Here hun,

Read through this thread.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/19506643

I'm not sure how this applies to me, perhaps I'm not understanding the thread.

I know 100% what I did was wrong. I know I hurt him. I know I can't ever change it or take it back.

I need to know how to learn to love myself again. If I can't find a way to be happy I'm just continuing to hurt him.

For those of you who cheated and are rebuilding how are you doing it?

I am on the other side of the fence so not sure how you are going to take my advice.

Tell him this over and over again. Word by word. And how sorry you are. And how you wish it never happened. And how much you love him. I believe that the faster you will heal, the sooner you will hear "I forgive you" and hopefully - it will all you to forgive yourself.

Yes, you did something awful, but then you did something wonderful. And it counts A LOT.
I don't know anything about you but perhaps reading about 12 steps and working through them would be a good idea? And individual therapy.
Wishing you strength for self forgiveness and self love that you so deserve!

Ugh. The faster HE will heal....
And "allow" not "all".

Like Jay, I am on the other side. He may be taking it differently then you are seeing or hearing. I hope for you he isn't. Just like I never thought my wife would cheat, she is certain now that I would never cheat or leave her. Yet those two things have been on top of my list at all times especially when she seems to treat me like she had never before cheated. Just like the cheater carries guilt after the affair, the betrayed carries the hurt after the affair. Things are never the same, they are just different. Sometimes better, sometimes not. Some "things" better, some "things" not, like "trust" and meaning of the words love, marriage, forever, and the list goes on.

I think a certain type of person cheats and a certain type of person stays with their spouse after the spouse cheated. Maybe this type of spouse (us) is what gave the cheater the feeling that they could cheat and things would still forever be okay after. I have done so much reading and research on this after the affair and it seems like those who stay with the cheaters to rebuild seem to have similar traits, including keeping their mouth shut, their feelings to themselves (especially now) and that for whatever reason we were the cause of the affair and deserved it, and resentment stays there festering.

Scared,

I'm a BS, but my wife who inhabits this forum may be along to throw in her two cents. She's gone through what you are now. She struggled with guilt and accepting forgiveness for almost a whole year, crying everyday.

She wrote out an outline of healing steps for the CS. Being a writer, I filled it out into an article. You might find it helpful in working through your issues:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4974162

Also, if you're Christian at all, I had Gabi memorize and recite Psalm 51 everyday to herself. It is King David's psalm of repentance he wrote upon dealing with his affair and murder.

The good news is you are on the road to healing this wound, from the sound of it. FYI, Gabi and I are 3.5 years out from discovery day. While I had to catch her, once I confronted her she spilled all the beans. She didn't hide anything. Which is good because she didn't know I knew everything, and it wouldn't have gone nearly as well if she had attempted the trickle truth. She's been honest and transparent from dday on, and that's made a big difference.

However, dealing with your guilt is not for the faint of heart. Most people tend to run from it, hide it rather than face it head on. It may take several months, but you will get past this. In one sense it never goes away. The sense of loss will always be there and one has to work through the stages of grief to reach acceptance. Be patient with yourself. There is no overnight fixes. But you are on the right track.

I’ve held back on posting hoping other CS’s would help you. Other than Cole, please understand the other BS’s comments are from their pain. They really need to keep their thoughts to themselves or their spouses who need to hear it, not you. No, they didn’t attack you but they did get their digs in in a backhanded way. Their feelings are not your H’s feelings, obviously.

Your H is going to go thru several stages of grief, just like you. My advice is to get to Individual Therapy first or marriage counseling where they speak to both of you individually before bringing in the spouse. You’re trying to guess his feelings & that’s causing you more pain. Telling a therapist your story helps you to release your burden unto someone else which will help you deal with it one step at a time.

It takes time but you will make it thru and be ok. Hugs.

Clover - reading this and your other replies on different posts, you have a wonderful wisdom about you. I commend you on your strength and fortitude.

All I can say is BTDT.....been both BS & CS.

I don't think anything said by bs was bashing which is clearly stated as a no no foe this forum. I think they gave advice or support from their perspective. Since scaredandal has told her bs and is in the process of rebuilding, I would think hearing all sides is important.

