Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I have nowhere else to turn right now. My heart is broken and I'm falling apart right now as I type. It all hurts so much. I had anxiety all day waiting for the call I just got from my husband. I knew it wasn't going to be good because he hasn't offered to call me in almost 5 months. He told me he knew I wanted to save the marriage, but he doesn't want to. He hasn't even tried, he has just stayed away and done nothing. I've been fighting for his forgiveness, I've been trying everything to get him to come home, I've poured my heart and soul out to him, I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I've been transparent, I've basically done nothing but go to work and go home, I've cried almost every night because I hate what I've done and what I've caused. I've tried every way possible to reach out to him, to apologize, to express my remorse and he just wants to hold on to his anger and refuse to acknowledge that I'm truly trying, that I'm truly sorry. I was a good wife, I know this from the bottom of my heart. I'm also a very broken person and the lonliness in my life consumes me and I let myself have an affair because I didn't want to feel the pain of it anymore. And now my heart is broken even more than it's ever been. I'm fighting to keep someone who won't even try to fight to keep me and it's killing me. I'm watching everything slip through my hands and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it anymore. I'm angry because he won't even come home and give me a chance to see if it is really worth saving, he's just throwing in the towel before he's even tried to fight. 13 years and it's like nothing to him, but he throws it in my face that I'm the one who pissed it away by cheating. Yes, I tore a huge hole in our marriage, but he's going to be the one to rip it apart completely. Even at my worst, I didn't forsake him. I battled my demons silently and tortured myself with the guilt I held tightly to my chest. I was at a constant war with conscience, my morals, and my feelings. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't want to feel the emptiness and sadness that being lonely would cause so I kept making excuses for myself to continue. I didn't abandon my husband, I didn't neglect him even when I was with the other man. I truly loved my husband, I just didn't love myself enough to be honest about my feelings and my needs. I tried so many times to reach out to my husband in the only ways I knew how. He knew I had a rough life and struggled, he knew I was lonely, he knew I had depression, and I had no support system other than him. I got myself involved in something bigger than I could handle and I had nowhere to turn. I tried to end it so many times but the other man's grip on my heart was strong. I fell in love with an idea and ignored the reality too long and now here I am. My life, everything I worked hard for with my husband, everything I sacrificed for, it is all going to be taken from me. I have a low paying job, my credit is destroyed from years of neglecting my own bills because I was focused on fixing my husband's mess, I have no friends, no family I can really turn to, everything is in his name, I have nothing to really show for the last 13 years of my life that I can truly call mine. I'm going to end up with nothingm and he seems content to take it all away from me. I sit here in this beautiful house that I put my hard work into and I know it's only a matter of time before I won't be in it anymore and I'm crushed by the pain. I will have nothing left, I'll likely be homeless, car-less, and broke. My husband was the bread winner, everything is his. I don't have any ground to stand on other than I few laws that might aide me in getting a little support, other than that, I really have nothing. One mistake, one mess that I'm truly sorry for and I'm going to pay with so much more than just my self-respect. I'll never trust another person after this. I didn't expect instant forgiveness, I didn't expect him to turn the other way and just accept what I had done, but I also didn't think that the one person who said he loved me to the ends of the earth would just push me further into the dirt than he knows I've already been. I'm officially at the bottom of my life, I have nowhere else to go. There is nothing left for me. I don't want anyone's pity. I just needed to type, to get it out because it hurts too much. I don't know how much more I can take.
I do really want to say though. YOU choose to cheat. It's fantastic that your working hard on ficing things. But you working hard does not entitle you to your partner coming back. It's a gift if a partner is even considering reconciliation. You seem to think your entitled to his forgiveness just because you're trying. Thats not how it works.
I don't want to burn you down any more than you already feel. But hopefully I can give a suggestion. I see in each sentence the word I I I. Recovering infidelity is not about you. As a betrayed spouse I personally don't get the feeling you GET it . I did suggest therapy to work more in your issues it will also help you climb back up. Stop focussing on feeling sad for urself or blaming your partner for leaving. You choose to cheat. You now live with the consequences. You're on the right track I envy you for tgat but your not anywhere near understanding wgat betrayal does to soneone. Good luck to you. Keep improving
You used the words I, me, & my almost 100 times in the above post. You are so so self-absorbed that you can't see the truth of the matter. The truth is you didn't just make one little mistake . You woke up and cheated or lied about your cheating every single day for two years.
You honestly see having a 2 year affair as blowing a hole in your marriage but assign your husband the blame for ripping it apart completely because he won't come and fight for the privilege of being married to the wife who cheated on him for two years. That comment was so brazenly self-serving and backwards that I had to read it twice to make sure I understood that's what you were saying. Your husband doesn't owe you one single thing. You not only cheated but you are trying to assign part of the blame for your marriage ending to him. That's wrong on so many levels that it's not even funny.
You said " I also didn't think that the one person who said he loved me to the ends of the earth would just push me further into the dirt than he knows I've already been." Quick question: Did the man who dedicated his life to you think you would go behind his back and have sex with another man in an affair that lasted two long years? Why in the world do you think your husband owes you so much more consideration than you were willing to give to him?
The truth of your situation is, lots of us have given you a bit of reality orientation, but you're still somehow playing the poor pitiful me game. If you had gotten real and truly accepted responsibility for the extremely damaging act that destroyed your marriage, you might have had a chance. No man in his right mind is going to take you back while you prattle on about what a good wife you were during the two years you cheated on him behind his back. That doesn't even make good common sense. Cheating is a fundamental breach of the entire premise your marriage was founded on. I'm sorry you did that yourself. I truly am. I'm even more sorry for your inability to see that you threw your marriage away with both hands.
To hear you say you'll never trust another person after this would be hilarious, if it weren't so profoundly sad. Remember? You're the betrayer. It's probably your husband who will never trust again. To hear you turn all that around to make yourself somehow the victim is to re-alter reality to suit the needs of a cheater. Stop doing that to yourself. You're only making it worse.
If this is where your mind is at after being in therapy for so long, think about trading out your counselor. Again I'm not trying to be harsh, but you can get from point A to point B, if you're not willing to make the voyage.
However, I agree with the posters who noted that being a good wife can't be compartmentalized when there is adultery.
That's Cathy Bates in Misery type thinking.
As well, you may not recognize this yet but the marriage ended the moment you cheated on your husband. That was well over 2 years ago, it was just that your husband wasn't aware of this.
You aren't entitled to forgiveness and/or reconciliation. That's the trade off for an affair and the risk you take, even if you didn't realize it at the time you decided to start one.
Your husband seems to have made his decision to move on. If your claim is that you love him, then why wouldn't you respect his decision and wish him the best? It's not rationale to be angry with him for making a decision that is rightfully his to make. He wasn't involved your decision making when you decided to betray him yet you feel that you have a say in his choice to leave after finding out about the betrayal?
Work on your character and self esteem and perhaps you will fair better in your next relationship.
You didn't mention a prenup so in terms of finances everything gets split down the middle including assets and debt so there shouldn't be any issue there.
BTW get a lawyer, doesn’t matter if evething is in his name.
Hey other BS’s ... you get freaking pissed with a CS goes on the infidelity site and asks for help... why are you chasing them here??? Give them a break. Don’t be here if you don’t have anything positive to offer.
But you're right cheaters can post here freely if they like.
But I don't agree with us not being able to say the truth. As much as maybe some of us including me could have worded things nicer. It is the truth. And meant to help point out some issues in her recovery. No one ever improved themselves by being lied to that they are so the victim if thry are not. I think by telling the truth from a betrayed's perspective could help her moving forward and work on herself rather than making the sane mistakes again in the future with a next partner.
And I truly wish her the strength and help she needs to improve herself
I do empathize with your struggle or I wouldn't have taken time out of my life to comment. I suppose if I'm being honest, I see your problem as too much emotion and not enough cold hard logic. That's probably why I double dosed you that way. Sorry about that, by the way. It just seems to me that you're turning yourself inside out with worry about something that you really don't have control of.
We all have dark times where we think we can't go on. Yet, if we don't go on, we'll never get to experience all the wonderful things life has in store for us. Though you might not think so, you can make it through this and come out a better, strong and more resilient person for have endured it. The one and only good thing about hitting rock bottom, is you get to make your life over in exactly the way you want it to be. (Eat, Pray, Love)
The world's a big and strange place. Your old man might think it over while he's out of the country and come back to give it another try. You two might split for good and hook back up later and start a brand new relationship. You may find someone you love ten time more and live happily ever after with that person. You never know what the future holds.
It will always be hard for a betrayed spouse to show any empathy towards a cheater since they will always see them as the cause of the pain. Good luck to everyone, both sides. This sucks and will continue to suck for years to come. If the cheater is on this board looking for some understanding then at least they realize they were wrong. I have pointed out before the large gap between the number of cheaters and betrayed spouses seeking help. So good for you cheaters who are making the effort to try and understand the damage that was done and how to fix it if possible.
When my H had an A, I didn't wonder why. I felt I had been a bad wife & that's why he did it. When I had my A, I felt he had not supported me in my time of need after my mothers death & subsequent alienation from my siblings. I had no close friends or family....bc of him. So when my long, lost friend reappeared in my life, he was like a lifeline. This is why I associate with RPK82. When you feel you have no one to turn to for advice or at the very least share your story, we tend to make bad decisions.
Some of you BS's feel we should be drug to the town square, stripped & skinned alive.
After Heartaches "comments" I didn't read anymore of the others "truths". You say you should be able to come here & speak the truth....that is your right. But, if you would please read the instructions for betrayed spouses at the top of this page.......This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Most of your "truths" are dripping in venom. You're taking your rage toward your CS's out on us. Please go back to the infidelity site where your tirades & gutting comments will be welcome.
Clovermoon knows it from both sides.
Being a BS really does change you and the pain and bitterness can take a toll on your ability to cope. If you aren't careful you can end up going down the same CS path that brought you so much pain.
When you call out your CS spouse for not coping with their own problems and suffering well, you need to make sure that you are holding yourself up to the same standard.
I doubt any BS can claim that they haven't thought about a revenge affair in their low times.
If a BS is going to stand on the moral high ground, then we need to ensure that we maintain our standards of conduct that we claim to have.
Simply being BS does not grant moral superiority which has been illustrated by Joy Grusky's posts.
Everything has unraveled. I couldn’t be honest and still haven’t confessed. I just can’t, I’m afraid. I don’t know if what as I’ve lost him completely. I am in therapy and have been since my diagnosis. I am in so much pain and anguish. I want him to leave the house and divorce so that we can both start the healing process.