I think it is because most of the time the person who cheats really does not realize that they are not happy or missing something (because usually they are not anymore than the other person is) until they meet someone who attracts them. Then they start to feel unhappy and sometimes it can feel like it is almost everything about their spouse that is making them unhappy and the only answer is outside the marriage. It is very difficult for them to say anything to their spouse because they don't really know what it is and don't understand the feelings they are having. Your husband probably thought you would just always be there and losing you was not something he planned on, but when faced with losing you he realized how very much he loved you.
This is such a common thing and seems like it should be so avoidable, but in reality it is much more difficult than it sounds. You can read countless stories about people who have been sure they would never cheat, understand why it happens, and yet still, when they are immersed in the emotions, succumb, and later cannot understand how it happened.

I thought I was fine with what was missing in my relationship until I was offered it by another man. When I cheated I was so ashamed because I would have never thought I was capable of it. I never realized my unhappiness because I had suppressed it to make sure my XBF was happy. In my mind his needs were always more important than mine. He didn't make me feel that way, that's all on me. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. I couldn't tell him I was unhappy. I couldn't make his life harder, so I made mine harder. Now I see that in the end my attempt to protect what he needed only hurt us more. I realize that he did not need a person that was half in the relationship, but unfortunately both of us had been half in the relationship for some time. I also could not communicate with him the way I should have been able to. That lack of communication set up a barrier neither of us could pass. I did alot of things out of fear, insecurity and confusion. None of that excuses what I did, but it's all the reason I have. I couldn't talk to my XBF and I guess that should have been a big red flag. If I had recognized it sooner, this may never have happened. I don't know if this helps you, but it's what I have discovered about myself looking back and analyzing what went wrong. I wish you the best in working on your relationship.

Thank you, I think we are all trying to find a place to belong in this world ,I don't think any one sets out to hurt the people he or she loves ,I have hear all kinds of things like men were not born to be monogamous stuff like that but the more I read about the others side and my husbands side I think sometimes everyone gets lost along the way ,and in your in over your head before you realize it ,being emotional creatures,sometimes it's everything we want other times its disasterous.

I did tell my H that I was not happy. I practically begged him to do things together and try to reconnect. It fell on deaf ears for reasons only he knows. It's still not an excuse to cheat and I never set out to hurt him. We are still working thru many issues.

You said in your topic that he treated you like a roomate and sometimes worse like a doormat. To me his actions spoke louder than any words could have. Did you confront him and ask him what was wrong and why he treated you like that? It seems that would have opened up the door for him to tell you what he was feeling (obviously he had some issues as shown in his actions toward you).
My ex H's personality and demenor changed so much that I had to confront him. It was obvious that something was wrong for him to act the way he did. He was miserable around me but mr happy go lucky around our friends. It just didnt make sense.

I also told him in many ways for several years that something was wrong, but like mats, it fell on deaf ears. If he put as much time & energy into our marriage as he did making the yard look perfect, then maybe things would have been different. I really think that most of the time it all comes down to communication. You are absolutely right though, tell them & leave if you really have to before going astray.

I think that the actions of a person that cheats are selfish. My ex-H cheated on me for a period of 8 out of 10 years. He never showed one sign of being unfaihful, he slept well, we got custody of his daughter, we got married got pregnant bought a house together and before our son's 2nd b-day I found out that he was cheating with a frined of ours wife. She was natoriuous for being that way, now they are unhappy alcoholics stuck with one another, my son is with me, his daughter is back with her mother, 4 days after I found out. Really these people need help about what is wrong in themselves and stop being self-destructive and destructive to other people as well, we are all human and need to become unified, stuff like this makes that impossible

Two things to bear in mind are (1) very few people actually plan to have an affair, and (2) even fewer people plan on getting caught.