As we all know, cs posting in the infidelity board can result in some very angry bs lashing out. I personally don't see that here.

Although I disagree with whodsthunks theory of similar personalities and having 2 groups 1. Cheaters 2. Stayers

I think those who cheat range from serial cheaters who have no plans on stopping or seeing anything wrong to those who were dead set against cheating and never imagined they would cheat anda work their assess off to fix that situation.

There are justas many types of bs.

Scaredandal, I am really glad you found the strength to tell and that heis up for the work of rebuilding. Itc will bea long road. Most bs go through highs and lows where there are times that they regress emotionally. The therapist and your support will help both of you through this.

There is a "rebuilding marriage after infidelity" page you might want to visit.

Thanks guys for the feedback. I am working hard and know this will take time. There are times I am so disgusted with myself that I throw up, I am angry and in shock that it even happened....how could I have done this? I was always the one saying that I couldn't understand how people could ever cheat on someone they loved. But it happened. And it happened in a happy marriage. We have things to work on sure, or this wouldn't have happened but he is a good man and doesn't deserve this.

I will check out the other page.

Other CS's, are there books that you read that helped you work through the guilt, shame, sadness and everything else that followed your disclosure/discovery of the affair?

Some "things" better, some "things" not, like "trust" and meaning of the words love, marriage, forever, and the list goes on.

That was a backhanded comment.

scaredandalone, you remind me so very much of myself, back in the early days after my A was discovered. Let me say that you are amazing for telling. That is probably one of the hardest things I can ever imagine doing. I got caught. We did enter marriage counseling right away and we went on an Anniversary trip within days of Dday. It was an important time for us to focus hard on beginning to work through what had happened.

Books were HUGELY instrumental in our discovery. I have a list I call "required reading" for the CS in rebuilding. Here it is:

How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For The Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald
(A must read for the CS)

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
(The best book on what happens in affairs, how to deal with them and how to set and hold to appropriate boundaries. For both the CS and BS)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley
(A must read for marriage counseling, even if you've never had an affair. Even more so in helping to recover from one. It is highly recommended to read this book aloud together if possible.)

Also, you may find the information at Surviving Infidelity site helpful. Especially the healing library:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/...
Also go to Healing Infidelity Through Faith and look at the articles in the news section. Very good. Here is a link to the table of contents:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/

These same articles plus much more appear in the book my H and I wrote called: Healing Infidelity by: Rick and Lenita Copple. Our book has a companion website: http://www.healinginfidelity.com/

We have read a bunch of other A recovery books. Some better than others but they all have their place and things about them that we like. We are reading one now that is also by Willard F Harley that I am liking called Survivng An Affair. He also has an organization call Marriage Builders that I have heard some attribute to saving their marriage.

We read most of the A recovery books in the first year or two but gradually switched over to reading general marriage enrichment books. We read them slowly. I read aloud when he is driving. We have found it to be a good practice for us. We now occasionally read other A recovery books more for the purpose of evaluation.

The guilt and sadness will get better gradually as you keep striving. Rebuilding ones self and marriage is quite a process.

What is backhanded about that clover? Some things are better in my marriage. Although it wasn't my comment it is a true statement. Each marriage however, will rebuildto its capacity based on the work both partners put in. The infidelity will always be a part of our story and when my trust building is triggered it is brought to zero quickly because of the A.

For a marriage where the A is out in the open and rebuilding is taking place, these things are important to understand. In my marriage, (because I suspected for years before dday) my trust was higher because he confessed. So while we all "assume" others experience what we do and may not always understand where others are coming from, I do think hearing all prospectives is a good thing.

Like even as a bs I can gain insight from another bs because of how they internalized their cs A.

Cs do the same here. Share various opinions and perspectives. Some of you are open to hearing the bs and others would prefer we all scurry away into other rooms.

I'm just frustrated when there are bs offering their experience from rebuilding after infidelity to a cs who is creating a post about that very subject, and they are basically being dismissed because they may have some , not so great, things to say about what they experienced.

Its a, shitty thing, cheating crap. Shitty for the cs, bs, the marriage, and family. This poster is facing this thing head on and I for one am happy for her future. It can go up from here. There is absolutely hope for good marriage to come outof this with 2 functional adults.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity