly trading up for something 'better' without any real sense of value, so what could possibly motivate him to change? Nothing.

Most of us are narcissistic to some degree or another. There's a great little test online, the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, here: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm It's worth taking the quiz to better know yourself, but it only takes a quick look to know what kind of answers would come from a Pathological Narc. Well worth checking out.

Another good site is The Narcissistic Continuum http://n-continuum.blogspot.ca/2012/04/healthy-narcissism-or-pathological.html Loads of good information and perspective there to help you understand what you're really dealing with.

notmyself, I'm sorry that you are coming to this realization after making an investment with this man. I really do know how that feels. I hope these links will help you to feel less duped, or less foolish for having been duped. These people are masters at what they do.

Sorry for the double post, using a friends gimpy computer.

notmyself, nobody deserves what this kind of person is dishing out. It's just crazy. Do you think you would have cheated with anyone other than this particular man? Most days I'm pretty sure if it hadn't been the OM it would't have happened

heard, I think you may be right about some people only being able to love to a certain level. My therapist said the OM had commitment issues. I think that may have been what she meant. I read about 4 levels of love and he seemed to get to 2 of them and then bail out.

Fiber
I can honestly say i dont think i would've cheated. I've never cheated in my life. Not even on bf's. let alone being a M woman and breaking my vows. :(
He was very charming. Kept pursuing and played on my sympathies saying how miserable his M was. He would put my H down and bad mouth him. He barely knew him!! He was a real charmer and just seemed to say all the right things. All along i would tell him to stop. We can't cheat on our spouses. We took vows. He said its cute that i want to be all faithful but its not realistic.

I feel even more horrible for his W. he would bad mouth her from the very beginning. It was actually quite sad. I can only imagine what she has to deal with. OM would always say shes very insecure, questions him all thur time.... Red flag right there