Speaking for myself (and I can't speak for anyone else), I entered into my (emotional) affair without consciously considering each step deeper into the pit. When I first got in touch with OW (she was a lost love from years ago), I wasn't expecting anything more than a quick hello-how-are-you-we-should-stay-in-touch. When we started reconnecting, I figured that it was just because we were old friends who had a lot to say to each other. When we started talking about intimate things, I thought that we were just taking the chance to say stuff that we were too afraid to say back then. When I told her I still loved her, I rationalized it by thinking to myself that it was the honest truth and that hiding from my feelings was wrong. When it started getting seriously inappropriate, I thought of it as something we just needed to get out of our system. When I started making plans to go see her, I thought that it was just something I had to do, to see her again one more time and bring things "full circle". When I actually started putting away money to make that trip... that's when I considered I might be crossing a line that shouldn't be crossed. Unfortunately, thought I came to my senses enough to stop digging in any deeper, I didn't climb back out either, and that was where my wife found me out.

There was no point in the process where I thought to myself, "Hm, this feeling of happiness and fulfillment I'm getting is something I should be getting from my marriage. I should tell my wife I'm not happy and we should work on it together." The reason I never thought that is because suddenly, I WAS feeling happy and fulfilled. It was easy to believe that the problem was solved. I found many creative ways to rationalize and conclude that I wasn't really doing anything wrong.

One of the more powerful rationalizations was that it seemed to me that what I was getting from OW was something my wife was unwilling to provide, and that in a way I was doing my wife a favor by not bothering her for affection and attention. I think that a lot of cheaters will justify their actions that way, and this is why they don't make the choice to work on their marriage instead of cheat. To put it as basically as possible, my mindset at the time was, "I'm not happy in my marriage, but my wife seems perfectly fine. As far as she's concerned, there's nothing to fix. So why should I put effort into that when she doesn't have a problem? I've found happiness over here with OW, and my wife doesn't have to know all the details. Besides, if she finds out and makes me stop, she'll be even less inclined to offer me any affection and we'll all be worse off. So I'm going to keep doing what works for me. Obviously we can't keep this up forever, but we'll worry about that later."

And then, of course, "later" never comes.

I didn't actually think those exact words at any given time, but it describes the mindset I was in, and I think it's pretty much universal (I want to make it clear that I have since come to realize how selfish and wrong I was, and I am ashamed and disgusted with myself). The point is that if I had considered the choice BEFORE the affair started, then I would certainly have made an effort to fix my marriage, as I think just about anyone would. The problem is that the choice usually doesn't present itself until after one is in too deep to think straight.

MXeno, so what do you think were the things you were missing from your marriage?

A number of things were missing.

Intimacy, both emotional and physical. We didn't really share our feelings anymore, it seemed. I was depressed most of the time, and it was like I didn't want to bother her with it. I think she felt like she didn't want to add to my burdens. Sex was dull and infrequent, and I was convinced that she didn't actually feel any desire for me, but was simply going through the motions. I still feel that's true, actually, but it's something I'm still afraid to ask her directly.

We didn't have plans for the future; we were living day by day. It felt like we had nothing new to look forward to and nothing more to say to each other about anything. I didn't know how to make her happy; not just about the big things in life, but about little things like what to get her for Christmas or where to take her out to dinner.

Most of all, I felt like she didn't want or need anything from me. It seemed to me that I was almost a drag on her life, that anything I might do for her, she could do better on her own. One of the things that made it easy for me to fall into an emotional affair was that I really didn't feel like I was taking anything away from my wife; she didn't seem to want intimacy, affection, attention, or even my company. I had almost argued myself into believing that she would be indifferent about the idea of me having an affair.

I don't think she ever realized that I was as down on our marriage as I was. That's more my fault than hers, because I should have been communicating that to her.

A lot of the above things are still problems, but we are now addressing them, so I think we can get them solved.

If I'm going to be totally honest, though, there is one more thing that I have to admit. What I felt with OW, both twenty years ago and more recently, was more intense and powerful than anything I've felt with my wife, ever. I wish it weren't true, but there will always be a part of me that longs for that feeling. That's always going to be missing from my marriage, and I have to live with that. What really tears me apart, though, is that my wife knows about that now too. She knows that there's something she'll never be able to give me, but there's someone else who could. It's the worst thing I've ever done to her, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Interesting MXeno, I think my H shared some of your feelings about what was missing from our marriage except for the sex. I was very self-sufficient and often did things myself rather than burden him because he was also depressed. I thought I was doing him a favor. I also grew up in a household where we were taught that if you can do it yourself you should, rather than ask someone else to do it for you, even if it is more difficult for you than it would be for them. Sort of a DYI philosophy. That is why I was shocked when I saw all the stuff the OW had my H doing for her. He said it made him feel wanted and needed and I now understand we all want to feel that way. Eventually all of her tasks became burdensome for him and then she began to become a nag when he wasn't doing everything she wanted the way she wanted it. It is true that sometimes familiarity breeds contempt.

My H also convinced himself after he was caught up in the affair that it was alright to supplement his wife with another woman to ensure that his needs were being met. He also believed at one point that I would be alright with this even though I had told him many times I would not tolerate an affair. He also felt that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me and eventually it would all just sort itself out and we would all be happy. It never dawned on him that the better thing to do would be to come to me to discuss how I could fulfill his needs rather than getting them met elsewhere and that maybe I would want to do those things with and for him. He also did not consider that some of my needs were not being met and that once faced with his supplementation of me I would want someone to meet my needs, including fidelity, which meant he would be history.

You should discuss the sexual aspect of your relationship with your wife. Chances are she may feel the same way and you will be doing each other a favor by discussing how you can make things better. I know there were a couple of things we improved in this area, and believe me, I am thankful.

I am curious why you married your wife if you did not feel the powerful and intense feelings you had had for the OW? I had been with other men before my H and a couple were long term relationships. The feelings for each new love exceeding the feelings I had for prior loves. If I had not felt stronger, more intense and more powerful feelings for my H than I had had for prior lovers, I would not have married him. I would have held out for that, knowing that type of love existed. Otherwise I would have felt that I was settling and probably would have still thought of those prior lovers with whom I had shared stronger feelings. I would not have been able to stay with my H if he had told me his feelings for the OW had been stronger than what he feels for me. I would have set him loose.

That is really a tough thing to admit and a hard thing to live with. But one thing that I think is very true is that the spark or intensity of that attraction does not necessarily make for a good life-long relationship. There are many aspects to a good marriage...friendship, companionship, respect, and sexual attraction. Most of these you can work on, I think.
I don't think that what I felt for OM was stronger than what I have felt for my husband. It did seem intense, but I believe that is about it not being available and trying to deny it for so long. I do think that OM and I had more just pure fun together because we liked to do similar things and we both like to debate, so we had many hours of that. So if anything, I found more companionship with OM than with H. My H is trying very hard to be that companion for me which I appreciate very much. But, he also has many qualities that OM was lacking and I respect very much.

MXeno, no matter what you find in your marriage, it will never be perfect and something will be missing.

ami, I think that many people marry someone that they don't feel as intense a feeling for as a previous relationship. There are many reasons for this. One you believe that you are with someone who will make a good life companion, that an intense feeling is as important. Or you may feel that the intense feeling you thought you had in the past has been exaggerated by memory, or that it was more intense because you were younger and more emotional/sexual whatever. Some men will marry a woman they think will make a really great mother rather than great sex partner. There are so many reasons, and so many problems that are for forseen.

Ibex - You make good points. I just know for me I had to have that intense feeling. Granted, it faded with time, but in the beginning my feelings for my H were the most intense I had felt thus far. I agree that in all marriages something is missing. I think that we all consciously, or unconsciously weigh what a particular person offers versus what they don't and decide what is more important to us. Unfortunately years later you can realize that what you thought was unimportant is actually important and vice versa. That is where problems can begin to emerge.